Post # 17
Member
384 posts
Helper bee
This is my 10th Christmas as a mommy and I can say I don’t find their behavior that odd. I made a rule that my daughter would wake up in her own bed on Christmas morning. There were several years where I lived 80 miles from my family and would drive home on Christmas eve only to turn around and drive back on Christmas day, but my daughter woke in her own bed Christmas morning.
Christmas morning has also been a really quiet and special time for my family. The first few years it was just my daughter, my mom and I. We’ve since added Fiance, but that’s it. It’s a super close family thing. If my mom were married I doubt I’d be as inclined to include her.
Lastly, at 11 months old this Christmas won’t be nearly as much fun as the next few Christmases will be. There’s definite hope that they’ll relax their seclusion stance in the years to come, allowing at least grandparents to see that awesome joy on a 3 or 4 year old’s face Christmas morning.
Post # 18
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
I can’t imagine doing this to my family or DH’s family. To each his/her own, I guess… but personally, my family would have to be pretty freaking awful or dysfunctional for me to want to check out for two full days when people are coming to see me and my kid.
We’re due in April, and I have zero doubt that both sides of the family will put a ton of time, energy, money, and love into supporting us and our new kid throughout its first year (they’re already doing it), and I can’t imagine repaying that by saying “Yeah, I knew you were super excited to see us and are using probably limited time/resources to do this, but we’re peacing out.” Maybe if the grandparents in questions haven’t been particularly excited or involved in the baby’s life thus far I’d understand it better, and I’d definitely understand a “We can’t really handle a hectic holiday right now, so we’d like to be alone for Christmas morning, but we’ll see you that afternoon,” but taking their own separate vacation for two whole days seems extreme.
Also, if the issue is wanting to be in their own house and not do a ton of driving, I’d understand that too… but why go to a cabin? If the in-laws want to see the baby open presents on Christmas Day, couldn’t the in-laws drive the hour out to the baby’s house and hang out there?
Just to qualify, I’m really really close to my family (DH is Jewish, so we always go to my family for Christmas, which probably helps- no attempt to fit in both families over a short time span) and I LOVE Christmas with my family, so I’m probably super biased. Having my mom around actually makes me way LESS stressed, and I acknowledge that that’s probably not the norm, so I’m probably not the most objective person on this…
Post # 19
Member
711 posts
Busy bee
It seems a bit weird because they had already made plans and people were coming out. They should have told them that they changed their mind. My husband and I are so excited though (our son is 2) and this is the first Christmas we are staying at home and not driving all over the place to see everyone – we normally have to get up at 5:30 to rush to 2 morning Christmas’. I can’t wait to stay in my pj’s and just celebrate the 3 of us – so I kind of understand why they would just want it to be the 3 of them for their first Christmas together – I think that they should have gone about it differently though and been up front with everyone.
Post # 20
Member
2828 posts
Sugar bee
NOT WEIRD AT ALL.
As a parent I understand where they are coming from. Parents, inlaws, grandparents, the whole shebang can be really REALLY overwhelming, SERIOUSLY.
Grandparents ALWAYS try and do things “their way” and generally make life a living hell for parents by being overbearing, or offering unsolicited advice constantly (or maybe that is just my situation).
It may be perceived as rude(by everyone else), but did anyone ever stop and think that maybe the couple had been wanting(or planning for a while) to have their very own first Christmas by themselves? Did anyone ask them if they wanted all this company? Did anyone think that maybe the couple thinks that their family is being rude by not respecting their wishes etc? I am not trying to come off as snarky, but it is all about perspective.
I think it is completely reasonable for a small, and new family to want to savour certain moments and experiences privately, intimately.
@shelbifox15:
trying to suit everyones needs is what makes the holidays SUCK. I agree with you 100%.
Post # 21
Member
35 posts
Newbee
Thanks for all the feedback everyone. All the perspectives have helped. It’s nice to hear some people agree with me but it’s also important for me to hear the side of those that support the side of my Brother-In-Law and SIL because…I have to be ok with the situation so I might as well try and understand it a bit better.
I’d love to hear more feedback if anyone has it. Thanks everyone!
Post # 22
Member
6571 posts
Bee Keeper
I think it just depends on the couple. I know my hubby and I are very family oriented, and if we didn’t go to our parents for holidays they would probably seek us out and come to us when we have a baby. But that wouldn’t be an issue b/c we wouldn’t do that to either of our parents. Plus, I wouldn’t want to have to cook a big dinner with a new baby, so it would be nice to have someone else do all the work.
Post # 23
Member
1285 posts
Bumble bee
The part that really bothers me is that they decided this after others made plans to be there. Did your in-laws clear their plans with them before? If not, the couple has every right to spend the holiday how they want. If they gave any indication or encouragement that their parents should be there/are invited, then I would say they owe everyone an explanation.
