- 5 years ago
- Wedding: January 2014
This post is fairly long, but I need to vent. My Fiance and I are getting married in less than 1 month! YAY!!! We had originally planned a sweet backyard vintage wedding with about 50 guests for last October 2013. Then, the proverbial s**t hit the fan.
My SIL said the date wouldn’t work for her and my brother (my only sibling, my Fiance is an only child), because of my nephew’s KINDERGARTEN school schedule (he would miss one day). So my family made a stink since they wouldn’t be there and no one had seen them for almost 2 yrs. (they live up north and it’s very difficult for travel). So we changed the date.
Then, we scaled it down and decided on 20 guests at the wedding so we could have a reception at a local resturant and not worry about the hurricane season weather! After that, my health failed (I have a permanent neurological disease, not terminal) and things were so strained with the finances, etc. that we put things on hold for a while so we could focus on our day to day life and my health, not a wedding date.
After my health improved, I was able to get a job and our situation improved quickly! When our finances stablized and we took the time to relax, we reset the date for a small beach wedding in Jan 2014. At that point, we were hoping for smooth sailing (pun intended)!
Unfortunately, my heath has deteriorated again, possibly permanently – I have lost my job, and am now on disability. I will be seeing a brain surgeon about 2 weeks after the wedding to see about my options on that route to improve my condition, therefore it is VERY important for us to get married before that starts. We thought about just eloping, but we want to have a special day with our immediate family to remember forever.
Now to the main issue: My parents are divorced. It was a nasty affair… literally. My dad basically kicked my mom out due to an ultimatium from his mistress that she would leave him if he didn’t. He didn’t tell my mom about the affair (she asked and he said no, he just wanted a divorce and that she had 30 days to leave). Shortly after my mom moved out, I found out about the affair and confronted my father, he admitted to it and many others, saying that he wanted to be a “swinger” and had multiple partners, but the woman he left my mom for was his favorite. Shortly after the confrontation, my brother told my mom about it and she was heartbroken. She was so embarrassed and angry. It has taken her over 3 years to deal with the issues from her marriage and the cheating. About 1 year after I found out, his primary mistress died suddenly from a brain aneurysm. He announced his new relationship shortly after.
He says that his current girlfriend is someone he met and started dating shortly after his mistress died. I personally think she was one of the other whores, but I have no proof. We tried to get along at first, but when she started calling me a b***h, a spoiled brat, my brother an a**hole, and my mom a whore – I was done with her and her crap.
One of her favorite jabs is calling my ENTIRE family perverts, including my father. We only had one bathroom in my childhood home and obviously have all seen each other naked. I was always taught that the human body is not a sexual perversion, but a natural part of life. Therefore, nudity in the bathroom was a non-issue, because it had nothing to do with sexuality. I didn’t see my family members naked in any other place but the bathroom, so I didn’t think anything of it. When my father was diagnosed with cancer, he was unable to take care of himself and I was a former paramedic. During his treatments, he would get violently ill and have no control over his stomach or bowels. I was a primary caregiver, so there were several times that I had to bathe him, change his sheets, redress him, and put him back to bed. Again, this was not a sexual issue for me… I was caring for my father in a medical context. In his girlfriend’s opinion, I am a disgusting pervert (for not just waiting for my mom to come home from work and having her take care of him then) and so is he for allowing me to do that – also my family is disgusting due to the bathroom. To me, she is more of the problem for putting it in that context – however, I am a professionally trained artist, therefore I have taken many figure drawing classes that have strict rules about the models and how one should look at the human form in a natural way, not a sexual way.
My father was in remission for several years, but now his cancer has returned. He was in the hospital for some time, while I was still working, and I visited as often as I could. He came home shortly before I became ill again and since he has been doing better, my Fiance has been working 6 days a week to help us financially. I am not able to leave the house by myself nor can I drive, so visiting 2 1/2 hrs away is not an option. I have talked with my dad about all of this and he SAYS he understands, but then I get calls from other members of my family saying they have talked with him and don’t understand why I’m being so mean. His Girlfriend has convinced my 91 yrs old grandmother that I obviously don’t love my dad because I don’t visit (even though my dad has told me to focus on my own health right now), and she has my brother and his family convinced that I am attacking her at every opportunity (I have said I don’t want her in my life and refuse to speak to her).
Now my family has said that I am ruining our entire family by not inviting her to the wedding. She said she will come either way, or she won’t bring my dad or grandma to the wedding or speak to them if they come another way (we foresaw this reaction and planned other transportation for them). My brother, his family, and my mom are all coming from IN for the week and my brother says I need to grow up and invite the Girlfriend to the wedding. I’m terrified about what she’s going to say or do to me, or god forbid, my mom.
Part of me just wants to tell everyone to go to hell and have us just elope with my mom and my FI’s mom as witnesses. But I already know that would permanently ruin my relationship with my family and I truly do want a relationship with my brother and his family and my grandmother, as she won’t be with us much longer. As for my father, I could care less. He has shown that he doesn’t care about anyone but himself and whoever he’s sticking it in right now. However, in order to have a relationship with my brother and grandmother, that requires a relationship with my dad, which requires a relationship with the Girlfriend.
So, what do I do? Invite her in order to smooth everything over? Or continue to tell everyone that it is MY decision and she’s not coming no matter what, and hope she doesn’t show up or the rest of the family doesn’t boycott?
I know I’m the one allowing her to have control by worrying about it and making it a big deal, but I’m just so upset. Why would she even want to come to an event that she wasn’t wanted? I feel like she wants to prove her control and I want to prove that she doesn’t have that control. Maybe that makes me as low as her in all of this. Please help me out here. 🙁