I’m new to this forum and just registered after a few days of lurking. Many posts in the Waiting category really resonate with how I feel, and I’m honestly quite relieved to know that I’m not as crazy as I thought I was…
Over the last two weeks, I’ve become completely tense and anxious about when my SO is going to propose. He is 34, I’m 23 and we’ve been together for one year now. The funny thing is that I never expected to think of a proposal so soon, because most people seem to take much longer, and I didn’t want to have unrealistic expectations. Anyway, we’ve been living together for five months now and already spent weeks on end together before that (LDR). I moved to his country to live with him and stop having to travel back-and-forth every couple months.
Early on, we stumbled upon the topic of marriage in one of our everyday conversations, and we’ve both made clear that we want to spend our lives together and marry each other.
There are many little signs that have really got to me over the last two weeks…
Last year in August, when he came over to visit my previous home, a friend of my mum’s made a comment to my SO about my SO’s ‘mother-in-law’s’ cooking. Later that evening when we were alone, my SO brought up the comment in a light-hearted way and then asked me if there was a location where I wanted to be asked!! I was shocked (with excitement) and said, “Well… Hmm… Maybe not at home…?” He clearly took it in and did tell me not to expect it ‘really soon’, which I guess means something like at least three months.
A bit later in August, while still long-distance, I noticed he was typing something (“(Name) is typing…”) but then didn’t send anything. It was after I wrote something about my sister already being married despite being younger than me. When I questioned him, he was very mysterious and insisted on keeping it from me, but it was clearly related to what I wrote. I got slightly worried, but he reassured me that he was happy to say it (in general) and simply changed his mind about sending the message there and then. At some stage (because I kept being so curious!) he called this the ‘third surprise’ that he was going to tell me someday.
On my birthday in October, he revealed the ‘second surprise’ – a holiday around our one-year anniversary in April where he is going to pay half for me. Together we then decided to travel to a few potential regions abroad for our emigration plan next year. We will definitely explore nature/forest as well, and we are both huge nature lovers, so… (insert romantic sigh).
Unfortunately, there were a few rough patches in November and December. One day his best friend asked us (in person) about our opinion of an engagement ring for his girlfriend (I had no idea his friend had plans), and after I answerred I had a huge cry in the toilet. This led to my SO being stressed out, taking it personally and it actually caused arguments between us, for no true or logical reason. Just all my strong feelings for my SO and my subconsious hopes were touched and it got too much with the pictures being pushed right in my face (not by my SO – his friend showed me). The crying was never because of my SO’s actions or anything, which is what made it so frustrating. After a few days the tension was settled, thankfully.
We had some other bad days, but all stuff we then worked on and learnt from. My SO was actually dealing with hypochondria and it made him very sensitive. I was also really fragile because of some work issues and the transition of emigration. It caused us to be emotional and inflamed when the same things could have been handled in a very calm way. We always ended these events in each other’s arms and expressing our love for each other, though.
In December, I decided to ask him how much time he thinks there should be between a proposal and a wedding. It could be very short or anything for him, so I openly told him that I would like a one-year engagement if he’s okay with that – and he was fine. Not only do I want to fully enjoy the engagement phase, I also want family abroad to have enough time to plan their visit.
Early in January, a few days after coming back from a family visit to see my parents and some other relatives, he had a schmirk on his face and said that he was ‘thinking about something, but we weren’t supposed to talk about it’, with a very teasing tone. Of course this sent my curiosity through the roof! What irks me is that I’ve forgotten how we actually arrived at him saying that… I just can’t remember!
Only a week later, we had a little bit of a clash about me being insecure, needing reassurance about marriage, but I explained to him that it was linked to my past. It ended with him saying, “Of course I want to marry you. You really don’t need to worry about that as soon as something like this happens. That is not going to change anything. Do you want me to propose right here and now then?!” We both had to laugh about that last bit (and I refused, lol!).
Further in January, I got preoccupied with preventing any kind of negativity between us, to the point where it actuality caused misunderstandings to escalate while they started out as nothing major. We were both to blame, but I certainly shouldn’t have used so much emotion (as soon as I got anxious about ruining something) – my SO gets affected by stress very easily, and that leads to a dog chasing its own tail.
