Is your FI/SO/DH a romantic? Do they speak your love language?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
253 posts
Helper bee

At this point I’m sure you’ve already had countless discussions with him about romantic gestures and it’s pretty clear this isn’t something he does – and it’s highly unlikely that this will ever change. 

Only you can decide if you’re willing to sign up for a lifetime of special occasions to not look forward to. Will you grown resentful? Will you feel a pang of jealousy every time a friend’s husband treats her to something nice? Whatever is bothering you now will only get worse once you get married.

Post # 3
Member
2628 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Have you actually read the whole Love Languages book?  Or did you just take the quiz?

If you read the book, it talks about how to learn how to speak your partners love langauge- by starting with small things.  If you have not read the book, you and your partner should read it.  That would help a lot.  It also would get him to more understand your desires.

Post # 4
Member
951 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I read the 5 Love Languages and then Darling Husband and I both took the quiz, and to be quite honest I think he thought it was sort of a joke. One of mine was Acts of Service and he reacted pretty sarcastically to that, as if I’d be expecting him to do all my chores or some type of over the top thing. His way of showing love aligns more with his love languages, so he could probably also benefit from reading about each of them!

As PP said you either need to continue to help him understand what your needs are, or learn to accept that he expresses himself differently and that it’s also a valid way of him showing you love and affection. Either way, marriage will amplify these feelings so it’s best to address them now. 

Post # 5
Member
487 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I have been with my Darling Husband for almost 9 year, and at the beginning (around year 4 or 5) I did feel bad because he wasn’t as romantic as I wish he would. I would hear stories of people who randomly got candies, flowers, letters or gifts and feel envy. I did discuss it with Darling Husband (back then, BF) and, as much as he tried, being romantic was not his strength.

However, I did discover that althought he wasn’t romantic in a traditional way…he had his own way of being romantic, I just had to change the way I thought about romance. So, for example, maybe he wouldn’t randomly bring me chocolates when he visited me, but if I expressed craving this or that he would always be more thab willing to satisfy my craving. 

I also started appeciating more his little unconventional romantic gestures (that  not always alined with my tastes), for example: him taking me for breakfast to a nice restaurant, teaching me how to play his favorite games, and showing me his childhood favorite cartoons. 

We have such different love languages (I have three with the same scores xD) but we have make it work because we always try to put on each others shoes and we have worked really hard on our communication skills, so we can propery communicate our wants and needs. 

So, no, it doesn’t bother me that he isn’t traditionally romantic 🙂

Post # 6
Member
4691 posts
Honey bee

I’m also wondering if you have read the book in its entirety because your post makes it sound as if you were just introduced to the concept in counseling and maybe you took the quiz. I won’t say you are shallow but I do think you do not have a clear understanding of what the book would be trying to tell you. I also think that you’re probably being really unfair to your fiance in calling him unromantic. He may very well be romantic just in the forms that he is more comfortable expressing. I think you mean he’s just not romantic in the way that you would prefer. Not all people view romance as getting gifts.  Most people don’t innately speak all of the other love languages. They tend to speak in the way that they would prefer to receive themselves. So if he is touchy-feely and he does things for you like taking out the garbage or changing the oil on your car then that is his version of being romantic. He’s not going to change who he is. At most you can learn to communicate and make active gestures in trying to speak the others language. In other words instead of showing him love by giving him gifts you can show him love through touch and performing acts of service. And vice versa for him. Honestly if this is troubling you that much then it means you probably need additional counseling sessions to learn how to better communicate with each other and make sure that both of you are making an active commitment to trying to show love in ways you both prefer.

Post # 7
Member
2110 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I agree with PP about reading the book and responding to each other’s love language. My love language is gifts. It’s pretty much just gifts, the other categories are pretty minimal. Darling Husband is mainly touch and with a bit of acts of service. 

Darling Husband loves to buy me presents for my birthday and Christmas but he always overthinks it and starts to panic that I won’t like it so he gets himself a bit stuck and I end up telling him what I want. He doesn’t really get random little presents though, which I love. But then again I get frustrated when he started hugging and kissing me when I’m cooking. We try to remember what the other needs so he tries to remember to pick up gifts for me and I try to remember that I need to stop cooking and plaster him with kisses.

