Post # 1
So the boy and I moved in together officially April 1. Unofficially living together since January. This problem is only cropping up recently since we were on our best behavior before, but his need for solitude is getting to me. I try to be supportive, but I’ve always been a social butterfly, and dating an introvert is such a different experience. I’m sitting in a mall food court reading because he decided this morning that he needed alone time today. I know deep down its not my fault, but I can’t help wonder am I boring him? Is baseball THAT interesting that I need to leave the house so he can focus?
I’ve been getting so bored lately and know I should go out and do my own thing with my friends, but even when he encourages me to do so, I feel guilty leaving him all alone at the house. Has anyone else been able to find a good balance? Or are you an introvert who can give me some insight on alone time? I’m the type of person who needs maaaaaybe an hour of alone time per day and then I’m ready to face the world again 🙂
Post # 3
My man is something of an introvert, but so am I (used to be more so) so I might be able to shed some light. If it is completely an introvert thing (could be some adjusting to living together going on too, not unusual or bad), I can tell you you’re not boring him or doing anything wrong, it’s more likely that he just needs time alone to recharge. Does that make sense? My understanding is that extroverts feel energized by being with people, often in highly interactive settings, while introverts feel drained by too much time around people and need time alone to reenergize. I completely encourage you to let go of the guilt about going places and doing things without him – I mean, communicate about it, but probably he’ll be grateful to not feel like he has to go to everything and be social all the time.
Post # 4
Mine is an introvert, but he doesn’t need me to leave the HOUSE!! Why can’t he just go in a different room and close the door? It is absolutely not right that you feel like you can’t be in your own home just because he wants to watch baseball.
ETA: On the other hand, I have no problem going to parties, hanging out with friends, etc., without him. He’s happier that way, and I get to have fun with my friends. NBD.
Post # 5
@mightywombat: Good point, I didn’t really cover that. I mean, Fiance and I like to have some fairly chill,not terribly interactive time at home, but it’s not like “I’m tired of people, get out of here”. More like “I’m going to do stuff on the computer for a while, but let’s have dinner in a little bit”.
Post # 6
I’m the introvert in our relationship. It’s nice right now because I’m not working so I have a ton of time to myself but on the weekend when he’s home I just have to carve space for myself. He’s got the tendancy to follow me around sometimes so I gently just have to ask for space. I think he should be asking for privacy in a nicer way and within more reason.
I mean, I’m perfectly content sitting in the same room as him with a book or my computer. I think it’s a little crazy he asked you to leave the house. It’s ridiculous. He should be leaving to watch the game somewhere else if it bothers him that much.
Post # 7
Hmmm.. I’m an introvert, but that doesn’t mean that I need to have my fiance leave the house so that I can be alone. That’s very strange.
It just means that I’m not into going to crowded places and socializing with people that i don’t know or hardly know.
If someone wants someone else to leave the house, it’s usually so that they can do something that they cannot do with the person there. I mean.. generally speaking.
It’s your home too. You should always feel welcome there. If I lived by you, I’d come hang out with you 🙂
Post # 8
Aww thanks ladies! He didn’t ask me to leave the house, it’s just more that since I’ve been unemployed, all I do is stay home. Besides running errands and going to interviews. I just got offered a job yesterday and he was so sweet bringing me home flowers, etc. And now that I know I’ll be getting a steady income stream again, I woke up wanting to DO something this weekend.
I get 40hr+ a week to do chores, watch Netflix, have “me time” so weekends are WAY different than they used to be. I like being a homebody too every once and awhile, but for the past few months, by the time Friday hits, all the laundry is done, I’m cooked out, caught up on all of my shows, and ready to DO stuff and see people (including date night with him obviously). So today when he said he wanted some alone time, I wasn’t about to sit around the house doing the same thing I have been all week.
Post # 9
@stace0616: Oh, ok, that makes way more sense! (And congrats on the job, that’s wondeful!!) I imagine once you’re working again, you won’t be quite as stir-crazy on the weekends, and it will even out a bit more.
