(Closed) Issues with husband staying out later than he says

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 31
Member
1939 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My husband is a recovering alcoholic and when he would tell me he would be home at a certain and wasn’t, I was livid because he was picking the bottle over me. Your comment about how he left again after getting home and was gone for over an hour reminded me of my husband. He would do the same thing and it terrified me and made me SO angry. He got black out drunk on a night we were supposed to leave at 3 AM to catch a flight, he got 2 hours of sleep and was still drunk when his mom picked us up…it was a bad look. I’d be questioning him and would be very much fed up if this was a regular occurance. 

Post # 32
Member
302 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I have an issue with my Fiance forgetting how time works when he’s out with his friends as well. Like yours, the later it gets, the less likely I am to hear back from him. It’s annoying, but since it only happens a few times a year, I decided it’s not a battle that I want to put a huge fight into.  

I would caution you to evaluate your situation- don’t decide he’s cheating on you just because other bees say so. I trust my Fiance 100%, and I know when he’s out later than he says and he doesn’t respond, it’s because he’s having fun with his friends, NOT cheating on me. Don’t jump to conclusions just because strangers on the internet who aren’t in your relationship tell you he’s cheating. That’s just my two cents! 

Post # 33
Member
450 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

His excuses are sketchy af. I’d be worried too. Like go out and have fun, but let me know where you are and at least say “Hey, it’s going to be late. Don’t wait up.” 

Post # 34
Member
556 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
peacebethejourney :  totally agree with you. Some people are very quick on here to suggest cheating. It’s not fair to put ideas like that in someone’s head. You know your SO – we don’t. 

Sometimes my SO crawls through the door at 5am but I completely trust him. That’s normal closing time for bars near where I live. Walking in the door at 5am doesn’t necessarily mean cheating. 

Post # 35
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think coming home at 5am is the issue. It’s more to do with saying “I’ll be home at 10” and then not showing up. I go out a few nights a month and just tell my partner “I’ll be late, don’t wait up” so he knows not to worry. where as id I’d say “I’ll be back at 10” and not showing up before 11 then he would worry. If I had genuine intention to go home at 10 and seems that it will be 5am then I’m able to send a message.

As PP said it could be learned behaviour. Either he has felt like you have been uspet before about him being late so he says he will be back early ans thinks thats ok. Or he has experienced something similar in previous relationship. Could be cheating or alcholisim but I wouldn’t be s quick to jump into conclusions. COuld be that he is an inconsiderate asshat on this subject. Thpugh drinking before work is a bit of a warniing sign.

Post # 36
Member
637 posts
Busy bee

Guess I am overbearing  but this wouldn’t be acceptable for my SO to do and vice versa. Something about being out drunk past midnight with friends and not my partner is a bit… not married lol. Forget the not answering calls or texts… thats just fuel to the fire. And disrespectful AF too.

If either of us are gonna be out drinking its more fun with each other and our other friends anyway and has been highly useful since getting hit on by drunk men and women irritates him… and again… vice versa.

I would lose my mind if my SO was doing this. I mean maybe we are both granma and grampa but at 30 this is hard to pull off anymore. I think I die a little inside every time I try to pull off the ole lifestyle of staying out till the crack of dawn. 

 Whiskeyshits and work don’t mix, sir.

 

Post # 37
Member
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Well, I don’t think it’s at all crazy to look at blatantly shady behavior and say “that is shady.” Trust is earned by actions. It’s not a human right. I trust my husband now because he’s earned that trust with his actions, but if he started pulling shady shit like staying out all night after he said he’d be home at 10 without so much as a text message to let me know his plans, and finally coming home smelling of alcohol 1 hr before he has to be at work, and giving me weird-ass reasons for his delayed arrival, my trust in him would take a hit.

Is OP’s SO cheating? Who knows. Impossible for us to say. But he’s definitely being shady and inconsiderate, at best.

Post # 38
Member
15 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2018

View original reply
huertabride :  This would not be ok to me.  My Fiance used to do this too – he’d go out and drink, stumble back in with just enough time to shower and go to work.  I used to get really upset about it.  This probably won’t be a popular answer, but I broke up with him and told him he had to get it together before I’d consider marrying him.  Thankfully he did, but it was really hard walking away.  Hopefully you can have a serious chat with him about this and won’t have to go to the same lengths I did (he also had a huge drinking problem that I was uncomfortable with).  I feel for you bee, hugs!  

Post # 39
Member
645 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I can’t believe some of you are blowing this off as nothing. Even if it was twice a year it’s ridiculous. Married people don’t just disappear into the night and not answer the phone from their spouse. Any number of things could happen. Besides the fact that OP is worried about HIM, what if something was actually wrong with HER and she needed him but he wouldn’t answer his phone? I doubt many husbands would be happy waking up alone and not able to contact their wives anywhere. That’s crazy.

And I’m sorry but he’s totally lying about his whereabouts. It he was doing something legit, he’d answer his phone, especially knowing how upset this makes you.

Post # 41
Member
7266 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I’d be pissed about him leaving the back door open while I was asleep, more really endangering me. Not acceptable.

Also- why does he have a job with your family? Is it because he can’t get or keep a job on his own? Why are you keeping track of when he needs to go to work and how much sleep he needs to get rather than him doing it for himself? His lack of responsibility and reliability might be an issue all around.

Post # 42
Member
556 posts
Busy bee

If you trust he is where he is and he is doing what he said he is doing then there is no issue. People aren’t tied to their phones. If my Fiance goes out I want him to have a good time. To be fair my Fiance is extremely good with messaging me and saying what’s going on…but likewise even if I did message and he responsed 2 hours later because he was with friends, I wouldn’t mind. 

When im with my friends my phone is in my handbag and I only pull it out every so often. Sometimes I pull it out and see my Fiance messaged me an hour ago, but I didn’t realise. 

So long you know who he is with and where. However, He should tell you if he’ll be late though. My Fi often messages me when they’re moving on elsewhere. I get a message maybe every couple of hours or so like ‘now going to this bar’ or ‘that bar was too full so we are now heading to another’. 

Post # 43
Member
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

View original reply
happybridetobe1988 :  Your Fiance sounds super communicative, which is awesome. I just want to point out that you don’t have to be “tied to your phone” to send your partner a quick text message to let her know you’ll be coming home at 2am rather than 10pm, as you had previously indicated. That takes about 10 seconds and is an exercise in basic thoughtfulness. Anyone who thinks that’s too much to ask of their partner should really engage in some self reflection to figure out why their standards are so low.

Post # 45
Member
939 posts
Busy bee

I’d also say he’s being shady as *&^%! Sorry to say bee. 

My EX husband would do this ALL OF THE TIME. Eventually I found he was up to some no good. It was a mess. I’d suggest you do a little detective work. Don’t accept these excuses from him! 

The topic ‘Issues with husband staying out later than he says’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors