(Closed) Issues with husband staying out later than he says

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
5166 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

For me, this would really depend on how much it happens. I would view an adult saying ‘i’ll be home in about an hour’ as an estimation rather than a curfew and if they were 2-3 hours I certainly wouldn’t be clock watching every minute.  

Is there a specific reason you’re so annoyed at him drinking alcohol?  

How often does this situation happen? You say not very often, but is that once a month or once or twice a year? 

Post # 3
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee

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zzar45 :  well drinking before work is not usually a good idea…

 

How often are we talking about? He should be honest about his times. Usually when you go out you will know if it’s 10pm or 5am and if it changes you should let your partner know. or a general “I’m not sure, but I think it will be super late. I’ll try to come home quietly”. what did he say when you went off or when you talked about it? does he have very subjective idea of time in general? does this happen o my when going out or also during day when he goes to the gym etc?

his begaviour is very inconsiderate. you need to have a good talk and set guidelines that you mutually agree. 

Post # 5
Member
5545 posts
Bee Keeper

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huertabride :  I had this with my husband. In my case the anxiety and anger I felt was mainly due to the fact he’s been attacked a couple of times so if I don’t hear from him I panic. I also have sleep issues (I have CFS so sleep is super important, but I sleep lightly and wake easily so if I know he will be coming home at 11pm for eg and it’s 10pm I can’t sleep as I know I’ll wake up, so if it gets later and later that means I basically get no sleep). I do also find it disrespectful; I always try to give an accurate time I’ll be home, whether it’s 11pm or 3am.

So in short, I totally relate. In my case I’ve done two things: first is, if he’s going out with certain friends I try to make my own plans (eg sometimes I stay at my parents) so I’m not worrying constantly. If I can’t, I insist on an accurate ETA so that I can make sure I do sleep and I’m not worrying. So if he says 11pm, I do actually insist he’s home at 11pm. I appreciate that some may find this unreasonable/controlling, but I have no issue with him staying out late, it’s the saying one thing and doing another, particularly because of my issues with sleep. He does now abide by it, or, if he isn’t sure, he does what I do and says up front he isn’t sure and will probably be very late and for me not to wait up, which is fine as again I can then sleep.

Post # 8
Member
5166 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

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huertabride :  I missed that he was working early.  I’m not sure it’s worth making a huge issue of.  I don’t want to invalidate your feelings but if it’s four times a year max, all you can do is ask him to try to remember to let you know if he’s going to be later.  But i’m sure we all have times when we get a little carried away and one or two hours turns into 4.  It doesn’t sound like it’s a regular problem or that he’s being shady. 

Post # 9
Member
5545 posts
Bee Keeper

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huertabride :  I honestly find it’s helped, psychologically. If he says ‘I’ll be home by 11pm’ and it gets to close to midnight and he’s not home, I worry; whereas if he says ‘I don’t know what time I’ll be home, but it will likely be late’, I don’t worry even when it gets to midnight or whatever as I’m expecting him to be late. I would definitely try it.

But if he continues to give you a time then IMO he needs to stick to it. I did actually make this a deal-breaker in the end and said that if he gives me a set time once more that he doesn’t stick to, I’m out. Again that might seem crazy to some but it causes me a lot of anxiety and I guess I don’t see what’s difficult about just sticking to a time, or giving a realistic time to begin with. If I’m going clubbing with a certain one of my friends and he asks what time I’ll be in I tell him ‘Honestly? Not sure but it almost definitely won’t be before 3am’. I don’t trot out ’11pm’ and then just stroll through the door 4 hours later having ignored messages/calls etc. It isn’t hard. And if I’m unexpectedly going to be later than planned I let him know straight away; again, not hard.

Post # 10
Member
5545 posts
Bee Keeper

Another tip: turn your phone off. The you’re not looking out for messages/messaging him. I find this has helped, too.

Post # 11
Member
206 posts
Helper bee

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huertabride :  The only fight my SO and I have had is about something like this… I don’t care when he’s home or whether he goes out, but I absolutely lose it if he leads me on and spoon feeds me lies. “Leaving soon”, one hour later… “be home in an hour”….one hour later… “heading to another bar…”, etc etc etc until 5am.

I sat him down and asked him, WTF man. He said it’s a bad habit from his previous marriage, that he would do this to her because it prevented confrontation. I let him know there and then, never to tell me bullshit again, or to walk on eggshells around me. I want him to go out, I want him to have fun, but I don’t want MY evening swallowed up expecting him to walk through the door at any time. If I’d known he was out and didn’t plan on coming home, I could have gone out with MY girls, had a friday night of my own.

So… ask him, why he does this. Maybe he thinks he’s softening the blow. But if you know he’s out all night, you can plan for that, and you won’t be reduced to waiting by the phone.

Post # 12
Member
556 posts
Busy bee

My partner goes out like this maybe 3 times a year. Normally for his xmas work party and then during our town’s fiestas….

I live in a little Spanish town and once a year they have fiestas once a year which last for 4 days which are crazy!! The first year I was with my SO I experienced the whole fiestas and didn’t sleep, but now I feel I have ticked that box and can enjoy still enjoy the fiestas and sleep too, haha.  

So what happens? We go out with his friends for drinks…at 4am I go home and sleep….wake up around 9am and he is still out. I get up and shower, ask him where they are and meet them to carry on ‘partying’…then we go home at around 5pm and my SO sleeps until around 10pm and then gets up and does it again….for FOUR days staight!! he works in the town so everything is shut and he doesn’t work for these four days. For me it’s crazy and I just can’t keep up, but it’s something he has done all his life. 

So what do I do? I just go to bed and don’t expect to see him, haha. It might be different as the town is super safe and my SO is pretty much friends with everyone who lives there. 

The same happens during his xmas work do….he goes out…i go to bed and just don’t expect to hear from him until the early hours. 

I don’t even ask when he will be back…let’s be honest most the time we go out we don’t know when we will be back. When I see friends I like to see how the night goes, sometimes one drink leads to 5 and then before you know someone has suggested going to that cheesy 80s club, hahaha. I message my SO to keep him updated, sometimes he will message though and say ‘Love, I am off to bed. Have a good night. I have left the hall light on for you’. I might message later and say ‘on my way home’ but by that point he’s long been asleep. haha. Sometimes we just don’t know how long we will be out. My SO never asks me when I will be back, if he does I say to him ‘no idea. I am not sure what everyone else is up for doing’….or I might say ‘I don’t think I’ll be long. I’m tired’…..But we never say a time. He just says ‘ok, have fun. I am going to get a beer and watch the football’, haha. 

Post # 13
Member
848 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

I hateee when my husband does this.  I am a worrier too, so not having a good sense of when to expect him gets my mind turning. It usually happens when he’s with co-workers. He doesn’t like to be on his phone that much when he’s with “bosses” (even though they’re friends too).  We talk about it when it happens and I’ve found it’s easier to set the expectations early.  I don’t worry as much when he says, I’m going out with co-workers, we’re going to X,  Y, or Z, but we may end up going somewhere else afterwards so don’t worry if I’m home late.

I also don’t like when he comes home late because he wakes me up, but that’s a different issue haha.  That’s where compromise comes in, because he’s an adult and not doing anything dangerous so I can suffer through one night of interrupted sleep.

Post # 14
Member
206 posts
Helper bee

The thing that really bugs me is…. can I eat? should I wait to cook? will we eat late? can I have a snack now? if I order food, do I get you any?

It’s all about food for me.

Post # 15
Member
1746 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

He don’t answer you’re texts orcall not gonna lie I be sooo mad. Drinking and 1 hour of sleep before he work  will get fired may be to

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