(Closed) Issue about calling my FMIL *MOM*. please read

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
649 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

@starry: Our stories are very similar. My issue with my Mother-In-Law, and maybe the same with yours, is that I don’t trust her motives. She says she loves me, hugs me, sends gifts, but I don’t TRUST that the actions are coming from a loving part of her. It SOUNDS horrible and ingrateful, but the woman’s track record of ACTIONS don’t match up with the “love” that she says she feels for us.

My Mother-In-Law signs things “Mommy” and I totally assume that it’s just for her son’s benefit that she does this ( I think it’s halarious and he thinks it’s horrendously embarassing.)

Based on this vantage point, I’m inclined to think that it is a bit of a control move, in order to get you in line as one of the “children.” When I’ve had issues with my Mother-In-Law, one of the things I have to remind myself of is that she is NOT MY MOTHER at all. As things progress, it does seem like she harbors a matriarchal fantasy of some kind, but she also doesn’t have the CHOPS to be a matriarch of any sort either, so that deflates it for me.

I would say continue doing what makes you most comfortable, because later you may decide you’re tired of doing it to please her and it’ll seem like a change of heart when it really wasn’t. Your fiance encourages you because he’s trying to keep the peace on his end (which is his job) but this may be one of those things you don’t want to compromise. I don’t know about mentioning it to her or trying to have a one-on-one, because the decision is very self-explanitory. You just don’t like her enough. She just hasn’t earned the title. There is no other reason and if she confronts you for an explanation it would be a shame because that’s an awkward conversation.

Post # 4
7300 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m a grown woman. The only person I am calling mom is my mother. SO’s mother will be called by her first name and his step mother by her first name. I do call his grandparents “grandma Jan” “Grampa Leon” but everyone does, even his friends. I think his dad would be weirded out if I start calling him dad.

If you don’t want to, then don’t. Simple as that. You aren’t 3. ^_^

Post # 5
344 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

oh bah, i hate calling my Mother-In-Law “Mom” but it’s what she prefers. i wish i didn’t dislike her so much, because like most MILs, i think she has good intentions. but she has gotten really super angry before and it totally changed my view on her. she’s as two-faced as they come. but i totally feel you on this one. i begrudgingly call her mom.

Post # 6
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I call my Mother-In-Law by MRS. First Name and my Father-In-Law MR. First Name.. I am not going to call them mom and dad.  I have MY own mother and father. 

Post # 7
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

maybe she’s just really excited that she’s becoming a mom-in-law to you? she could be caught up in all of the excitement of the wedding, and becoming a mil is one of the most exciting parts for her. if that’s the case, i bet it will fade away. i would never call my fmil mom.

Post # 8
406 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

My daughter’s Future Mother-In-Law is doing the same thing and it aggravates me.  It’s the female version of a pissing contest- “who’s your momma now?”  She signs the online guestbook like that and cards, etc.  She can do that till the cows come home though because my daughter uses her given name already-  I’m not telling anyone but y’all that it ticks me off.  Improving my Christian wedding karma.

Post # 9
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I have no problem whatsoever with my Future Mother-In-Law, but after we got engaged she did start signing things Mrs. D, Mary or MOM, whatever you want to call me. Now, and always, I have called her Mrs. LASTNAME. I guess I really can’t continue to do that after I will also be Mrs. LASTNAME. But I can’t call her mom, no matter how much I like her. I only have 1 mom.

Post # 10
41 posts
  • Wedding: November 2009 - Our Lady of Grace Catholic Church (LaCoste, TX) and Mary Gray Events Center (Castroville, TX)

Judging from her other behavior this request doesn’t seem to be coming from a genuine place.  Mom is a title that can only be given by someone, it can’t be a forceful thing.  I also think that her behavior certainly hasn’t helped her earn the right to be called Mom.  It would weird me out, especially coming from someone that’s been so unsupportive of your relationship.  Talk with FH about it, and just continue to call her by her name.  And MIL’s wonder why they get a bad rep?

Post # 11
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I would never call my Future Mother-In-Law mom, I just call her April and that’s it. Now Fiance already calls my Mother, “Mom” but no one ever asked him to do that. He just did it on his own.

Post # 12
4480 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

She can sign her emails whatever she wants; you can still call her by her first name. If she ever takes it up with you, I might tell her that it would be disrespectful to your own mother to call another woman “mom,” or that your mom feels it would be, or SOMETHING, but maybe also tell her that you love how much she treats you like a daughter (doesn’t matter if it’s not true) to take the sting out for her. Bottom line, if it makes you very uncomfortable to call her mom, you shouldn’t do it. 

Post # 13
546 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I totally agree with @moonbeam, calling my mom, Mom, really means something to me.  My Mother-In-Law hasn’t tried to stir up any trouble with me, and I still can’t imagine calling her mom.  I feel more apart of my husbands family now that we are married…but it’s not like I gained additional parents.  What you call her should also make you comfortable…it’s not just about her.  Or about what your husband wants for that matter.  I would continue to call her by her first name and she can sign her emails Mom for as long as she wants.

Post # 14
790 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

My Mother-In-Law would like me to call her mom but there is no way that’s going to happen. Her and my Darling Husband even went so far as to say that is one of the reasons that her 1st sons marriage failed because his wife never called her mom. I have an amazing Mom and Dad and it’s not her. You make up your mind but calling someone mom represents so much more than a title it entails everything a “mom” should be and she doesn’t sound like she fits the bill.

Post # 15
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

maybe i’m insane, but i’ve never heard of people calling their mil’s “mom”. I am now worried this will happen to me, or has happened and I don’t realize it. Like has she been secretly signing stuff mom and i didn’t realize it? Going to check on that later. I love my fmil, but my mom is my one and only mom. It kinda makes me sad to think of myself calling anyone else mom!

Post # 16
1701 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

First of all, many of our MILs are of the age where they are “going through the change”.  If they are generally good people but often act psycho, this could be the reason.  Been through it with my own mother/aunts and I recognize the signs:)

My parents both called my grandmothers “Mom” so I grew up with that being normal.  However, I feel weird  about  calling someone else Mom and luckily my Mother-In-Law doesn’t seem to care.  She signs cards to us as “Mom and Dad” as does my mother.  I don’t see that as passive-aggressive at all, just simpler.

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