(Closed) Is waiting to tell people after 12 weeks a new thing?

posted 3 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 31
Member
1009 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: The Retreat at Bradley\'s Pond

You’re forgetting that their network of friends 20-30 years ago was a FRACTION of the people you consider friends now. I don’t say that rudely I say in that there was no social media to discuss your pregnancy with.. so your mom told her immediate family, coworkers, friends in town and a handful of friends from college if she still had their phone number or found it in the phone book- all antiquated ideas now. Maybe 50 people knew?!

Now you’re battling with hundreds or thousands of friends from high school and college and friends along the way knowing the inner details of your physical health. 

You were right to explain the concerns of miscarriages and employment and while miscarriage can happen at any point (or a still birth) it’s easier and less dramatic for all when you wait for that timeline. 

I saw my “cousin” post an announcement for her pregnancy the other day and was floored that she was practically 6 weeks in and sharing with Facebook. TONS of friends congratulated her on the pregnacy which is fair and deserved. Which was nice until about 2 weeks later (if that) she wrote on the same thread that they had lost the baby. It’s terrible and from what friends have said I wouldn’t wish it on 2 happy people… but now she has to have that discussion again and again with hundreds of people instead of just letting it be. 

You’re not bad parents or tacky for waiting until “the safe zone”. Heck, I had a friend ask me to do maternity photos shortly after getting pregnant because she was so high risk and even if she lost the baby she still wanted to share with her parents it was possible. 

I would tell my family early on…but I would hope that they would wait until I lift the “media gag order”…it should be your news to share WHEN you want to share it. 

Post # 32
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Banquet hall

Historically, women couldn’t be certain of their pregnancy until symptoms became obvious. There were no diagnosistic imaging tools available until the last century, and home pregnancy tests are only about 50 years old. Our grandmothers did not have them.

Missing one period is suspicious, but can be a fluke. Coupling early symptoms with a second missed cycle is more informative, and outward physical signs begin to appear at 12 weeks, along with a third missed cycle. 

English Common Law, and subsequent law codes in former British colonies, like the United States, did not legally consider a woman pregnant until “quickening” when the baby began to move. (I.e. If a pregnant woman was killed after quickening, it was considered a double homicide.) Both the Catholic Church and Protestant denominations believed ensoulment occurred at quickening. (This also coincides with modern viability rates.) With the religious revival of the late Victorian period (roughly after the death of Prince Albert in the UK and the Civil War in the States), religious doctrine became more strict and you see the shift towards “life at conception” doctrine. 

In the early 1900s (especially after WWI), you see the rise of the X-ray and internal imaging was born. The Roaring ’20s brought about more interest in contraception and women’s health for the first time since the religious revivals of the 1800s. The Rhythm Method hits literature, contraceptive laws begin to be overturned (or disobeyed). By WWII, soldiers were issued prophylactics in their kits. With the Baby Boom after the war, the market grew for commercial baby goods, maternity clothes, and more specialized prenatal and antenatal care. Women’s health advances became rapid: The Pill hit the market around 1960, and home pregnancy tests hit shelves in the 1970s. Since then, you see this great control over conception and pregnancy. The 12 week wait remains, however. 

Personally, I support the twelve week wait. My mother told me about it when I was young, about 15 years ago. I think it’s less devastating to frame early miscarriages as a problem with menstruation than a loss when the baby is not viable. I appreciate the theory of quickening for this reason.

I disagree with another poster that the news wouldn’t have spread as quickly without social media. I grew up in a small town. With or without Facebook, news travels by word of mouth among a few thousand people in a week, if not less. My wedding was not publicized until after, and everyone knew before I even got the pictures back three weeks later! 

Post # 33
Member
1034 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I didn’t read other comments but a big part of why people didn’t think about miscarriage back in the day is because there were no early pregnancy tests. Most people who had miscarriages didn’t know because a lot of them happen so early. I agree with how you handled it and I handled both of my pregnancies (one of which was a miscarriage) the same way.

Post # 34
Member
2146 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

no its common sense to wait… that FACT is miscarraige is most common before 12 weeks regardless of how healthy or young you are – some people tell their parents or best friends (frankly I wouldnt want to put them through the hurt of a loss they could happily be oblivous too but thats just my view) but if you do suffer a loss you most likely wont want to face the questions and awkward comments from every man, his twice removed aunt and their cousins dog

my parents never told before 12 weeks either so definately not knew and unfortunatly I know very few people who have never been touched by miscarraige, 1 in 4 is a high statistic and thats not 1 in 4 people thats 1 in 4 pregnancies and many people will have multiple pregnancies

Post # 35
Member
2146 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

lilchicana :  miscarraige and loss aren’t shameful they are painful and a very private moment in life that doesnt need trampling on by often well meaning morons who say misguidedly offensive ‘nicities’ like ‘its for the best, their was probably something wrong with it’ or ‘you have plenty of time and you’ll have better luck next time’ – go to any loss forums rant page and see nearly every commenter has had stupid things like these said to them while grieving

Post # 36
Member
2019 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

im not pregnant yet, but i plan on waiting two to three months before announcing publicly. My sister had a miscarriage at 10 weeks, she had said she planned on waiting till around the 15-20 week mark to announce, which is why she never announced it.  

