(Closed) Issues with husband staying out later than he says

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 16
Member
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

This just sounds shady to me. Like his explanations for why he’s out so late seem a bit off. He’s out with his sister, then has to go back out because of some bullshit with her “gate,” oh except now he’s hanging out with a coworker deep into the early morning hours? Sketchy.

ETA: and yea the fact that he can’t be bothered to send you a quick text when he’s gonna be out late letting you know his plans is another slap in the face, given he knows how much this behavior upsets you. 

Post # 17
Member
1033 posts
Bumble bee

I wonder what he’s doing that he can’t return your calls or texts? Sending a text, “I’m okay but will be home late” would take maybe 2 seconds to type out. 

Post # 18
Member
4098 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Canada

View original reply
tiffanybruiser :  This is what I thought too. His excuses are random and sketchy… OP is there any way to validate that he he really was with his sister and did go back out to fix the gate? Can you bring it up casually in conversation “hey SIL, it sucks that your gate acted up so late at night! Was DH able to fix it quickly? I hope you werent locked out/in for too long!”

Post # 19
Member
10283 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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huertabride :  this isn’t about him staying out later than he says. It’s about how shady he is. Totally agree with PP on this. 

out at 2 am with his sister, helping with a gate, and back out with co-worker on same night. This strains credulity. 

Sorry, bee, but I suspect the reason this bothers you isn’t just the anxiety over whether he’s okay, but the larger issue that his behavior is beyond odd. It doesn’t make sense. At the very least, he’s irresponsible and immature. At worst, he’s lying about what he’s doing. 

Also, leaving your backdoor open while you sleep? Pretty much a “f*ck you.”

Post # 20
Member
3257 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

 Your husband is repeatedly lying to you, both blatantly and by omission. His lies demonstrate a tremendous about of disrespect. If he respected you, he wouldn’t be doing this. He wouldn’t be lying about what time he’ll be home, or where he’s going, or leaving the door unlocked. If he cared, he would not be choosing to do things that he knows full well are devastating to you.

And yes, as PPs have said, this whole thing is freaking shady. I do not believe his story about helping his sister with a gate turning into hours drunk with a coworker. It doesn’t make sense, which I’m sure is a huge part of your anxiety. His apologies are fake, and his actions say he couldn’t care less.

Post # 21
Member
10223 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
huertabride :  

Five am?!  If we’re going to face reality here, there are not a lot of explanations that aren’t going to be very bad news.

Post # 22
Member
634 posts
Busy bee

My Fiance did this a couple of times, he is terrible with time management (very social, always wants to see everyone even if there isn’t time to) so we sat down and had a heart to heart about it. I explained to him that if is later then expected and I haven’t heard from him then I expect the worst. I’ll worry, I wont sleep, i’ll be miserable. He didn’t realize how upset it actually made me when he was late.

We had that conversation 1.5 years ago, ever since he has ALWAYS called to let me know where he’s at, what his plans are and if his plans have changed. It’s a respect thing, if i’m out I do the same for him

Post # 23
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

I get how you feel, when my Fiance goes out all I ask is that he lets me know he’s ok. He can try give me a time he’s going yo be in but let’s face it we don’t always keep to those times especially when deink in involved. However, I’d be so mad at him if he was drinking befpre work and not getting enough sleep, and leaving the back door open?! And then I’m guessing that it was a lie about his sister seeing as though he was with a co-worker?!

the fact that he goes out four times a year I’d ignore the that he comes in later sometimes BUT as for the rest of it I’d have a serious conversation with him 

good luck

Post # 24
Member
324 posts
Helper bee

I could be wrong here but my gut feeling is that this man is lying to you about his whereabouts. 

Post # 25
Member
3949 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

This would drive me crazy. DH and I generally give each other a ballpark time home and if that changes we call or text the other person to let them know. That way, for example, I’m expecting DH at home around dinnertime and it turns out it’ll be later, then I know not to worry about him and to not hold dinner for him.

A quick text is all it takes – very little effort to show respect for another person’s time and emotions.

Post # 26
Member
5046 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

Yeah, when my friend couldn’t reach his wife after a few nights like this, he finally called me to vent and I immediately thought she was cheating. She was. This is so sketchy. Sorry, Bee. FWIW, my friend and his wife worked on it and they are still together.

Post # 27
Member
13949 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Sorry, none of this would not fly with me at all. Being out at that hour, his suspicious and unlikely excuses, the fact that he changes his stories, and most of all the lies. I would not stand for any of it. 

Post # 28
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee

The thing that bothers me is that his excuses are really sketchy and don’t really make sense. Do you think he might be lying to you about what he was doing, because that’s a bigger problem. 

Also, it would take him 30 seconds to send you a text. Maybe ask him to just keep you in the loop of what he’s doing and that he’s okay in the future.

Post # 29
Member
6705 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
weddingmaven :  +1000

 

I wouldn’t just me mad OP I’d be livid. He could at least text. This is utter BS to me. 

Post # 30
Member
2544 posts
Sugar bee

Doing this a couple of times could be passed off as a mistake, but it happening consistently is extremely disrespectful and not caring about your feelings. But that’s something that could be worked on.. 

However – the situation with him going out to ‘check the gate’ for his sister, only to wind up somehow drinking with a coworker is downright shady. How does that even happen?  He ran into his coworker outside the gate? 

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