Post # 24
Member
1285 posts
Bumble bee
The part that really bothers me is that they decided this after others made plans to be there. Did your in-laws clear their plans with them before? If not, the couple has every right to spend the holiday how they want. If they gave any indication or encouragement that their parents should be there/are invited, then I would say they owe everyone an explanation.
Post # 25
Member
1025 posts
Bumble bee
I can see the appeal. I always pictured my first Christmas with my husband as an intimate tea-for-two affair. But now I can’t imagine not seeing family!
I think it makes more sense when kids are older and Santa comes and all. But I think its sad for the grandparents.
Funny story: When my little cousin was old enough to hear about Santa, she was TERRIFIED of the idea. She did NOT want some strange man coming into her house while she was asleep. (hey can’t blame her!) So Santa came to my grandparents house and they drove over there on Christmas morning.
Post # 26
Member
2790 posts
Sugar bee
How long will your inlaws be in town? If they will still be there for a whole nother week after Christmas I think it is fine the couple wanted to spend those days alone. This is something really special for your Brother-In-Law and SIL and they may want to start their own Christmas traditions. If your inlaws will only be home for like 3 days I find that pretty unfair. But as a PP said they nmay feel as if your inlaws are pushing this in them.
Post # 27
Member
2865 posts
Sugar bee
I think it’s weird ONLY because they made their plans AFTER they knew people were flying in to see them. That just seems kind of rude.
It would be a totally different story if it had been their plan from the beginning and everyone in the family was bummed they didn’t get to see the baby. But changing plans late in the game around the holidays is rude because usually it effects other people. Perhaps the in-laws would have made different plans if they would have known they’d be out of town.
Post # 28
Member
638 posts
Busy bee
I deal with this EVERY SINGLE YEAR. My bro and SIL decided when they got married they would ‘never’ travel for Christmas. They wanted to celebrate at their home always – others are welcome to join but they will not be traveling. This was even before kids. I think it’s selfish and take it personally every year.
My own little theory is that SIL does not want to spend Christmas were her crazy family – but does not want to hurt their feelings by saying they are traveling to see my brother’s family. (hope that is making sense) So to be ‘fair’ they aren’t going to visit anyone.
I used to get upset every year… but I’ve gotten used to it. Some years we all go down there and it’s awesome. To me what Christmas should be. Other years they travel here or we travel there before or after Christmas to celebrate.
The older I get the more I realize ‘to each their own’. Everyone has different traditions/styles/ideas and that’s ok. (just like w/ weddings!) It’ll just be me, my husband, and our son this year – and that makes me sad 🙁 I love to be surrounded by family during the holidays. But not everyone feels that way.
Post # 29
Member
447 posts
Helper bee
The only thing I have a problem with is that they did this after there were already plans made to see them. Otherwise, I can see their point. It’s our daughter’s first Christmas too, and though she’s only 6 months old, I like the idea of us having the holiday privately. It won’t be happening this year because of certain circumstances, but if I could have it any way I wanted, we would have Christmas morning privately and then see family later.
Honestly, family stresses me out, and they stress me out even more during the holidays. My family lives far enough away that they would have to stay overnight, and I can honestly only handle a few hours with them before I want to leave. We also live with the in-laws, and they have made it clear that they want us to spend every holiday with them, even though we were at Thanksgiving and Christmas last year.
Maybe they were simply trying to make it less of a hassle by saying they weren’t seeing anybody until after the holidays. I am not saying it’s a good excuse, they went about it completely wrong, but it might have been what they were thinking.
Post # 30
Member
1220 posts
Bumble bee
I don’t find this weird at all. And I’m going to go out on a limb and say you maybe don’t know the entire whole story.
My parents come up to our house for Christmas dinner. We get the rest of the morning and evening to ourselves. We celebrate Christmas with my IL on the day before Christmas Even b/c his parents sing in their church choir and won’t bend their own traditions to suit us so we compromise (and no, we do not do a joint Christmas with both sides of the family b/c no one wants WWIII). If his parents all of a sudden wanted to do something Christmas morning I’d tell them no. It’s our time. And I’m thinking that maybe the grandparents that you are talking about “surprised” them by flying out and then the info comes out afterwards that they are going to the cabin. When in fact maybe they always were and just not telling anyone.
To each their own traditions, but don’t get your nose out of joint over someone’s way of celebrating the holidays. They suck and are stressful.
Post # 31
Member
35 posts
Newbee
Thanks for all your insight all!
The in-laws are going to be in town for about 4 days total so I think they’ll have some time on either side of this impromptu trip but the Brother-In-Law and SIL have to work on those days and are putting their son in daycare those days so I don’t think we’ll be able to see him.
I honestly couldn’t tell you how the trip out for the MIL/FIL went down since I didn’t have a hand in it. The hubs just told me they were coming and were going to be spending most of their time with BIL/SIL so I don’t know if the BIL/SIL feel imposed upon/forced, etc. I do know that since the baby has been here the MIL/FIL have been here a LOT. Like a lot…a lot.