Post # 1
Hello bees. I need advice! SO is about to pop the question… ring is purchased and he has some kind of proposal plan, most likely in the next month. I’m so excited to have found the man I want to spend my life with and start planning our wedding. I only have one problem… the bridal party.
We want our sides to be even. He has 5, maybe 6 guys, he wants to ask to be in the wedding. I have 6 girls. Only I’m not sure about one of them. She recently moved quite a distance a way and I never see her anymore. She also recently started a relationship that many of her friends (myself included) feel is unhealthy for her. On the rare occasions when I do see her, her boyfriend is ALL she talks about. I don’t feel like there is much of a friendship there anymore. We have also had our share of issues in the past few years- prolonged arguments over pretty silly things.
My dilemma is this: Do I ask her to be in the wedding to keep the peace? Or do I not and risk her not wanting to come to the wedding at all? We’ve been friends for 11 years. I know if she was getting married and didn’t ask me to be in the wedding, I’d be devastated. But I also feel that I’ve been a better friend to her than she has been to me, in terms of how distant she’s been lately. I’m not the only one in our group of friends who feels this way. And lately is has felt like we are only still friends because of the mutual friends we have.
I don’t want anything to cloud my emotions on our special day. And I know I’d be upset if she wasn’t there. But I’m just not sure I want her standing up at the altar with me.
So, what do you all think? Has antyone else been in a similar situation?
Post # 4
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
Since you aren’t engaged yet, I’d wait and sehere’s she reacts when you get engaged. If she’s really happy for you starred he’s out to you about it and all, then ask her if you want. If she seems kind of whatever or more concerned with her boyfriend, then don’t ask her. Personally, the only time I’d ever be upset about not being in a wedding is if it were with my bestest beastie from forever. I have a few close friends and some have asked and some haven’t. You can’t fit everyone in the wedding party. So there’s really no reason she should feel hostile if you don’t ask her or that you should feel like you have to ask her.
Post # 5
Ugh, I feel you here! I am in a similar situation with a friend that I’ve known for about 6 years. We used to work together and party a little bit back in the day. Since then, I’ve moved on, started a career, became a bit of a homebody (happily). We hang out every 6 months or so. I feel we have gone our separate ways. Ever since I got engaged it has felt weird between us. She cuts me off and changes the subject if I even mention a word about my wedding. She arrived at my engagement party and introduced herself to all of my family as one of my bridesmaids…. UMMMMM NO. I hadn’t even asked anyone to be in the bridal party yet (and 2 of them were in the room at the time)! She then proceded to pin me in a corner and flat out say “so am I going to be one of your bridesmaids or what?”. I was absolutely floored, and I think my mouth was actually hanging open. At the time, I told her that we hadn’t even gotten that far in planning yet and changed the subject. I have been trying to figure out how to break it to her that she will not be in my wedding.
I think that it is your wedding, and if you don’t want her in the party, then don’t. If you truly don’t want to start a fight about it, blame it on keeping the numbers even on both sides (I think that is going to be my excuse). If she freaks out, then let her. That says enough doesn’t it? I would definitely invite her to the wedding, maybe even assign her to a little job (a reading, greeting guests, manning the guest book etc…) to make her feel included without being at the alter with you!
Post # 6
Great suggestion @brenda.m.fields
I agree, if she is super excited, the wedding planning could actually bring you closer. But if you feel like you’ve been drifting for a while, and you honestly can’t see your friendship carrying on in the future, do you really want someone you may lose touch with in your photos.
I was umming and ahhing whether to invite a friend from my past, or someone I’ve recently became friends with. I went for the most recent person, because I truly see us being close many years from now. Our FI’s work together, we live in the same building, and we’ve all grown really close and travelled together. I haven’t regretted it and my old friend didn’t care at all – she still offered to help if I needed her.
Post # 7
At the end of the day, you need to ask yourself what is more important to you. If losing that friendship with that girl seems worth it to you to not ask her, then go with that. But if you think you value your friendship more than you care about who is in the party, then ask her.
Post # 8
@mrsSonthebeach: Thanks, what an excellent idea! I hadn’t even thought of that. Obviously I wouldn’t have been asking anyone until after we are engaged, but I never thought of using her reaction as a factor in choosing whether or not to ask her to be in the wedding. I think you found my solution! Thank you 🙂
@YogiMere: Glad to know I’m not the only one in this predicament. And you’re right- it ultimately has to be my decision. Best of luck with your situation too!
@MissKayEss: Thank you for adding your own experience. I think it will say a lot about what kind of friend she is if she understands why I didn’t ask her to be in the wedding, if that ends up being my decision.
@nikole.powell.np: Thank you for the advice. Its something I really need to think about. Hopefully I’ll be back in a month or so and I’ll update you ladies! Thanks all!
Post # 9
Personally I wouldn’t choose her, since you seem to be drifting apart. I think you can also give her a reason for not asking, so this doesn’t have to be a friendship ending move. I mean, you probably have other friends who won’t be BMs, right? So why should she expect it?
Post # 10
I agree that all of your friends cannot be in the wedding party.It probably won’t end up being a big deal to her as long as she is invited.I enjoy going to weddings but not being a bridesmaid.It is expensive and I don’t like having to walk down the aisle or stand up front during the wedding.lol.Enjoy your engagement and don’t stress over something that may not even be an issue.