Post # 37
Member
2342 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

newbie1123 :  26 years ago my ex husband and I told our parents the happy news that I was 12 weeks pregnant. 8 years later we did the same again. It was common practice then and recommended by many and in the books I read. Neither set of parents questioned it in the least  

Their reaction is very disappointing, they are saying very hurtful things when you would expect joy and support. I see it as a red flag. Be prepared and plan with your husband for future boundary stomps once your LO is born. I hope they respect your role as parents and do not take offence if your opinions don’t always match up, or if you don’t want them in the delivery room, or you are sometimes too tired for visits. 

Congratulations on your exciting news!

Post # 38
Member
2967 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

btob17 :  um, yeah, I know. I’ve had a miscarriage. I know exactly how it feels. My point is that the idea of “you must keep this a secret because what if something bad happens? What are you going to say?” can make women feel like they have something to be ashamed of and it can also feel very isolating to grieve secretly. If we are more open about our losses we can help other grieving mothers and educate people on how to help someone going through a loss. 

It’s ok if people choose to keep their miscarriages private, but it’s a problem if they feel like they have to.

Post # 39
Member
2342 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

lilchicana :  It’s a very personal decision, there’s no one right way, but I didn’t wait until 12 weeks because I thought miscarriage was a shameful secret, I’m sure had I miscarried I would have told my mum and she would have been supportive However the contrast between her/their joy at hearing the pregnancy news would make it much harder to tell them the sad miscarriage news, and dealing with their own raw grief as well as my own might be too much. That won’t be be true for everyone.

With regard to wider friends, it’s sod’s law that people who haven’t yet heard about the miscarriage will rush up to you and gush about how you’ll be showing soon etc, leaving you suddenly stricken in the middle of the supermarket.  

I inadvertently did this on the phone to a friend I don’t see that often because of distance, I excitedly asked how the baby and her were doing only to get a long pause and a very small voice asking “Didn’t [sister’s name] tell you? I asked her to tell you…” – she couldn’t face telling people herself as she got upset every time.  This same friend also had an earlier miscarriage that occurred before she told anyone but her mum, it was just as hard emotionally but at least she didn’t have people like me traumatising her anew. She wasn’t ashamed either, hence all her friends knowing about this other miscarriage too, when she was ready, but knowing after the event prevents people putting their foot in it. 

Post # 40
Member
2452 posts
Buzzing bee

As with wedding planning, the details of your pregnancy as well as any and all revelations about them, are strictly and totally the property of you and your baby’s father.

AND THAT’S IT.

Post # 41
Member
2967 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Drizzle :  I know it’s a personal decision. That’s exactly what I said in my first reply. I’m not trying tell anyone exactly what to do and no matter what you choose you shouldn’t be made to feel badly about it.

i had someone ask me if I was pregnant while I was going thru my miscarriage, so keeping it quiet doesn’t necessarily safe guard you from questions/comments.

to each their own. 

Post # 42
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Reading this made my blood boil because of how sensitive I am to this. Guess it’s a good thing that they’re that naive. cry

Post # 43
Member
2108 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Maybe it’s a new rule… I really have no idea. Ultimately though that doesn’t matter. It is all dependent on what you are comfortable with. We told my husband’s parents at 8 weeks because they are very supportive and we would want them to be there if the worst had happened. My family didn’t find out until I was 13 weeks along because if the worst happened I wanted to be able to deal with it on my own. We have very different families. Really, it all comes down to what you’re comfortable with. Do not let your families push you into something you don’t want to/aren’t ready to do. Congrats!!!

Post # 44
Member
2146 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

lilchicana :  its that you implied that those of us that dont tell are ‘ashamed’ though… thats not true at all – their are a million reason not to tell (most are self presvation and protecting loved ones) but not of them ive ever heard have been ‘shame’ related and I dont think that word belongs here, its a very offensive term to use toward those doing something different to you and us not telling or voicing our reason why we didnt is no way pushing our ‘shame’ onto others

you also dont have to grieve secretly, infact I found it completely impossible too – vitually any hospital has grief councilling and support nurses + the father + hundreds of online support networks + loss charities + the church/vicar/priest + your employer… I had no idea until my loss just how huge the support network is, with so many options you really cant grieve completely alone (some loss suport groups ive been in varies from people who had a loss before 4 weeks all the way up to still births so no matter how early even there is still support)

Post # 45
Member
7122 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

NO it’s not a new thing. In fact, a new trend I’m seeing is not telling people until they’ve had their 20 week gender ultrasound….and announcing their pregnancy with gender.

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