(Closed) Isn't that rude? What do I say?

posted 4 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
3327 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

You are not in the wrong, you are very smart to plan for the ‘just in case’. There is no way to get around that. You’re best off telling your mom the venue is booked, and you can’t cancel it anyways so no need to ruffle feathers.

There is no magic number to say how many people will come. Just plan for 100% and pat yourself on the back later when you save some money (or upgrade your bar/add late night snack/etc for the guests who do confirm).

Post # 3
Member
9164 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
cantwaittobeemarried :  I agree with you about not booking a venue and hoping that people don’t come because well that is just foolish.

It might be worth however finding a venue that will let you book a minimum number and upgrade if you get a lot of yes rsvp’s. That way you can budget for everyone attending but not be on the hook if a large number of guests rsvp no.

 

Post # 4
Member
3899 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

I think getting pre-RSVPs defies the whole purpose of sending them invites. It’s just weird.  As for % I don’t know. 

Post # 5
Member
4810 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
cantwaittobeemarried :   Do not reserve a venue with a capacity smaller than your guest list.  Just don’t, no matter what anyone says about attending or not.  

You may want to ask possible venues about their minimum requirement, as you may get into that territory if you have a high number of declines.

Why not scale down to a smaller wedding – with a small guest list?  

Post # 6
Member
1799 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

You are right, really rude idea.

Post # 7
Member
1443 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

If your mother is paying, let her do what she wants. If not, do what you want. IMO, if they’ve already said they’re not coming and you don’t care if they do, then don’t invite them, and if someone changes their mind and really wants to come then you can invite them later. That might be poor etiquette but whatever.

We invited 192 guests to our wedding, which was a 6 hour drive for us, 2 hour drive for about 80 guests, and anywhere from the same city to another continent for the rest, and about 95 came. So about 50%. I would have loved to book a smaller venue.

Post # 9
Member
3164 posts
Sugar bee

Just another thing to consider in your venue search is whether there are places that have different spaces they would let you switch between – ie one that accommodates all invitees but also has a room that is better suited to smaller numbers should you have low # of RSVPs and they would let you change rooms before a certain date. We had a domestic destination wedding and had almost 100% acceptance but we’re Aussie and people here are used to travelling and get time off work easily 

Post # 10
Member
224 posts
Helper bee

Don’t book a venue that can’t accomodate your full guest list. It would be a nightmare if you cannot fit everyone who came in your venue. 

Can you book a venue that will only charge based on the RSVP? Our venue can accommodate up to 200 guests but we only need to give them the final guest list a couple of weeks before the wedding and then we pay per head. The minimum is 50 guests (if we have 35 people we still pay 50). 

Post # 11
Member
1887 posts
Buzzing bee

First of all, I think that’s really sad that you’ve had to cut your friend list down so much. I would urge you to reconsider that, since it is YOUR wedding, after all.

But I think you’re absolutely right re: venue size. We’re having a wedding that requires travel and my parents complained that so many of their list wouldn’t be able to go; well, they’re all coming, and we’ve actually had to order extra tables. Sometimes parents don’t know best.

Post # 12
Member
3825 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

There have been panicked posts here before from bees who went over venue capacity due to assuming people wouldn’t come. Don’t set yourself up for stress like that. At my venue I need to give them a minimum number of guaranteed people but can increase that number up until something like a week before. 

Post # 13
Member
9396 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

We had a domestic destination wedding, sort of.. Only 4 guests plus us live in Seattle, the rest areal over North America.

we invited 72 people. 40 attended.

wehad a venue that was perfect for 40 (our original guesstimate), could fit up to 52.. And if somehow we had more than 52 we could move the whole wedding to another space of the venue (much less pretty though).

i think you are in the right. Your mom needs to stop micromanaging.

Post # 14
Member
940 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
cantwaittobeemarried :  Hmm I don’t know, personally I think I understand why your mom would want you to do that. Perhaps to do with a smaller venue = smaller cost, or maybe she’s worried that if you have a large venue with a max capacity of 500 people, and only 100 show up, the place would look too empty? If it were me I wouldn’t want an empty venue with only a handful of people. I’ll feel better if it’s a 100 people in a 150 max setting. You didn’t say what her actual reasons are, why she’s worried about this. Or is she just trying to indirectly tell you not to invite so many people?

In my culture it’s perfectly fine to ask them beforehand, just call them and ask if they have any intention at all to come in a nice way, because things have to be booked and such. I don’t think I would feel you being rude if you want to be sure so you can plan your wedding, it’s your day right? And I’m just a guest who only need to attend. Or maybe you could send your invitations much earlier so you can get an approximate amount?

Tbh I’m also in a dilemma about this lol, there’s a venue that’s way more affordable but has a max capacity of 700-800 people, and I’m only having 200 max. I worry it might feel way too empty. Or I could go  for one that seats 180 people and cut the guest list which I can do easily. But it’s double the price of the first!

Post # 15
Member
457 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

View original reply
cantwaittobeemarried :  she sounds slightly on the domineering side… Don’t give in. Ask her not to call people because you feel it would be rude. 

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