- 2 weeks ago
- Wedding: City, State
I have two best “adulthood” friends. We met about 4 years ago and clicked right away. We have a lot in common, and we’re all different enough that we each bring something to the table in our friendship.
That being said… the most extroverted of us (we will call her E) has the largest friend group, which is not surprising. She seems to think that all of her friends, from every stage of her life, should all get along and be friends with each other. For the most part, I’m happy to spend time with most of them (one childhood friend, two college friends, one adulthood friend). Two of her childhood friends, though… I don’t know how to say it any better than: they’re not the type of people I would choose to spend time with on my own, for any reason. Both are racist, judgmental, in bad marriages where their husbands are racist/cheaters/abusive, and in general, these women are just hard to be around. E has been friends with them since preschool, so bringing this up to her won’t do any good, but I personally cannot handle them.
Here’s the actual problem: to E, the more the merrier. When we get together in our friend trio, where we have tons in common and click well, she will invariably try to invite someone else along.
Examples: She invited a person I like well enough (but had not personally invited) to Friendsgiving at my house. My house. Did not ask. “Oh, so and so said she’s coming too!” At that point, I’d be an asshole to uninvite her, and it wasn’t the end of the world, so I just added a place setting to the table. E arrived for a girls day at our other friend’s house (we can call her P, because she’s an incredibly private person), and said “Oh, I invited so and so, but she couldn’t make it.” Once again, invited someone to another person’s house without asking! Most recently, we made plans to spend the 4th of July with P, her fiancé. She asked (thank goodness) if she could invite one of her racist friends and the friend’s kids. Thankfully, P said no, because there’s no space for them.
E is an intelligent, lovely woman. It’s insane that this continually happens. P as I have discussed this and are both equally uncomfortable with it. E is delightfully naive and loves all her friends, but it’s too much.
I recently shut down one of the racist friends being invited, and E was upset. She didn’t say anything, but went dark in the group chat for a while. I feel like we need to discuss this with her, but I don’t want to risk alienating her, either. I would say “no” to other invitees as the situation calls for it, but many times, I’m not asked. People just appear.
This has literally caused issues in her romantic relationships. Exes of hers have hated being shoved together with the awful husbands of the couples so she could spend time with her childhood friends.
How do you get through to someone in a situation like this? Just start saying “Hey, let’s make it just us, I have some private things I want to discuss” *every time* we make plans to get together? As I said… it’s just certain friends and the others are fine. I don’t want to single out those friends, but I may have to…