Also, you’re still pretty newly living together – it takes at least 6 months to a year, in my experience, for couples to settle into a good rhythm that works for both people.
Post # 10
Yes 🙂 he hasn’t taken the test but I’d guess he’s INTP. He needs to be able to do his own things separately and by himself (working on cars, building fish tanks, fixing things, whatever) so as long as I leave him be and he has these outlets for a few hours a week, he’s really happy. It sounds like its hard for you guys right now but after you start working, there will be more balance.
Post # 11
My Darling Husband is the introvery and I’m the extrovert… He gets his alone time by hanging on the computer… So I come to places like this, where I at least still get some interaction 🙂
We hang out with friends a lot too – try not to do large groups all the time though, for his sake… I’ve been sick, so we didn’t hang out with friends for several weeks… It got to the point that even my Darling Husband was looking for people interaction haha 🙂
Post # 12
Both SO and I are introverts. And our relationship looks really, really boring to third parties. “Wait your idea of relaxing together on a Sunday afternoon is doing two totally different things as long as you are in the same room?” Yep. I read. SO plays video games. To us the proximity is more important than the activity. It’s not that we bore each other but we are both very independent people that have continued to pursue our own interests and goals even as we’ve built a relationship together.
I suspect the reason you end up getting booted for baseball is because you aren’t happy just sitting there doing… well nothing. And there is nothing wrong with that. People are different that’s what makes life so colorful. Its not that baseball (or reading in my case) is all that important at all. Its that constantly amusing someone is draining on introverts. We tend to be really good at taking care of ourselves and not so good at taking care of others. We make good rocks (since we tend to be solid and are almost always found in the same place, home) but rocks don’t travel well without assistance and are frequently stepped on at parties. So don’t feel bad leaving him at home. If he didn’t want to be there he would come with you.
For some frame of reference for you, I require less than an hour of actual interaction time with others a day to feel content with my social life. Granted SO is a special case (I love him) and I’m ready to just go do my own thing after about 6 hours together doing the same thing.
Post # 13
I’m an introvert.
You aren’t boring him! He just needs recharge time. My husband tries to spend 1-2 nights a week with friends so I can have alone time. It’s pretty easy for us. We also have staggered schedules – I go to bed and wake up before him, so we each get the house to ourselves a couple hours each day.
Introvertedness isn’t about you – it’s about him. Don’t take it personally! Here’s a helpful article that will give you a TON of insight into what he is thinking and feeling:
Post # 14
I AM AN INTROVERT!
And i can tell you it actually doesnt have anything to do with you. As long as you are ok with it and dont make him feel bad, it will be fine.
I can tell you that being around people all the time exhausts me. My SO’s family is very “lets spend time together, and play games, and talk all the time” and i can only take them in short bursts. I enjoy my quiet time. I dont really feel the need to have people in my house alot, I just like ME time. Talking non stop about things that dont matter BORES me and i need to often step out of a room full of people to take a deep breath. If i am around people i really trust and can be myself with this doesnt apply as much.
So just let him have his time. And dont feel bad about leaving him alone.
Post # 15
My SO is a blend of the introvert. He definitely has to recharge and we take time to do things with just me and him if other activities will have us in a crowd. Example- On Sunday before going ot my parents’ house for mom’s day, we went to a local park to take a walk and then sat in the car and just talked for a little while. He was perfectly fine.
You should feel free to openly talk about your needs in the relationship and come to some sort of balance.
Post # 16
Mine is a huge introvert. I’ve posted in other threads that he can go hours without talking. He’s kind of like spock to be honest- very unemotional as well. It took me a lot of getting used to, and lots of prodding to make him talk. He hates all forms of idle chit chat.
Me: I saw the funniest thing today on tv..blah blah
Him: Lindsay, I don’t care.
And he really doesn’t see it as rude, he’s just a weird ass guy. He’s actually very sweet, but sooo not social. We used to have regular screaming fights about it.