Post # 1
Member
659 posts
Busy bee
My sister in la got engaged about a month after my husband and I did this past late summer/early fall (I think – it was close to ours) and my husband was very open about when his scheduled deployment to Afghanistan was…which is why our wedding was scheduled for when it was to ensure it wouldn’t be moved by his schedule shifting and all that. She has known all along.
When asked about the date, his sister kept saying they weren’t sure, there was no rush because they’ve been together so long and are busy, but my husband wanted to know for his own info to ensure his unit would know if/when he might need off for the wedding.
Well, we have the date – a WEEK BEFORE he is scheduled to deploy. We have the location – about an 70-80 minutes from Boston. They have a house on the water they rented and are having it there. It’s a Sunday night far away from an airport, making it – in my opinion – VERY difficult for my husband to get there. It is not at the time of his pre-deployment leave, it is a Sunday night when odds are, a week-10 days out, he’ll have to be at Monday morning muster like every other Marine.
This is all so frustrating for me. To be fair, if he doesn’t go it means I don’t have to go (yay) and if he goes and I end up having to go, at least I get to see him. But she spent time thinking about a date that would be easier for him to attend and came up with a Sunday night 7-10 days out from his deployment.
I seem to be the only on that finds this exceptionally selfish. I’ve heard, “it’s the only time they could rent the house” to nothing at all. No one in the family is saying what needs to be said – odds are, her brother won’t be able to attend even though she spent time trying to pick a date he could make. To me, if she was in no rush, she should have waited until he had his return date and gone from there. I personally don’t care because if I can get out of going you won’t hear me complain, but I feel bad for my husband who obviously wants to be at his sister’s wedding but now has extra pressure in terms of making it and pleasing his command.
Seriously, am I nuts?
Post # 3
Member
10288 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
“To me, if she was in no rush, she should have waited until he had his return date and gone from there.” – Would you have wanted to wait to get married if the roles were reversed?
I actually think it was very nice of her to plan her wedding around your husband. If that Sunday was truly the only time that they could rent the house then what were they to do? Change venues because it would be inconveinant for one person?
From the sounds of it you don’t want to go to this wedding regardless so I guess I don’t see why it’s such a huge deal.
Post # 3
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
I can relate. Kind of. I am the one that is in the sister’s shoes. My brother is in the Army and has been home from Iraq since August. With us getting married in March, there is a chance that he will be deployed right around then, possibly to Afghanistan or to Korea again. If I knew for sure when my brother was going to be deployed, I would probably try to set my date before it, but then again, I have been with Fiance for almost 7 years, so we are in kind of a hurry to get married.
Military life is so difficult. I’m my brother’s best friend and I talk to him constantly, and I still don’t fully understand everything that goes on with deployments and work, and leaves. It’s all so confusing for a civilian like me. I would cut her a little slack because she probably doesn’t understand all of the pre-deployment stress. She might think that it’s like a job when you travel, you don’t have stuff to do until like the night before. The military is completely different, maybe she just doesn’t realize it. I know you understand the implications of deployment, but she might not. I’m just trying to give you a little insight as to what she might be thinking, but I don’t know her. 🙂
Post # 4
Member
7416 posts
Busy Beekeeper
So she should schedule her wedding when you husband comes back? Umm I think thats selfish of you to be honest, especially since it seems like you don’t care for her much. As the OP said, she’s probably isn’t aware of the details that go into your husbands committment. Cut her some slack.
Post # 5
Member
2522 posts
Sugar bee
I have a future BIL who is currently deployed. There is no way that my Fiance and I would schedule our wedding around his deployment. I’m sorry, but it’s a unfortunate sacrifice of being in the military. I hope that you grow to understand her point of view and I’m sorry your spouse is deploying, it’s rough. Best of luck!
Post # 6
Member
3639 posts
Sugar bee
I think you need to consider ALL the people she is trying to work around. Not only her brother but her FI’s family as well. Put into the equation: Money (some dates are cheaper than others, obviously Sunday is cheaper), available dates, not wanting a super long engagement, possibly older family members etc etc
She did her best considering all of this, it’s actually before he deploys! At least he has a chance of going.
Please try and see it from her side, with all the things she has to juggle and all the people that date has to please, at least he’s in the country.
Post # 7
Member
659 posts
Busy bee
Yes, I know it’s difficult to plan a wedding and yes, if I couldn’t have fit my wedding in to a time when it was a sure thing that my husband could make then I would schedule mine around his deployment and if I did not have a date but was scheduling it around someone’s ability to make it then I would have picked a date they could make.
