Post # 1
Hello bees, I need a little advice.
We announced our engagement about a week and a half ago to everyone. However, my FI’s parents had found out a few days early because I’d made a wedding website which changed its privacy settings and published the site. His parents had googled him (which they occasionally do, yes I think that’s really odd) and they found the site and called him asking had he any news. He put them off the scent but we went to visit them first thing the next morning to tell them we were actually engaged and ask them not to tell anyone else until we were ready to announce it. I grew up in a city two hours away and we’d arranged to see lots of family and friends in his home town on Friday and then travel to my home town for the weekend so we could tell everyone in person. My parents have passed so it was really important to me that I could tell people myself. They agreed they wouldn’t tell anyone.
His mother has been acting odd ever since. We went to his home town on the Friday, chatted with them and went to his aunt’s house where a few other aunts were meeting for lunch. We had given his mum some save the dates to give to her siblings that we wouldn’t see (she’s one of 11). However, when we went to the house after about 10 minutes she started handing out the save the dates to his aunts before we had told them! My Fiance made the announcement and everyone was very happy, then we brought his parents out to lunch and stopped off in his brother’s work on the way to tell him. When we told his brother he seemed really excited for us and said that my FI’s mum had told him we had news but not what it was. That really annoyed me as we’d asked her not to say anything.
Now it gets a bit more complicated here. His brother is younger and also recently engaged. He lives at home with my FI’s parents and his fiancée lives with her parents despite the fact they’re both in their 30s and work full time jobs. They had only been together 18 months when he proposed and they have no plans to get married or even get a place together. My Fiance and I have been together almost 7 years and have built a life together. When we announced our engagement it was also with the news that the wedding was in less than 6 months.
Since we announced our engagement his parents don’t really seem that fussed. When his brother got engaged all the family (aunts etc..) gave him and his fiancée cards and presents. Not to sound ungrateful but we haven’t even received a card from his parents yet. Nor has his brother or fiancée made any attempt to contact us when we made the effort of traveling an hour to see them and give them a card and present when they got engaged. To make matters more annoying we found out yesterday that his parents are paying for his brother and his fiancée’s room at our wedding (we are paying for his parents room)! So not only do we not even get a card, his brother gets a night away in a 5 star hotel when we are the ones getting married!! It’s not like his brother can’t afford it, he has three times the disposable income my Fiance has because he lives at home and my Fiance is still paying off student loans as well as the usual rent and bills. My FI’s parents seem to have always favoured his little brother more, they paid off all his debts, bought him cars, let him live with them for a peppercorn rent and have been overprotective of him because he is dyslexic and dyspraxic and had a bit of trouble when he was at school.
Is that weird behaviour or am I reading too much into this. I’m really sad on my FI’s behalf as we don’t have any celebrations from my side as there’s no family there to do it so I hoped his family would make a fuss of him. What do you think? Am I reading too much into this?
Post # 2
I think you’re reading too much into it. Honestly, I don’t understand the need to “announce” everything these days, as opposed to just talking to people. I also don’t get being irritated with people who get engaged after dating a shorter amount of time, comparing presents and gifts, or counting how other people spend their money. You’re engaged — enjoy it on it’s own without comparing youself with other people. There will always be people who seem to have more (whether they do or not) and people who seem to have less (whether they do or not). Congratulations and best wishes.
ETA: It sucks if his family favors his brother, but if that’s the way it has always been, that’s the way it will always be. If your fiance is uncomfortable with it, it’s up to him to address. You will not be able to change his family dynamic.
Post # 3
Oh when i say announce, I just mean tell someone in person ‘We’re getting married!’. That’s it. We didn’t have a fanfare or anything 🙂 Thank you for your congratualtions too!
Post # 4
I get the jealousy going on here but don’t think anyone needs to discuss things with your future inlaws. The fact is, you have been with your SO for 7 years and as you said, have already built a life together. They probably don’t view you as dependents needing a leg up like your future brother inlaw. You guys have your shit together! That’s a good thing. And on your wedding day your marriage will be celebrated and acknowledged by many.
Post # 5
We went through something slightly similar with our inlaws when we got engaged. My Brother-In-Law had gotten engaged the previous year and had their wedding a month after we got engaged. When they were engaged my in laws made such a huge fuss about it. They threw a party, made a huge emotional toast at dinner, cried and congratulated them like it was the greatest thing in the world. When we got engaged, they seemed to barely care. For a while it really, really bothered me. I kept thinking “Do they just like (SIL) better than me? Are they not happy (DH) is marrying me??”
Recently, it was explained to me why the reactions were so different. First, we had been together for 7 years also so our engagement was no surprise, more of a “finally”, expected event. Brother-In-Law and SIL had only dated a couple years, Brother-In-Law was older and still living at home (in his 30’s) and….. this is going to sound horrible but….. Brother-In-Law is not the easiest to get along with. He’s got a temper and is very opinionated and difficult. My in laws were excited that A) He would finally be out of their hair and B) He actually found someone willing to marry him. Their engagement was a pleasant surprise while ours was expected. It didn’t mean they were happier for them than us but they had also just gone through all the hoopla of their engagement and preparing for their wedding when we announced our engagement. I’m sure part of their lack of enthusiasm was “Welp, got another wedding to plan for next year now” lol.
Post # 6
This makes a lot of sense and seems really familiar, thanks for sharing it. I do get the feeling that it was an expected event, whereas his brother’s engagement came out of the blue. We actually have most of the wedding planned already, we wanted to have that done before we told people as we are having a six month engagement. I was wondering if that might have upset his mum, that she wasn’t involved in the planning part?
Post # 7
Whats most annoying is that they are allowing you guys to pay for their room while they are paying for his brothers room… wtf!!
Post # 8
It is weird behavior, and following this situation/outcome, they are showing you their true colours. Seems like when you say it’s a secret, we want to tell others, the Future Mother-In-Law toes that boundary and sneakily crosses over it. Next time, treat them just the same as anyone else because clearly they don’t follow through with requests like “we want to tell others ourselves.”
Post # 9
I mean, I get why you might feel shafted, but I really don’t know what way you could possibly approach his mom: “Hey mom, eventhough I’m 30, live on my own and can afford to pay for my own wedding, why didn’t you buy me a present?”
Post # 10
I’m sorry, his parents found out their son was engaged on the internet? Man, that must hurt.
Post # 11
I think it’s really strange that they routinely google him. Like wha?
Post # 12
Could have Google alerts set up.
Post # 13
You are spending way too much time comparing the relationship your fiancé’s parents have with him to the relationship they have with his brother. Try minding your own business and enjoying your engagement?
Post # 14
they found it by accident. The website was set as private so no one could see it. We had planned to tell them the coming week but unfortunately the website company changed their privacy settings and published the website without me knowing. I never would have wanted them finding out that way and they were the first people we arranged to tell.
Post # 15
your wedding is in 6 months and FIs parents are paying form FI’s brother’s hotel room.
but FI’s brother doesn’t have a date set, how do you know that FI’s parents won’t pay for your hotel room when their wedding comes?