Post # 1
I’m not quite sure how to handle my next flight(s) home to see my family – which usually will be somewhere near the holidays.
I’ve been flying home 2-4 times a year to see my family for the last THIRTEEN years. I left home in 1999 so I always have returned to the circle. They have each visited me 1-2 times.
My family was not able to come to a wedding in my state. I told them I was paying for the rental house and bringing all the food in, plus lining up a shuttle from the airport, they just needed to fly in for a weekend – and it was not manageable to them. They told me all up front that they could not make it (various excuses), so I just did not go through with plans to have it here. We went out of country and eloped instead.
This was the second time I got married, and they did not see me get married the first time either. How messed up is that??? I was feeling really crappy about it, but thankfully we had an awesome incredible wedding day that make up for it.
So now I’m just not sure what to do for the holidays this year. I really feel like making up some excuse: I’m scared to fly now! I don’t think I have enough vacation days! I have no money left! [and then go buy something really expensive]. That’s not mature I know – but I FEEL like saying that. My mom is telling my sisters, “That’s the last time we’ll ever see Sienna! She was only flying home to see dad. She’s never coming back.” My dad died in June. WTF? This is her reaction when I shared my disappointment with them about not coming to my wedding? It makes me so mad she is saying this to people!
I’m reading a book on anger right now (The Dance of Anger) and just trying to figure out for how I should be handling this. It says my mom’s comments are part of the cycle – it’s predictable. But should I act like it’s all back to normal now and visit like normal? Let them know I’m still working on getting over it? Not sure that would do any good.
I did share at one point that I was disappointed that they couldn’t come yet again. I kind of aired it all out. I think they feel things are back to normal now – we talk on the phone like normal. However, I guess I still have a little anger in the background – enough to make me reassess about my future flights home. I don’t walk around with anger, it doesn’t ruin my day or anything.
H has no interest in going home with me next time. I have more obligation to them than he does.
Post # 3
Sorry to hear that your family was unable to attend your wedding.I know that was hard for you to not have them there. Most of us have moms that say annoying things.Just ignore her.lol.Only visit when you truly want to,or perhaps you could send for your mom so that she could visit you.
Post # 4
@kellmerr: My mom went on and on about how she couldn’t come to the wedding, she couldn’t fly, she couldn’t even talk about flying over the phone, hung up on me once due to anxiety, yadda yadda. Then I hear from my sisters she’s saying crap like, “What’s the big deal anyway? Why do I even have to go to this wedding?” I don’t know how much anxiety it truly was. But then…
After we moved it out of the country, she actually asks me on the phone, “Can I still come out for my vacation next month?”
WTF? She couldn’t come the month prior for a wedding/weekend vacation (that I paid for!), but she’s able to come the next month for a vacation? I am most mad at her. I don’t want her at my house really.
I feel she avoided my wedding like the plague. She’s weird with weddings.
Post # 5
I think if you don’t want to go, you shouldn’t go. There will be other holidays, and maybe you will feel differently then.
Post # 6
Maybe you could take a break from visitng this year. I would be very hurt as well. My sister pulled the same thing on me. She knew about my wedding for months, came to visit us two months before the wedding and then two months later claims she didnt have money. Why didnt she wait two months to come visit when she knew my wedding was around the corner.
I have reach out many times and I finally gave up. No reason to even try because it takes two to make it work. I am sorry sweeetie. If I were you, I would stay home and just enjoy the holidays in my own home.
Post # 7
Whenever I do visit next – it will be the first visit without dad alive – so kind of weird. I almost feel like I have to be there for the holidays because it’s my mom’s first Christmas alone in an empty house.
I’m torn between my obligations and my feelings. I’ve never NOT gone home for the around Christmas time. It was part of my twice a year minimum quota of flying home.
I’m scared to break the routine I’ve made.
Mrs.Jansen yeah similar bullcrap!
Post # 8
Honestly, I would take a break from visiting this year, they obviously mean more to you then you do to them. Sounds like they take for granted the frequency of your visits, and they need to realize that it has to work both ways.
Post # 9
As many of the other bees said, I would take a break from visiting this holiday season….
Post # 10
This situation sucks, and I’m sorry you’re going thru this. They sound a little like my mom’s family, out of sight out of mind…. and they make no real effort to keep you in mind. I’m not sure what you get out of the visits home. Do you enjoy your family in general or is this complete obligation? If it’s the later than maybe take a break for a while and spend the money on a great trip for Darling Husband & you. I know it was complete obligation for my mother to go visit her family and once we were teenagers and involved in sports, she used that as the excuse to not go home.
Post # 11
I think you need a break from visiting. If you’re worried about your mom (or what she’ll say to people) and would be comfortable offering, you could suggest that she visit YOU for the holidays. Then if she says no, at least you offered.
Post # 12
@Jijitattoo: I don’t want my mom at my house honestly. Plus she doesn’t fly past October. Her rule.
Post # 13
“Hi Mom, just wanted to let you know that your gifts are in the mail. Hubs and I are looking forward to spending some quality time alone together and really enjoying our first holidays together so we won’t be able to make it. After the wedding and everything this year we really need a break and the down time, I’m sure you understand. Hope you enjoy what we sent and we’re looking forward to being able to visit later in the year.”
Post # 14
We are in a similar situation- we’ve been flying back home to GA from CA at least once a year, sometimes twice, for the past 4+ years. Each trip is around $3,000 and we haven’t been on a single REAL vacation just us two. And lets face it for $3,000 we could go on an AWESOME vacation! After the 4th time round the cycle I gave up & said that we are not going back home for a few years (we need to save, we want a real vacation, it’s too expensive, too much hassle) and if people wanted to see us they needed to spend their money & come out to us. My family reacted well, they said it was understandable & a huge expense for us two, however his family got all up in arms about it. Fast forward a year later & no visits back home, they got the picture & have since ALL took the time to come out & see us at our home.
I think if you don’t want to go home then you shouldn’t. They may make a big deal out of it but will eventually get the picture & realize how one-sided it has been in the past & hopefully step up to the plate.
Post # 15
What I think it boils down to is if it would be more fun to be there or be in Utah. I’ve been stalking you for the last 15 minutes (because your elopment sounded awesome!), and read this post, and it sounds like escaping the drama for a bit would be a nice break. Were I you, I would visit after I had cooled down some more. Nothing like simmering frustration to ruin a holiday weekend. If you go, don’t sleep wherever she is, so that you don’t have to listen to her the whole time and you can leave when it gets to be too much. If you decide to stay, I’d make a point of planning out fun things to do in your area so you have something to A- Look forward to, and B- Distract you.
Post # 16
I would go, just because it is the first holiday without your dad, and I think it would be good for you to go. I know how I felt when I lost close relatives I didn’t really want to go home but I did and it was good. It was terribly sad but I think it helped alot. And after that, I’d take a break maybe.