Post # 1
Back info: I’m not estranged from my father, he’s been in my life since day one. That being said, we’ve never been very close. My parents split up when I was 21 (about 7 years ago). Since then, I only see my day a few times a year and we talking every 3 months or so, more in the summer. We have a family cabin with my dad, his brother, and his sister so I’ve spent a lot of time with his side of the family and I would say we’re all pretty close.
When I got engaged, I asked my dad if he would be willing to help to pay for the wedding and he said yes. A few months later, he purchased a brand new, very expensive truck. While telling my brother about his new truck, he made a comment to him that he didn’t know if he’d be able to help pay for my wedding.
I broke down, and told my mom that it made me feel pretty crappy that a new truck took priority over my wedding. She called him and they agreed on an amount that they would each contribute. (This was about a year ago.)
Now the issue: I called my dad last week (two weeks before my wedding) and asked how he wanted to handle paying his amount and he informed me that he wouldn’t be able to contribute and that he couldn’t even afford a wedding gift. Whatever, I can handle it.
Here’s the thing, it didn’t feel right to have my dad walk me down the aisle because, for lack of a better term, I don’t feel that close to him, so I decided to have both my parents walk me down the aisle . After all this, I really don’t feel like he deserves to look like the “good guy” in all of this and get away with basically blowing me off. I mean, he told me he knew about 6 months ago that he wasn’t going to be able to help pay, but it took ME calling HIM and asking to get it out of him. However, I am afraid that his family (and parents) will be pissed at me if I don’t have him walk me down the aisle. What would you do?
Post # 2
50 years from now when you look back at your wedding, how will you feel knowing your dad didn’t walk you down the aisle because you were mad that he didn’t give you money?
Just something to think about.
Post # 3
I hope this doesn’t come out the wrong way…. But you sound pretty bratty…
even if my father wasn’t contributing a dollar toward my wedding, I would still absolutely want him to walk me down the aisle. I guess it’s annoying that your dad said he would help you out but things happen and I don’t think you should be taking it this far…
Post # 4
I would base my choice re: who walked me down the aisle upon my relationships and not money. At my first wedding my mother and grandfather walked me down the aisle–my father died when I was young.
As PP suggested–putting all financial issues aside, try to think even five or ten years out and imagine how you would like to remember this event in your life.
Post # 5
Ok, I can relate to several aspects of this. So please know I am coming to you with love and kindness. I have posted about my own relationship with my father on this board.
Walking you down the aisle is completely separate from giving you money. One should not be in conjunction with the other. You can’t rely on money from others. It would have been a gift. A truck lasts longer than a wedding, it was a more financially responsible choice. However much it sucks for you.
A father walking a daughter down the aisle, or mother walking son, is an emotional symbol. You might not feel close enough. Thats fine. Have both your parents walk you. But don’t let the disappointment of money cloud your judgement.
Trust me. I posted about my own father and my struggles with having him participate on our day. We haven’t spoken since my wedding in October. I don’t want that to happen to someone else. He also promised a certain amount and didn’t deliver, no rhyme or reason. He probably forgot. Pick your battles.
Post # 6
I mean, finances aside it sounds like you’re not close with your dad. I get the impression from your post that this probably isn’t the first time your dad has let you down. I don’t think you sound “bratty”, I think you sound hurt. Do you have a better relationship with your mom and view her as the one who raised you? I think you should decide who walks you down the aisle based on your relationship. Not gender.
Post # 7
It doesn’t sound like you are that close to your Dad, other than using his family cabin and wanting money for the wedding.
If you don’t want him to escort you along with your other, tell him. Just be prepared that your relationship could deteriorate even further.
Post # 8
You don’t want him to walk you down the aisle because he didn’t pay you enough? Do you seriously hear how entitled and childish that sounds? He isn’t responsible for paying for your wedding. Take your nose out of his chequebook.
If you actually don’t want him to walk you down the aisle it’s fine. I’m not doing it either. But your reasons sound incredible selfish, and I think you’ll regret using such silly jusitifcations in the future. HOWEVER if you honestly don’t want him to walk you, you guys arent that close, you wouldnt be sad, and you keep the $$ out of your decision, totally different.
Don’t make family decisions based on how much someone will give you.
Post # 9
Despite you not being super close to your dad that doesn’t change the fact that he’s raised you and I think thats what is significant about him walking you down the aisle. I also don’t think you are being bratty either since he did mention that he was planning on assisting you with the wedding and wasn’t upfront that his plans changed.
Post # 10
I like the pp who said to think about years down the road and how you want to remember this day. There are as many different answers to this as there are people in the world. Take money out of it and think about this aspect without that.
