- 3 years ago
Hey Bees-I’ve been stalking the boards for a while. You all seem to have such great adivce so here it goes!
My long term boyfriend and I have been dating 5 years, and have lived together for 4 of them. We make great roommates as well as partners, rarely argue, our friends and family all get along, I couldn’t ask for better!
Three years into our relationship a friend of mine was going through the issue I am in now. Her SO told her he didnt want to get married, and she did, and I half jokingly told my boyfriend that if he didn’t want to marry me he better tell me then so we don’t go 4 or 5 years down the road and end up in the same spot. He got quiet. Conversation got awkward. I was caught off guard. We dropped the topic.
I was so confident in our relationship and that we would spend the rest of our lives together, I had never given it a second thought. But suddenly I was questioning our future together.
I tried to bring up the topic of marriage further over the course of year to get better clarity on his feelings and each time he would shut down. Trying to get him to talk about anything marriage related was like trying to pull teeth! I kept springing the topic at random times, hoping more exposure would normalize the conversation, or perhaps catch him off guard.
Eventually I couldn’t stand it anymore- I cornered him and MADE him answer the question: did he not want to get married at all? Or did he not want to marry ME?
He couldn’t answer the question, so I took it as a no. Within a week I found and apartment, and another week later moved out, all admidst his confessions of undying love, begging me to stay, and equal ugly crying of giant man tears. He completely broke down. On the day my dad helped me move out the last of my furniture he confesssed he DID want to marry me! But still, no ring.
He suggested couples counseling. I was hesitant but he offered to pay so I figured why not. We made SO MUCH progress! I always knew his parents had a bad divorce but didn’t know the full extent of the games and ugliness they had put him and his younger siblings through for 10 years until the divorce was finalized. I understood why he was terrified of the idea, but by the end of our sessions he was able to be open to the idea of getting married, and we happily restarted planning our lives together. I moved back in.
All that drama was last summer. And here I am a year later STILL waiting. I feel like an idiot! I’m at the end of my rope. I love him so so much but the emotional turmoil of not knowing is ruining me. I issued the ultimatium (which seems to get mixed reviews on these boards). I need an answer- whether that be a yes or no by 2018, and no answer counts as no.
I’m trying to relax and find solace that by next year I’ll know my answer, but all of this has put a bad taste in mouth. I feel like even if he does propose is it because I made him? Do I even want to get married to someone I have to try so hard to convince to spend the rest of their life with me? Is this all a sign telling me this isn’t meant to be?
I’m going crazy girls. Was it this hard for anyone else?! How did it turn out?