(Closed) Issues surrounding SO asking parents' blessing/permission

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
634 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Creiddylad:  It went smoothly.  My parents love him!

Post # 4
Member
3969 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Creiddylad:  Lol. My mom was the one that was like, is this show getting on the road soon or what? Lol. WHen he did talk to them (out of respect, not permission) I had a gut feeling he did it when he did (he was visiting and that doesnt’ happen often) plus the next day when he was out of the house my mom spilled the beans haha

Post # 5
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Creiddylad:  My FI did not end up asking for a blessing/permission, although I know he considered it. My brother-in-law did ask for my sister’s “hand,” though, although I’m not sure if my parents expected it. 

My FI is not the same religion as my family, so this has caused a little bit of controversy, just as background. When we announced our engagement, the reaction was stunned silence… even though we’ve been together for over 2 years, and he has met my family on several occasions, and spent last Christmas back home with me…maybe it’s a similar sort of situation?

My recommendation is, if your parents/SO have not gotten along in the past, it might be better to phrase it as asking for a “blessing” rather than “permission,” because I have a feeling my parents would have pushed my FI to wait…(and that would have killed me). On the other hand, I do kind of wish my parents weren’t so caught off guard…it was a very awkward telephone call, with some hurtful things said. 

So, that’s not really exactly what you’re looking for, but I hope it helps. It’s a sad place to be in, wanting to much to commit to someone for the rest of your lives, but knowing that the people who are supposed to want good things for you aren’t totally behind it.

Good luck!!!

Post # 6
Member
3645 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Not all people have their SO talk to their parents alone. Would your SO be happy with you BOTH talking to your parents, explaining your intentions to marry etc and asking for their blessing together? And then perhaps you leaving your SO to officially ask for their blessing on his own? Tell them when he plans on doing it (if he wants them to know). You could do this months in advance so that it the actual proposal is still a surprise. 

That might help to smooth things over a bit, your SO would have your support and your parents would have a harder time objecting given that you are there and have already told them your intentions as a couple.

I DO think that not asking could make things worse later, so think of it as another hurdle to clear on the path to a good relationship as a couple, with your parents. It’s important to value culture and traditions on both sides and this is your way of giving a nod to what they hold important, hopefully in the future they can show the same courtesy to your SO and his family.

 

Post # 7
Member
4047 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Why don’t you talk to your dad now, and mention that you may be getting engaged, and that you don’t like this tradition and are not going to follow it. If he knows that you are the one who wants to skip it, he will probably be more accepting than if it seems your SO is the one to forgo it. 

I don’t think you need it, but if you want to be respectful, perhaps you should talk to your dad and set the expectation that a proposal is your business, and he will not be asked. Then give him some time to come around to the idea that he is not being asked.

Post # 8
Member
4607 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I was going to suggest what Tickles said; both of you sitting down with your parents and talking about it. 

 

My FH wanted to ask permission from my family, but I didn’t want him to. I’ve never been big on that tradition, but I understood why he felt he should ask. I knew that it wouldn’t have gone over well if he had asked them at the time that we got engaged. My parents didn’t like him at all, and have only in the last year started warming up to him. 

 

Post # 9
Member
3281 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

My parents love him and my dad was his football couch, talk about intimidating! I am very much in favor of the tradition ad my parents would have been very upset and disrespected if he had not asked. My dad asked that the wedding but after my college graduating which we planned on anyway so it all went smooth! I knew he was planning to ask but had no idea when he did until he proposed

Post # 10
Member
2809 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

i didn’t care if he did or didn’t. i think i asked him not to, because i’m not property to be given away. i was 26 years old, i was an adult, getting married was my decision. i’m pretty sure my dad didn’t care that my FI didn’t ask… but, my grandfather, even today, a year after i got engaged, is still angry that my FI didn’t ask my dad’s permission. i don’t think he’ll ever get over it.

Post # 13
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I told my husband before we got engaged that I thought the tradition was sexist, my dad wouldn’t care, and to skip it because I didn’t like the idea. He did it anyway because he didn’t want to risk pissing my dad off, which I understand except for the bit about how really my dad doesn’t care (at that time, my husband didn’t know my dad well enough to know that, though).

Anyway I thought he wasn’t going to do it. The night before we went on our first vacation together though when we were over at my parents’ house, he and my dad went in the other room and when my mom and I came in several minutes later there was really super awkward silence. I just figured it’s because my dad was glued to his ipad. Turns out, that was when my husband had asked for my hand or whatever. He won’t share what my dad said – apparently it is “secret man stuff.” My dad had been convinced I was totally in love with my husband since our second date, and had been advocating for marriage since our third (and around that time started frequently saying that if I wouldn’t marry him, my dad would), so I’m sure my dad enthusiastically threw me at him. (And it’s not like it was unexpected since my parents had known for over a month that we’d bought an engagement ring together.)

Post # 14
Member
2485 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I knew it was going to happen because we were at my parents one day and I was just entering a room when I heard my dad and (then) boyfriend talking about meeting up!

 

i found out afterwards that he had done it because he told me!

Post # 15
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I knew it was going to happen because we had to travel to do it – and on that same trip we were booking the venue and dress shopping. Ha. (We don’t have a ring yet, we’re waiting till after I meet his out of country parents and he has the talk with THEM this fall)

Basically they played a round of golf and just discussed his intentions. They both came back in a good mood so I knew it went well. Meanwhile I was buying my wedding dress. Ooops. My parents already knew, we’d told them on the phone but he still wanted to have the man to man talk thing. 

He didn’t ask permission, he just discussed marriage with my dad and he said my dad gave him tons of great advice. He told me how it went afterwards, and then my mom told me how it went from my dads perspective. It was fun and exciting. I don’t think they would have told me if there was a complete surprise proposal thing going on, but there isn’t.

The day after, we put money down on the venue. It was an all business trip!

Post # 16
Member
2609 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Creiddylad:  I think the asking for the father’s permission/blessing is fine for people who want to do it but I do feel its rather silly and just a bit late when a couple has already been living together, but, whatever. 

Nevertheless, the situation you describe rubs me the wrong way since you indicate your father may very well make this a confrontation or a problem or conditional?

In that case, then frankly, I think you and yourr SO should blow him off and NOT talk to him first.  Why put yourselves through that? 

The fact is, you and your SO are adults.  If the two of you have decided to marry, what he thinks is irrelevant.  If your father wants your SO to ask as a sign of respect, then he needs to be respectful as well – of your SO, of the both of you as adults and of you as a grown, independent woman. 

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