FWIW, my parents paid for my wedding and I walked alone “down the aisle”…its in quotes because there really wasn’t an aisle, we got married in a living room, but I did walk by myself. Because my relationship with my father has been strained my whole life and that was the only thing I have known since I began dreaming of my wedding when I was a girl, is that i am walking alone. I am grateful for their financial contribution, yet I wasn’t going to let that interfere with my reasons for walking by myself.
Post # 11
- Wedding: October 2016 - His Way Church & Chesapeake Room @ Downs Park
If you aren’t going to let ONLY your father walk you down, I vote for both walking you down. When people say they want to contribute to your wedding, you should view that as an unexpected gift not an obligation. If they back out of that offer, you should not hold them to it.
I understand about the truck and I also understand that you’re hurt he couldn’t afford a gift. But neither of those things change this fact:
“he’s been in my life since day one”
Let him walk you down the aisle. Whether or not you want him to come out looking like the “good guy” it doesn’t sound like he is a bad one. It just sounds like he is bad with money.
Post # 12
I had a similar situation where my parents were divorced since I was young and although I wouldn’t say dad and I had a hate filled relationship, we were not too close because he let me down many times and to be honest we were very different and he made no effort to take interest in me and my life. But we were amicable and on good terms.
My wedding rolled around and I was torn over this exact topic, so many friends and family told me to let him walk me down the aisle that when I was older id regret “being petty and not giving him that experience” (he never did anything to deserve that honour)
the day arrived and let’s just say I whole heartedly regret not sticking with my gut. He shouldn’t have walked me down the aisle. I look back and wish I had of just walked myself out.
He came to my house so we could go in the wedding car together and he came to the door with a 6 pack of beer and actually asked the wedding driver to wait so dad could chug down all 6!! I was late to my wedding.
He had promised to pay the bar tab and didn’t leaving my new husband being harassed by the venue to pick up the bill! We had to pay for it out of money that was supposed be for our honeymoon the next day.
He brought his new wife she shot dirty looks to my mum the whole night like a teenager and also who upset my mum so much and wouldn’t allow my father to have photos with my mum in it (he needs to grow a pair) I have no photos with both my mum and dad in it.
He also had promised to do a speech and when my husband called him up he shook his head and refused leaving us so so embarrassed. how could someone do that to their daughter on her wedding day!!??
anyway you have probably gathered by now after my dads behaviour we no longer speak. His behaviour left us heartbroken.
I am not saying all of the above will happen to you only you know your dad and your situation but if something in you doesn’t want him to walk you down the aisle then stick with that gut feeling, do what is best for YOU not what you think you have to do.
Post # 13
Thanks for the responses, especially those who recognize that it’s not about the money. It’s about how the whole thing went down. How he didn’t have the decency to say something until I called two weeks before the wedding and I had to ask.
Like PP mentioned, it’s not the first time he’s let me down and I’ve never felt like much of a priority to him. He calls my brother every other week, but I only talk with him once every few months. I get the impression that since my brother is a guy, he has more to offer my dad. I’m a girl and I’m not of much use to him. Not saying that’s true, but it’s how I feel.
Post # 14
anon4605: my dad was the same. He couldn’t relate to me because I am a girl. He made no effort.
and I don’t think any of your feelings are about the money it’s about the betrayal of promising to contribute then not having the decency to say to you he never had the intention to. You would have made a budget and factored in his contribution.
Some comments here are downright rude!
Post # 15
Ok, let me try to understand this because your post sounds very childish and sarcastic.
You’re 28 years old and ASKED your dad if he was willing to help pay for your wedding.
If your’re old enough to get married you’re old enough to pay for it.
If a parent want to contribute, thats great but let them offer.
I understand he agreed to help pay and months later he bought himself a truck (a very expensive truck) and told your brother he might not be able to help after all but maybe because you didn’t get an exact amount from him the thought he could afford to kick in a few hundred bucks and also treat himself to a brand new truck. It’s possible that his eyes get all glassy at the dealership and wound up spending more than he intended. It’s his money and he can spend it as he sees fit.
He could have felt pressured from your mom to help pay, guilty because he said he would when you first asked but he obviously agreed to something he couldn’t deliver on.
If he was the kind of father who all your life promised things but never kept up his end then I would say you have every right to be upset and not let him look like the “good guy” but you didn’t lead us to believe that, you just wern’t close.
So if I do understand this all correctly…
You’re close enough to ask him to help pay for your wedding but NOT close enough to let him walk you down the aisle.