Post # 1
Hoping to get some advice about a convo I just had with a friend. Short and simple we hadn’t seen each other since March before the quarantine lockdowns.
2 weeks ago there was a meetup and we both went. Weather was awful, didn’t have much time and didn’t get a chance to talk much.
Since then I’ve been trying to plan a get together just the 2 of us. We text daily and I consider her one of my close friends. Anyway this is the text convo between us just now:
Me: Do you want to plan something for next weekend?
Her: Naw I’m gonna wing it and see how I feel….
plus I know I have to have a dinner with my family
Me: Ok. Maybe it’s just me but it feels like you don’t really want to get together??
Her: Listen I really don’t like when people complicate things for nothing….
I asked you I think this week if you wanted to do something during my week off
And I will be staying home at times I just don’t feel like being out personal decision
Me: I thought that was next week? That’s fine I’m just asking…I wasn’t trying to put you on the defence, I maybe didn’t word it right. I was just wanting to know if there was something wrong.
Her: I am absolutely not upset I am just being honest with you
I am not going to be available for anyone in my life 100% of the time that’s pretty much it
Me: Of course, just looking forward to seeing you. The picnic was so short just been wanting to see my friend
I was really taken aback to her messages. I haven’t seen her in months and she got her back up at me like that?! I really don’t get the blatant overreaction. I know she’s seeing other friends because she tells me, so I haven’t taken up any of this 100% I’ve had 0%.
Your thoughts would be appreciated. Feeling pretty crappy and some insight would be appreciated. Thank you
Post # 2
ehh, I don’t think it’s how you meant it, but if I told my friend I didn’t want to make solid plans and she responded the way you did I would assume she’s trying to guilt trip me and it would rub me the wrong way.
I don’t think i would immediately jump on the defensive but it’s possible that she has several people trying to catch up with her and pressuring her to make plans (especially now that she is starting to catch up with people) it might be that your text was just the last straw?
I wouldn’t take it to heart I’d just say “ok, I’ll message you on the weekend” or something.
Post # 3
Sorry Bee, you come across a bit insecure with your first response and people tend to get a bit defensive when they’re probed about a declined invite.
Maybe she’s just having a rough trot with the whole Covid thing, and isn’t really up to seeing people. I know it gets me down sometimes and I have definitely rejected catch ups because I’m not up to leaving the house.
Maybe she doesn’t have a heap of spare time, and a bunch of people keep pressuring her to catch up.
I don’t know. I’d give her a break if she was my friend. Especially these days.
Post # 4
Actually I’m going to disagree with the other bees.
This is one of my pet peeves. You’re busy, I’m busy, we’re all busy. But if you want to hang out with someone, you make a plan. You don’t ‘wing it’ with someone you want to hang out with, because you don’t want to risk them being unavailable. Is her expectation that you are just going to sit around until she feels like letting you know when maybe you guys could plan to get together? That’s not respectful, kind, or worthy of a close friendship. It’s entirely possible for someone to say, “I’m really not feeling up to hanging out this weekend, what about dinner the Sat after that?” or “I have family plans and I’m not really sure about my schedule, can we touch base midweek?”
When you directly ask someone if they want to hang out with you and their response is basically “…ehhh…maybe, if I feel like it…” that doesn’t send the message that you are valued. You had every right to ask her about that. My advice is to focus on making plans with people who actually value you and your time, and if she wants to get together she can go ahead and make the plans with you.
Post # 5
i had a friend guilt trip the hell out of me when i really wasnt in the mood to be social. I stopped responding and she ended up coming around and apologizing. Personally, the more someone gets upset if i dont meet up, the less i want to actually meet up with them. But i see you mean well and you miss your friend.. maybe shes going through some things rn that are taking her time and energy somewhwre else. Rn her main focus may not be to go hangout with a girlfriend. :/
Post # 6
Her responses would make me reconsider if you are really as good of friends are you think you are. She obviously is fine with not seeing you since March and thought your picnic time was enough.
If a friend is important to you make time. She doesn’t want to make plans with you. “Naw I’m gonna wing it and see how I feel..” It’s all about her.
Then when you asked if there was a reason she said “Listen I really don’t like when people complicate things for nothing…” That’s a hard pass for me.
I’d scale back on the texting and focus on other friendships. From her texts it seems she views you as an option not as a close friend.
Post # 7
I appreciate the replies, thank you. I’ve never had someone respond that way before when asking to make plans so I just really didn’t know what to say, it definitely stung. I will take a step back and go ahead making other plans. Thanks Bees, I appreciate it.
Post # 8
I have a friend who if I don’t respond to within an hour, says things like “I’m sorry if I’ve done something to upset you.” That can get annoying and often makes me want to respond in a curt way. This conversation is different, to me.