We had a couple more silly blow-ups in January, and the stress it created for him in those moments made me super anxious that the proposal was going to be delayed – even though he had reassured me before! I always thought, “But what if this is going to be the final straw where his mind does break?!” And I couldn’t help but drop an anxious question whether this was going to ‘reset the clock’. I know, it’s like digging your own grave… My own proposal anxiety was actually working against what I wanted. The last time we had an escalation, I knew I had gone too far and hated myself so much for bringing it up again. He said he couldn’t do with the question and this marriage insecurity anymore, and that this way, things were going to be delayed. It was creating too much pressure for him. I completely agreed with him and promised to myself to completely shut my mouth about anything related to marriage and proposals. He knows I’m also sick of bringing it up while I don’t really want to.
I don’t want us to sound like an instable couple though, because we have lots of affectionate, loving and happy moments.
So far in February, we’ve had our individual vulnerable moments (let’s say that life is just not always that easy…) but everything else feels so much better. We don’t have this marriage tension anymore. I’ve just completely let go of it. But because our holidays are (slowly) approaching AND I keep everything about proposing inside, it’s like my thoughts are now on steroids!
Last week, one evening he suddenly asked me, “You don’t really wear jewellery other than earrings, do you? What about necklaces, bracelets and rings?” He’s right – I don’t. And this question is so not him! Why would he just ask that if it’s not for a purpose…?! I know it’s about jewellery in general, but he’s not the kind of guy to be obvious.
To make it worse, the next day we were relaxing on the sofa, and when he held my hand, he suddenly started touching and observing all my fingers very carefully, one by one. It really looked like it was more than just affection or playing. Again, I know it’s ALL fingers and not just my ring finger, but he doesn’t normally do this, and he just looked so observant! It was also my right hand, but when we’re on the sofa he’s literally always sitting right of me. I can’t help but think, “Was he trying to gauge my finger size?!”
On one hand I’m super excited, on the other hand I’m so anxious that I’m expecting something that won’t come when I think it’s coming… I’m more on the anxiety side actually, because I think the disappointment would be really difficult for me (not disappointed in him, though). To me, it’s just so crystal clear that this holiday is going to be the PERFECT special moment for him to do it – it’s impossible that he doesn’t at least consider it! And why would he not do it…? There is no real reason for him not to. Over the last few weeks, he tells me so much how much he loves me, that I’m very precious to him and that he’s very grateful to have me in his life. I’ve got a feeling he really does want to propose to me; he’s just waiting for that special moment to do it. And nothing would be better than the holiday that we’ve booked… You could argue that he may simply propose somewhere else that’s not at home, but we don’t really go out and there aren’t really any appropriate places around us either. He’s also not the kind of person to book a surprise weekend short in advance.
I’m so tired of all the what-ifs in my head. We’ve literally not discussed anything about rings or ring size – is that a bad sign or is he just going to surprise me? What if he’s not planning to propose during this holiday at all – is this just a fantasy in my head? What if his mate proposes during March, which is likely – would it stop him from proposing to me a month later? What if he still feels too much stress or pressure from me and he doesn’t feel a proposal is right now? What if he’s saving for an expensive ring and didn’t get my hint that I’m not after anything that costs him a lot? Etc… Etc… Of couse, he may propose without the ring, but I actually hope not.
If he doesn’t propose during this holiday in April, I’m not sure I can keep everything inside me until summer (another holiday but no concrete plans). What I do know though is that it’s highly likely he will propose this year. Next year we’re going to move and we agreed to start our family straightaway after, and he absolutely wants to be married before having children. Add to that my one-year engagement suggestion… I’m holding my breath. I don’t want to ruin something that’s probably so close, but I’m extremely bad when it comes to mustering patience. It just takes so much energy that I can never hold on for very long.
So, if it’s not April, I will just have to carefully tell him that while I’m not desperate about marrying, he has pushed me over the edge with all his secretive hints, and that I need to know a bit more to keep false hope at bay. I think that’s what has really set it off – every time he dropped another hint, my passion and desire just start to swell. Of course I like it when he teases me, but there’s only so much I can bear before it’s eating me up…
Wow, this is SUPER LONG, but I’m going to post it anyway.
Thank you so much for reading, and I hope everyone here will be rewarded in 2017!! 🙂