Post # 1
I have an issue with my friend’s boyfriend. He’s rude, disrespectful and racist. They have been dating for just over a year and in that time he has made some of the most disgraceful comments I have ever heard. He loves to make fun at my boyfriend’s race (Caribbean) and says he can because he’s Jewish (makes no sense). I have kept my distance from my friend and her boyfriend for the past 6 months. We have not really talked or communicated at all. She is starting to change herself into a different woman with a lot more attitude. She even went so far by saying that she liked my finance and is glad to have a “Token” friend in the group. What?
Her ‘character’ boyfriend is banned from our common friend’s house and social gatherings. None of her friends like him. Her best friend and roommate moved out because of him and no one really invites her anywhere because of him.
However, she doesn’t see it. She doesn’t think anything is different between us. My issue is that I am currently doing my invitations and I am not inviting him to my wedding. I will not allow him to sit there and insult my finance’s culture. I am actually more afraid of one of the groomsmen getting arrested after he says something ridiculous about the colour of their skin and they beat him up. Am I out of line??
The last wedding he was not invited to was his best friend’s sister wedding. He begged to go because all of his other friends were going. He even brought my friend as his date. They had a great time and drank the bar dry. A couple days later, the bride’s father called to ask where his card and/or gift were as he did not bring one on the night of the Wedding. The creep said that he shouldn’t have to give a gift – a wedding was a social activity. Besides, the bar ran out of booze and the food was mediocre. He later went to the dollar store and purchased a card for them for $0.99 and sent that to them empty. Class act…
I do not want that type of ignorance to ruin our day. I know etiquette says that I am supposed to invite him as they have been dating over a year, however he is too repulsive. I know it is going to lead to a fight with my friend, but she is not the same friend I had a year ago. Would you invite someone like him to your wedding?
Post # 3
After everything you described, I honestly could not do it. But I think if you go that route, you might have to expect some fallout with your friend. Otherwise, you’re stuck… But wow, I really couldn’t deal with such a mean, uncouth person.
Post # 4
Acutally you are not required to invite him because they have dated for over year. We only invited couples who are engaged or married, which is perfectly acceptable. BUT.. you have to make it a blanket rule. If you are giving other single (unmarried) friends a plus one than your friend should get one too. But honestly… it sounds like you don’t like the person she has become either. Do you really even want HER at your wedding?
Post # 5
I wouldn’t. They aren’t married, or even engaged. And screw etiquette, he has repeatedly insulted the man you’re going to marry. I would never invite the creep. And honestly, if your friend finds it more important to have him at your wedding than to attend your wedding, she isn’t much of a friend either. Maybe she’ll figure out what a loser he is before the wedding….
Post # 6
This dude is for real. I wouldn’t invite and I would also reconsider my friendship w homegirl. Ignorance loves company.
Post # 7
I think since your friend and him have been in a serious relationship for over a year, it would be disrespectful to your friend not to invite him, if you are inviting her. Personally, it doesn’t seem like she is really your friend anymore, so I would just not invite either one of them. As for the gift, gifts are not required and the bride’s father had no business to call him on it.
Post # 8
i think you may have to if you still want her as your friend…it’s a tough situation. Just make sure if you do invite them both to sit them as far away from you as possible.
Post # 9
Since you call him a “boyfriend” and say they are “dating”, then I presume they aren’t living together. In that case you should invite him — if you choose to do so — in the same way that you would invite any other single: by an invitation in his own name to his own address. And by doing so, you are “vouching” for him to all of your other guests, who are trusting you as hostess to maintain the “tone” of the gathering.
I hope that answers your question. To be clear: traditional “proper” etiquette does NOT require you to invite boyfriends, and it DOES require you to restrict your guestlist to decent people whom you know personally.
Now if the two are married (and etiquette coyly assumes that anyone living together is secretly married), or if they are engaged, then you do have a problem. Etiquette requires that you invite BOTH members of a married or engaged couple, or neither. With this person, I’m afraid I would have to forego the pleasure of your friend’s company, rather than inflict someone boorish on my friends.
But, if you do choose to invite him, please ask your father to refrain from calling up and asking where your graft is. This person comes off cheap and rude in the scenario you recount, but the bride’s father comes off as common and greedy.
Post # 10
You could always have him quietly removed from your wedding and reception if you feel the need.
Post # 11
I would never invite someone to my wedding who was disrespectful to my soon to be husband. You are going to be his wife and it is your place to stand up for him no matter who you’re standing against. As other posters have said, if your friend can’t accept this then I would not invite her either. And the fact that she has made racial comments by calling your Fiance “Token” is reason enough to scratch her off the guest list AND the friends list in my opinion.
Post # 12
I think you have to invite him, unless you are ready to give her up as a friend 100%. If you are ready to dissolve your friendship with her, then you don’t need to invite either of them. I think for your friend’s sake, it would probably hurt less if you invited neither of them, than just invited her without her boyfriend.
Post # 13
No, you don’t need to invite him. You also don’t need to invite her, especially as you’ve grown apart.
Post # 15
@aspasia475: Miss Manners? Is that you?? Hilarious, your writing tone is exactly like hers in her columns!! But to stay on topic, yes, I agree, and I promote your comment!
Post # 16
If you make it a blanket rule that you are only inviting married or engaged couples, and no one else gets a plus one, then you can get away with not inviting him. Otherwise, I think you have to invite him. It doesn’t sound like this girl is really your friend any more. It would make it a lot easier to exclude them both.
Did he do or say anythingt offensive at your friend’s wedding?
I always give gift to the couples, but they actually are not required. On two occassions, I have actually sent a card with a check after the wedding. Honestly, if someone’s father called me out on why I didn’t give them a gift… well, let’s just say that I would give them worse than what your friend’s boyfriend did.