Your friend brushed you off, plain and simple. If I don’t want to hang out at a specific time -but I still want to see that friend- I respond with an alternate date or timeframe. Maybe your friend is going through things as many people are right now, but she’s only thinking of herself. She has every right to do that but you also have every right to feel hurt.
Post # 9
I wouldn’t be friends with someone like that.
Post # 10
I am a very social person with a large friend group. I was regularly booking 5-6 nights of activities a week and often double booking those (i.e. drink after work with one friend, then meeting a second person at 8pm for a walk or going to the climbing gym).
I was exhausted constantly. I very much had a mentality that since I cared about these people I had to make time for them. My calendar would be booked 4-6 weeks out.
COVID hit. I could not have asked for a better realization that I needed to slow down. I have RELISHED staying at home.
Since restrictions have been lifted I have been engaging in some social distancing activities (i.e. meeting in park, etc.). Two weeks ago I was busy every night and remembered how draining it was.
I made a new resolution not to plan more than one night a week in advance, and am “winging it” otherwise based on how I feel. I still made plans with three friends last week. But I made the plans closer to based on how I was feeling.
If your friend has told you she doesn’t know if she wants to make plans, especially since she knows she has family commitments, respect that. Make other plans if you want to be busy, but if you both happen to be free, that’s great. You did just see her recently.
If it’s ongoing and you are never able to plan anything with her, then maybe take a step back. I have a friend who asks me to do something at least once a week. I like her, but she isn’t a weekly friend in my head. She is a month or every two months. I have closer friends I do tend to see every week or every other week.
I think I would have reacted negatively to the way you framed your question. I don’t always have the capacity to make plans. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with our friendship. I’d rather spend time with my friends when I’m engaged and not exhausted.
Post # 11
I get what you are saying, but there is a big difference between needing to take time for yourself and ‘winging it’. You wouldn’t accept that in a potential love interest, no reason to accept it in a friendship. It’s still a relationship and relationships take work.
I had a similar experience to you, with being overloaded with friend activities and dating, plus work, and I needed to severely cut down my social time. I’m outgoing and friendly but I’m an introvert and I found myself feeling more and more exhausted. But when I made that realization, I didn’t just leave my friends in the dark. I told them I was overloaded and exhausted and cutting back on socializing, and I would make a plan for a future date and write it down on a calendar so I could see it and not overbook. I started telling people “I’m sorry I can’t make it, I’m exhausted/have plans already” even if my plans were to sit around at home with a book. But what I did not do was treat their friendship and feelings with indifference. I didn’t go “ehh…maybe…I’m just winging it” because I respect their time. If I had to do something close to that I would explain the circumstance, and then ask them if it’s ok to make a loose plan knowing that I might need to cancel, and I would give them a day I would contact them to let them know one way or the other…and if at any point something else came up for them feel free to make those plans and let me know.
If any friend told me they couldn’t bother to make plans with me, with no explanation or consideration for my feelings or time, then that’s a friend I wouldn’t bother to make plans with in the future.
Post # 12
I would be pretty taken aback honestly if I invited a friend to do something and they responded, nah, I’m just going to wing it. That to me says, “I don’t want to commit to something with you in case something better comes along.” That is entirely different from, “I’d like to see you but honestly I just haven’t felt that comfortable going out and I don’t want to commit to going out AT ALL in advance”.
I probably wouldn’t have sent the text saying it seemed like she didn’t want to get together, but I would assume her “winging it” was a decline and I would not be offering up another invitation after that.
Post # 13
Honestly, I’m a person who has health issues, sleep issues, and depression that can come up randomly. If I was trying to hint that I may not be up to it and someone said “it feels like you don’t really want to get together?” it would annoy me. I wouldn’t respond like she did but I would be secretly annoyed and not want to spend time with someone who tries to pressure me. Sometimes people don’t want to say that they have these issues in fear of looking like someone who is trying to gain sympathy. I would just give her some space, she may be going through a personal issue.
Post # 14
Thanks for the other insights. Just to clarify I’ve been trying to get together for the past several weeks to that’s why I eventually asked if something was wrong, especially knowing shes been seeing other friends. You’re right, my wording wasn’t the best but it wasn’t because she had just declined once. Just disappointing.
Post # 15
I think I see the disconnect between some bees here.
Some bees, such as myself, want to communicate with our friends. We are upfront about things and explain our feelings, and tell people what we need and why we react as we do.
Some bees, such as you, are not comfortable being so communicative and would rather hint at it.
As a communicative and emotional person, I can’t imagine just hinting at someone rather than telling them what is going on. To me it seems needlessly unkind. BUT, for someone who is not as communicative, it’s more about protecting yourself.
I guess my point is that everyone handles emotions and friendships differently. Some people hint and waffle and it’s acceptable to them, and they accept it in their friends/other relationships. Some people are communicative and expect the same courtesy from their friendships. So maybe the answer is know who you are and who your friends are, and spend the most time with people who make you feel good about yourself and accepted.