I understand wanting a wedding at a specific time or place (IE I wanted Vegas but was specifically told by my husband that his mom and sister would find it tacky, so at an increased expense, it was obviously not in Vegas). Just don’t pretend you’re planning around a deployment when your brother told you he’d be leaving within a two week window and you pick the early part of that.
But yes – it’s her wedding and you are very right, I don’t want to go, so maybe it’ll work out in my favor which would be horrible for my husband but in the end she knew it was a very real possibility.
If anyone is in the same position, just don’t say “we’re trying to plan it around your deployment” then not take the advice of the person leaving/arriving. Just say “this is when we want it, hopefully it’ll work out that you can make it”. It’s far more realistic and less fake.
Post # 8
Member
3639 posts
Sugar bee
@jindc: I don’t understand, they DID plan it around the deployment. He IS in the country. :S Granted it’s not the perfect time, but they planned it around the deployment as best they could. It happens to be on a Sunday, I’m sure many other people will struggle with the whole “work on Monday” thing, not just your husband.
Post # 9
Member
7416 posts
Busy Beekeeper
OP I’m confused….what would have made you comfortable 30-45 days from before he leaves.. rather than 7? What did you expect from her? Like the previous poster said, its not JUST about your husbands time, she has probably had other peoples dates/times to consider as well. But she did the best that she could considering his time. If this is any indication of the Future Sister-In-Law your gonna be, I feel kinda bad for her.
You don’t even want to freaking go but you unhappy about her day. Wow. Just goes to prove yet again, brides can never make anyone happy…in this business of planning weddings. someone will always be ready to rake you over the coals.
Post # 10
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
I think you’re taking this the wrong way. My husband deploys every year for 4-8 months- if his sister were to get married a week before deployment, I wouldn’t mind. It’s her wedding- she can get married when she wants, where she wants. Plus, she technically did plan it around his deployment. He can attend. Is the travel a bit of a pain? I guess, but it might turn into a fun trip. Plus, it will give him an opportunity to see his family before leaving. We’d head home right after the wedding so we could have a couple of days alone.
Post # 11
Member
1766 posts
Buzzing bee
Is this your husband’s first deployment? Because his departure date will most likely change twelve times from now, and so will his return date. When Darling Husband deployed, first they said January, then April, and he finally left in March. Coming back it was maybe November, could be as late as June though. He came home in March as well. He knew his exact return date when he was leaving for the airport to come home. So you can see how it would drive his sister insane trying to plan her wedding around his deployment.
Post # 12
Member
13099 posts
Honey Beekeeper
I think his siter is being completely reasonable. She set her date for a time that he is still in the country and could therefore hopefully attend. What more can you ask for?? (and it is insane to expect them to wait until he returns from deployment to have a wedding).
Plus, his deployment date isn’t set in stone – it can still change, potentially multiple times. His sister seems to be doing to absolute best possible considering the circumstances.
Besides, you seem to hate her anyway and have no desire to go to the wedding. So why do you really care when she has it.
Post # 13
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
This woman will be family when you marry your fiance. Are you really going to try to “get out” of attending her wedding if he’s not there? I think that is really selfish, honestly.
Post # 14
Member
659 posts
Busy bee
She, she’s doing it before he deploys but she asked for a window, he gave her a good one that he’d be certain of and we’re way outside that.
And no, this is not my husband’s first deployment – this is the date on his orders and last time they did not change. He’s a reservist, so his travel is pretty set once he’s given it (or has been for all travel deployment and non-deployment related). We’ve been lucky so far. The only dates that have ever changed are when he comes home (which is a different location than where he deploys from/redeploys to).
I don’t hate her (I’m indifferent, and I don’t believe that marrying someone makes their family mine, I’m sorry if that’s not like many of you) but I think assuming people want to take time off work for your wedding, or asking for a window that would be best for a person you REALLY want there then not using that advice, is asking for conflict that will ultimately upset the bride/groom and the person that wanted to attend.
And I’m not going to ‘get out’ of going if my husband cannot attend. It’s a matter of which is more important – attending a wedding or seeing my husband off when he deploys. Seeing as how I only have a few days of vacation a year, my time is better served seeing my husband off (which if you have a military spouse, you know is important) than attending a wedding. When you don’t have unlimited free time and have responsibilities at home, those are the sacrifices you have to make. Time off work is a luxury (especially to someone who hasn’t had a vacation in 6 years:) ) so unfortunately, if I have a choice in how I use it, I’d rather say goodbye to my husband.
Post # 15
Member
2522 posts
Sugar bee
So now I understand. You’re angry because you don’t have enough vacation time to do both?
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