But sometimes we forget so then we need to ask each other. For example, I had an eye test the other week and I asked Darling Husband to find me a gift that I would love while he waited for me. I told him not to spend a lot and just find something he thought I’d love. We went to the supermarket and I wanted some flowers so I asked him to pick some for me. Darling Husband will often ask if we can just cuddle on the couch tonight. There’s nothing wrong with asking for more of your love language if your languages are mis-matched. There is nothing wrong with saying what you want. Learn to recognise when he is showing you he loves you through his language.

Even with that, my husband is not into big, romantic gestures, even within his love language. It’s just not him. He’s always been an unstated kind of guy and I like that about him, I like that he isn’t the guy with all the banter at the bar and the guy calling attention to himself when we’re out. So big romantic gestures is just the same, it’s his personality and what makes him him. The alternative is to not be with him. I can’t change him. I don’t want to change him because he’s great in so many other ways. So I look for the little romantic things he does and I personally think are much nicer than flashy romantic gestures.

Post # 9
Member
263 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

My Fiance isn’t into grand romantic gestures. I’ll write love notes, tie a birthday balloon to his steering wheel so he’ll be surprised on his way to work, or make a photo album of the funny things he says. I love that stuff! And he appreciates that I go to the effort. 

But I see the romance in the things he does do for me — never complains that he always takes out the garbage because he knows I hate doing it. Or will get me aspirin the moment I say I have a headache, because he knows I’ll forget. Or this morning, he wanted me to remember to take the lunch he prepared for me last night, so I found this note on the door:

That’s his love letter — and it might not have flowery language, but it expresses how he feels about me just the same. 🙂  I think it’s all about perspective. Once you see how your SO expresses their love, your eyes will be permanently open.

Post # 10
Member
3868 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

My current relationship is the first one in which both me and my SO have dated people that speak the same love language. We comment pretty often on how different it is to be with someone who communicates the same, but thats not to say different communicators cant work.

I agree with PP’s in that I think you and your SO need to read the book. You said you adjusted the way you communicate with your SO a bit, but did he adjust? Does he know how to adjust? If you like gifts, you may need to teach him how to love you that way. Maybe he’ll never do surprises and you’ll have to tell him what you want or direct him a bit… you maybe need to adjust your expectations a little until he learns your language better. If he’s willing to learn your love language, give him props, thats huge and right there shows you that this man really does love you and wants to make you happy. 

Post # 11
Member
326 posts
Helper bee

My husband is way wayyy more romantic than I am. He buys me flowers, snacks etc all the time and way more lovely dovey. My love language is the act of service and gifts frankly while his plain affection which isn’t me normally. But like posters mention you can leave how to speak each other’s love language. 

Post # 12
Member
9870 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

My husband is not traditionally romantic. He’s definitely not a gift giver or someone who is into big romantic gestures but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t show me that he loves me. He loves to cuddle, he loves to give me random kisses, he says “I love you” countless times every day. He can sit and talk with me for hours about anything. He makes me laugh all the time. 

Your OP makes he sound like your fiancé doesn’t show love at all but I’m sure that’s not true. Start to look for all the little ways he does show you that he loves you. And start to appreciate how he does show love.

If you do need more of something, like flowers or whatever then tell him! But don’t expect him to change either. 

Post # 13
Member
2754 posts
Sugar bee

Romantic? Not in the traditional sense–he has never come into the room swept me off my feet saying “My dearling my life would be ruined without you.”

Does he do things like buying tickets to performers I like even if he doesn’t?sending packagesfrom Amazon he thnks I’d like, doing grocery shopping at 10pm, sit up with our cat who is old and sickly and most of all he loves and respects my sons, something more  important to me, moreso than the grand gestures.  While he may have trouble actually telling me he loves me he shows it by his actions each and every day.

Post # 14
Member
929 posts
Busy bee

MY Dh is not what you would call romantic either. However, he does know that I like affection and he will send me flowers from time to time. If I feel like I am lacking something from him, he does listen and then will try to provide what I need. Him listetning to me in itself is a gift. 🙂

Post # 15
Member
7873 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

My Darling Husband is romantic, but frankly I have no use for that nonsense. You love me? Empty the dishwasher!

Clearly my love language is acts of service.

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