(Closed) Is this WRONG?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
849 posts
Busy bee

why aren’t you disclosing the locations? so people don’t show up that you don’t plan for? That may seem odd, but I guess it makes sense.

It’s not ok to ask people to pay for their guests. If you can’t afford their guests, tell them they don’t get a plus one.

Post # 4
14495 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think the whole thing is rude, not to be to harsh, and I understand where you are coming from, but the way you are doing it is just rude.  For the extra people, as a bride, “No, I am sorry that is just not possible” is going to be your best choice.

Post # 5
46402 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

The primary obligation of a host to their guests is to make them feel comfortable. I doubt either of these ideas would contribute to that.

Post # 6
1542 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@HappyBee33: I don’t think it’s proper but I kind of like the idea, thinking as a bride-to-be it sounds great, but asking for people to pay for their guest doesn’t sound right.

Not disclosing the address sounds like a great idea, just to avoid crashers.

Post # 7
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Sent from my Android

Post # 8
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Err, I really sympathize with the issues from out of control guest lists and rude guests who like to add uninvited plus-ones….but I think there are better ways to deal with the issue.

First, not disclosing the location actually may complicate whether people decide to come or not (not just because they may not understand your decision, but because people want to know how far they have to travel to get there on time).  You’ll almost certainly end up getting a huge number of phone calls from guests asking what the location is anyway, defeating the purpose (and more calls just wondering why you won’t tell them).

Some people have used the “We have reserved __ seats in your honor” on the RSVP card, or the “____ of ____ will attend” where the couple fills in the second blank so there’s no confusion.  If people still try to RSVP for extra guests, you just have to make those uncomfortable phone calls saying that it isn’t possible for you financially. I suppose at that point if they insist you can say they can bring the guest if they help defray the cost, but that can get SUPER awkward.

In general, if I got an invitation like that, I would probably be put off, and definitely be confused.

I hope you two figure out what works best for you! Good luck!

Post # 10
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

when I read LOCATION TO BE DISCLOSED UPON RSVP, it made me think of some super secret spy thing, or a drug pick up I am not sure.  Also the inspector gaget theme song started playing in my head….

I would find another way to phrase it, probably the “we have reserverd X seats in your honor” would be the best way. If people insist on comming that aren’t invited, Inform the individual that you would love to have them attend, but you simply cannot affford them to. If they wanted to spring for the 14$ to cover their attendence that would be just special, but other wise you would have to regretfully deny their request.

Post # 11
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I agree with birdie!

I’m not sure you’d accomplish much by keeping the location secret.  Word gets around and people may still bring a +1 on the day of the wedding.  I would just make it clear how many seats each person has and that you’re going to be strict with the guest list.  If they really insist I’d be honest and say you cannot afford it and already have 300 guests.  If they continue to insist, you could then suggest they pay their +1s way.

$14 isn’t that much to an individual but if you take in an extra dozen people it can really add up!

Post # 12
1189 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I would find it weird/ rude if I got an invite like that. Honestly, it would make me think your plans were still up in the air and you hadn’t secured a reception venue yet.

Most people understand that the invite only includes the people listed on the invitation, and if it doesn’t say “and guest” they are not to bring a +1. However, the “we have reserved ___ seats in your honor” does work. What we did for our wedding was just have them fill out their dinner chioces on the RSVP cards, and if I noticed they RSVPd for more dinners than number of people we had invited on that invite, we simply let that person know that while we’d love to accomodate everyone, we are unable to for this event. No one brought a +1 that wasn’t invited and it really wasn’t a huge deal, certainly nothing that required a secret location.

Post # 13
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

Honestly I’d be really put off by that.

As for the guest issue, just say that your sorry but there is simply not enough space for extra guests.

Post # 14
3265 posts
Sugar bee

It is absolutely wrong! Both in the secret location and the charging for guests.

Unless you are in witness protection or a Hollywood star there is no point in keeping the location secret. It just makes you look like a self important jerk who assumes that everyone will want to come to your super duper wedding. (Not saying you are those things, just the impression it gives off)

As for charging for guests. It is rude to charge for any portion of hospitality.

Post # 15
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

“Honestly I’d be really put off by that.”

Me too. And I don’t agree with charging for guests, I would just tell them that there is just not enough room in the budget for plus ones.

Post # 16
112 posts
Blushing bee

If you’re worried about staying under your limit, you might be better off cutting your guest list up front. Or have an A and B list. This way you’ll feel more in control of your numbers.

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