(Closed) Issues in sex life with FI…again

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
979 posts
Busy bee

Have you considered spicing things up a bit in the bedroom? Suggest the use of toys? Go to the adult store and go shopping together. Record yourselves having sex with each other.  He’ll have it on his phone. He’ll watch that instead of porn. Record yourself pleasuring yourself and text it to him. He’ll have that instead of porn.  He’ll get turned on and want to have sex with you.  Pics, videos, (alone and together). It works, for us it does. We love it.  Just a suggestion though. 

Post # 4
9953 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Jacqui90:  ((HUGS))  I’m so sorry you’re hurting right now and having to deal with this.

But I think the fact he said he wants to help your relationship by giving up watching porn altogether is a good sign, really.

Keep in mind there are two issues here.  One issue is his lack of initiative when it comes to sex with you.  You hit the nail on the head when you stated that it’s “easier” for him to get off with porn.  But masturbation is one thing and making love with the woman he loves is an entirely different matter. 

I think he instinctively knows that if he curtails the masturbation it will boost his energy level and sex drive (being a young guy it’s a physical thing) and he can purposely use that build-up of sexual tension to fuel his desire to have sex with you. 

I have a feeling his lack of sex drive and initiative isn’t anything at all to do with any kind of lack of love for you.  I feel it’s probably related to stress, possibly some underlying health issue or simply the masturbation to porn takes the edge off and his energy level drops back down.

Give his idea a chance.  It doesn’t mean either of you have to give up porn forever, but be each other’s “porn stars” for a little while and see if it helps improve your sex life.

Post # 5
2783 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t want to get too Too Much Information here, but when you “initiaite”…how do you initiate? My Darling Husband doesn’t go for stuff like “come to bed”….but if I start being physical, he’s all over it. I, on the other hand, totally get into it just from talking about it. That has been a HUGE learning for us, and has really helped our sex life.

Maybe he goes for porn because it’s just easier? If that’s the case, maybe you need to talk to him about what turns him on, and make it “easier”?

I’m sorry, I totally get what you’re saying and why that would hurt.

Post # 6
7526 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Has he always had a low sex drive when it comes to the two of you- or is that recent?  Thanks for being brave and not going anon!

Post # 7
4439 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@Jacqui90:  Let him stop and see how things go!  I don’t understand how him saying he’d stop hurt you, no offense meant but yes, it does seem strange to me.  Can you elaborate?

Post # 8
155 posts
Blushing bee

Thank you for this post!! I don’t have any advice, but have a somewhat similar problem and want to see the advice of the other bees. Also, as PP have said, Thank you for being brave about this and not going anon. It’s nice to know that other bees have problems in their relationships and can come here to talk about them without having to maintain the “happy” profile by going anon.

Post # 10
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Is it possible he’s addicted to it? Or dependent? The fact that he gets off tells me he has a sex drive and desires release. 

Could it be intimacy challenges? Intimacy isn’t necessarily sex. How long have you even together? Married or engaged? Sometimes when people are afraid of being abandoned they clam up & withdraw. They retreat. 

Post # 12
816 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

My Fiance had a major issue with porn when we first got together. It actually escalated into basically a full-blown sexual addiction/compulsion. He would wait until I left the apartment in the morning and then immediately surf porn sites for hours. He also did some surfing on CL and other sex sites, never meeting up with people but having fantasies about it. He said it got to a point where he would think about sex for hours upon hours, and it was regular for him to request sex with me at least 3-4 times per day. Now, I’m not saying that to scare you, because I DO NOT KNOW your Fiance and I have no reason to believe he is like this. My Fiance has gotten healthier after a combo of therapy and complete erradication of sexual activity that doesn’t involve me. The part that worries me is that your Fiance seems to believe the only way he can resume your sex life is by completely cutting out porn. I just think it’s something worth looking into. 

Post # 13
1281 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Jacqui90:  I love @jmaze:  ‘s advice.  I’m in the same camp you are.  I have no problems with porn but I have a pretty high sex drive.  I would be real upset if Fiance turned me down and then I found out he jerked off.

I know it’s unreasonable and unhealthy to ask him to stop so we made a video and if he gets the urge when I’m not around, then he uses that.  (Or I can pretend he uses that.)  Most of the time I would still have liked to have had sex with him, but hearing that he used our video makes me feel like a rock-star.  



Post # 14
9953 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Jacqui90:  I understand what you’re saying that erotica and porn increase your desire for him but porn is just a way for him to get off.  But that is a pretty common issue and it’s a male/female difference, not right or wrong.  Neither of you is in the wrong here.  But for men sex can be more of a physical release and stress reliever, while women tend to have sex as much for the closeness and emotional connection as the physical pleasure of it.

Both of you are normal, in that case.  Understand that generally speaking men and women can be slightly different in that way and it’s just a matter of learning to understand where the other person is coming from.

Try talking with him and let him know your feelings but take time to listen to his feelings, too.  The last thing any man wants to do is ever disappoint his woman sexually.  He needs to feel that he is pleasing you and that will be the best ego boost for him ever. 

But essentially he’s being lazy and making you do all the work in your sexual relationship and that, of course, isn’t fair to you.  Point that out in a kind, respectful and gentle way, lol.  🙂  And remember, he loves you and wants to make you happy, so keep talking to him until he better learns how to do so.

Post # 15
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2017

@Coral99:  Sometimes when people are afraid of being abandoned they clam up & withdraw. They retreat. 

This is completely true. OP, I have a very similar position, except I am the one who watches the porn and I have a hard time having sex with my SO. My reason is exactly what lichtetheway states above. If this continues to be an issue, talk with him about the deeper issues; I’ve been in therapy since November and it has helped tremendously, but my personal issue with engaging in sex was the fear of future abandonment. I know a lot of guys don’t care for the idea of therapy, but if you suspect he might have a similar issue, encourage him to see a professional to ease his worries! They should help restore his confidence for the future and himself.

The topic ‘Issues in sex life with FI…again’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors