Issue with a friend

posted 3 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
249 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
@strawberrysakura:  I agree with you that it is different communication styles, however it’s not just about protecting myself. To me, when I give a hint like that it is obvious that something is going on with me and I’m trying to let them down gently. In my mind that is the “polite” thing to do. I don’t want to burden others with my issues. But I can see that to others it may make me look indifferent or aloof. 

Also if I’m having an extremely personal issue, such as abortion complications (example), I may not want to go into it over the phone. 

Post # 17
Member
9549 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
@pinkglitter2017:  

l don’t believe you are being overly sensitive , though yes, perhaps your first response was a little confrontative. But her response was pretty dismissive and basically said that she wouldn’t know if she wanted to see you , though it implied you could simply wait about for her if she did. And that is not pleasant or friendly .

l think she is, as a pp said, not as invested in the friendship as you , always a bot of a painful realisation . If it were me l would let it go in the sense of not being the one to suggest further meetings. If she does,  then see how you feel, but not in the insensitive way she does, just a straightforward ‘ yes that would be nice ‘ or ‘no, l think we have run our course ‘ if you want to be free of this. 
l hope it works out. 

Post # 19
Member
937 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@pinkglitter2017:  

There are two aspects to this, yours and hers, and to me, this is not an either/or. It’s not simple, you’re right and she’s wrong, or she’s right and you’re wrong. To me, it’s nuanced.

I am an introvert and a highly sensitive person, so I regularly need time to myself and regularly need breaks from the world, and I don’t make apologies for that, so it frequently means I can’t see my friends as often as they might like to see me. At the same time, however, I never rub it in their faces; I just gently thank them for the invite and say not today. If I need a more extended time to myself, like if I’m dealing with something or not feeling well, I am upfront about this. I also get back to them at a later stage and pick up the ball and invite them to hang out. I never word it as though I’m thinking only of my convenience and nothing else, which is how your friend worded her response to you. That was not right on her part, and I definitely would have side-eyed and questioned that if a friend had said that to me. You know her better than we do, so you will know if being selfish is something she does regularly, or if it was just a poor choice of words on this one occasion.

The fact that she turned it around on you and said you were trying to “complicate things” when you asked about the impression you were getting was also not good communication on her part. She didn’t want to take responsibility for the impression she had created on you, which was not cool.

That being said, however, you were pushing her when she was clearly withdrawing. Saying that you were getting the feeling she doesn’t want to hang out any more was coming from your own insecurity, which is not a good place to come from. A better approach would be to depersonalise it first. “Is everything ok?” or “Is there something I need to know?” is a good place to start. From there, you can try and clarify your own intentions. “We haven’t had any one-on-one time in a while, and I’ve missed you, so I thought I’d see if you wanted to do something. That’s all.”

From there, you kept pushing her by questioning her plans and what she had said previously, which could make someone feel a bit cornered. This is the type of pressure that can make people back away from a friendship (I know because I have backed away from a friend who was a bit too intense like this myself). If someone is reluctant to make plans after you saying what I suggested above, the best thing to do is leave the ball in their court. “Let me know when you’re free, and we can set something up.” If they don’t get back to you, you have your answer.

My sense is that she is probably backing away from the friendship. Maybe she is not such a great friend to begin with, you alone can judge that. Maybe she just has stuff going on. Personally, I’ve learned to have a lighter touch on friendships. The ones who are worthwhile and will put the effort in do not need to be pushed and prodded like this, and it’s not good to do that to people anyway.

Post # 21
Member
937 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@pinkglitter2017:  

You’re very welcome. Relationships are complex, with a lot of different dynamics going on at once, so it’s always a good idea to “keep your end clean” by communicating effectively and without blame or pressure.

But that being said, I promise you that a good friendship (or any relationship, for that matter) is not one-sided and you will not need to work so hard to get someone to talk to you or spend time with you.

I sympathise because I’m introverted and people’s lives do get so busy, so I know what you mean about friendships being difficult as an adult. Just remember though that that should not tempt you to put up with subpar treatment from a friend. It’s much better to be alone or to have just a couple of good friends than extend yourself for someone who is being dismissive and not valuing you.

Post # 22
Member
2364 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
@pinkglitter2017:  Invest time and effort into the friends that value you as much as you value them. This is clearly mismatched. Your friend is treating you like an acquaintance at best so treat her like so. It doesn’t mean you end the relationship, but you definitely need to readjust it.

Post # 23
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2020

Giving the benefit of the doubt, I was thinking possibly she’s uncomfortable making plans amidst the pandemic? That’s what I took from it when she said it was a personal decision. Either way I don’t think it’s necessarily that she doesn’t want to meet up but more of a let’s see if I’m free closer to the date. Good luck!

Post # 24
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

I do agree the OP sounds insecure in the texts, but I would be hurt/mad if I asked a friend to hang out and they responded like that.  It’s one thing to be like “I have plans with my family this weekend – do you mind if I let you know on Friday?”  I still wouldn’t wait around for that friend, but at least that is more polite than basically saying “eh, i dont care if i see you or not, but if i have nothing better to do maybe”.  I think it’s more about the way the friend worded it.

My personal advice to OP.  I have a flaky friend like this.  She seems to be nicer than your friend, but she only wants to plan things if it’s something 1) convenient to where she lives, 2) an activity she wants to do (she wont just meet up to spend time with her friends, it has to be at a place she likes, etc.) 3) is constantly late or flakes.

I’ve burned too many bridges in my life over people being bad friends but I realized things don’t always need to be that dramatic.  If this person is constantly flaking on you, maybe just pull away a little bit and don’t prioritize her friendship as much in your head.  Let her reach out to you if she wants to, and if she doesn’t then let it fade naturally.  That’s what I’ve done with my friend.  She actually suggested lunch this weekend and I said sure but I’m not putting in the effort of looking for a reservation or making a plan like a normally would because I’ve just stopped caring as much.  Excited to see her, but only give as much energy to a relationship as you are getting.

 

Just my opinion, but I hope that helps.

Post # 25
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

I’m sorry I didn’t see your latest update – just let it go then.  If she reaches out to you in the future, you can decide if you want to respond.  I’m sorry, that hurts 🙁

Post # 26
Member
937 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@megaleg2019:  

I have a friend just like that. She usually makes plans at the last minute, and when she does, she’s nearly always chronically late or postpones or cancels at the last minute (so, maybe worse than your friend then).

I haven’t cut her off either because it’s not necessary, but at the same time, I’ve stopped putting in any effort into the friendship. I let her reach out to me to make plans, and if she’s late, I don’t wait around endlessly like I would have in the past. 15 minutes I give her, then I say “I’m so sorry, but I’ve got something else I need to do.”

In the past I would have reached out to her to invite her to stuff, and waited around until she showed up. And it was hurtful to realise that she was not putting in nearly as much effort as me. Not surprisingly, the friendship has faded significantly, but I’m totally cool with that. It’s growth for me.

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors