Issues with my mother and wedding dress shopping

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
2845 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

Honestly, this is one of those situations where I would decline any financial contributions. Generally, the rule is that if someone else is funding your wedding, they get a say and it sounds like that was her say. I don’t necessarily agree with that logic but she does have some merit being that she is paying for the dress. Can’t you just pay for your dress yourself? 

Post # 3
Member
5591 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

kmmq72 :  

Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh!!

You have to ask yourself if accepting the money from your mother is worth all of this.

The relationship with your mom is even spilling over into your work  life which means it’s probably time to distance yourself from her.

You aren’t doing anything wrong, you are expressing what you want and she’s not going to have it. She told you that she doesn’t want to share you with anyone so I doubt having her involved in the wedding is going to go well, at all.

This is just the dress… what about the cake, the flowers, the menu … that’s a lot of stress and a lot of fighting, a lot of sleepless nights and mental health days for something that should be a happy time.

It’s very tricky when someone else is paying because it’s their money and your mother is using it to exert her control. Frankly, I wouldn’t accept anything from her after this. If she can’t play along and be nice and supportive, then she doesn’t get to join in.

This sucks bee, but it’s really time to separate yourself from her 🙁

Post # 4
Member
576 posts
Busy bee

Do not cave to her. Invite who you want. It’s going to be a very slippery slope going forward…. good luck

Post # 5
Member
1405 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I would say they do have a say because they are paying for your dress. Is it selfish for your mom to demand it’s just her & you? Yes. Is it wrong for you to want other people there? No, not at all. Regardless of who is right or wrong, I would either not accept the money or just go with your mom. If you cave now though there will probably be other instances during wedding planning that your mom will demand something else, so I would think long and hard about whether you’re okay with that or not.

Post # 6
Member
10028 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Unfortunately, if you want her to pay, she gets a say and this is her say. I would say that if you want the experience you want you need to decline her financial assitance and pay for things yourself, thus taking away any control she has. By taking her money you’re handing her control.

 

Post # 8
Member
6832 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Plan the wedding you want, including shopping with the people you wish to include, without counting on your parents’ money. It’s just going to become one battle after another as long as she can threaten to yank their contribution any time she doesn’t get her way. She’s going to have to get used to the idea that you are not all hers, all the time, and that you are going to be making your own decisions as an adult woman moving forward.

Post # 9
Member
5591 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

kmmq72 :  

you either separate yourself or you continue to live your life like this. It’s been a life time of her behaving like this and it’s not going to change.

The only thing you can change is what you tolerate. When she starts in about how much you hate her blah blah blah, don’t entertain it. Say, I’m sorry you feel that way mom, I’ve got to go now, etc. 

I would say don’t bow down to her but you are accepting her money. So I would decline the offer and don’t bow down to her. “I’m sorry you feel this way mom, but I want so and so to come too, hopefully you can make it!”

When she realizes she can’t get a rise out of you, she will stop.

Post # 10
Member
6839 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

kmmq72 :  “I think that her trying to dictate who can come is not within the scope of her paying for the dress.”

The problem with this thinking is that it’s YOUR thinking, not your mother’s. And she’s the one paying. She could very well think that anything under the sun is within the scope of her paying for things. And good luck arguing with a narcissist! 

Honestly, if I were you I’d decline the financial assistance and plan a wedding you can afford without her help. This is the tip of the iceberg and you accepting her money is just going to lead to a lot more drama. 

Post # 11
Member
10028 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

If she’s paying for the dress 100% she gets a say of who comes. I’m sorry, but thats the brass tacks and I see exactly why she feels she gets a say. You act like it’s “just dress shopping” but in reality this is a huge part of wedding planning and one of the most special tasks for you and your mother, it’s not like this is a cake tasting or venue tour. It’s picking your wedding dress.

Again I say, if you want your in-laws and friends to come to the dress appointment you need to pay for your own dress. You NEED her there, because if she doesn’t come you can’t pay for a dress. Therefore she has 100% control, if she decides she won’t come to an appointment with anyone else, you are SOL and there isn’t anything you can do about it.

It’s either take her money and do what she wants so she will give you the money. Or don’t take her money and do what you want. Your choice. Given what you’ve said of her, I seriously doubt she will show up and swipe her card if you invite other people.

Post # 13
Member
2008 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

When I tried on dresses, I had my mom, SIL, and best friend (MOH). We had a lot of fun, and I’m glad I did it that way. You need to decide, accept your mom’s money and do it her way or pay for it yourself and have the people you want there.

Post # 14
Member
5591 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

kmmq72 :  

I’m glad I could give you some helpful advice, bee. Just keep at it.

For what it’s worth, my mom is a nightmare. She tried to wrap me up in all kinds of nonsense earlier this year and I did just that… ugh, that’s awful, I’ve got to go now!”

She atteneded our wedding and was perfectly fine because she knew I wouldn’t tolerate anything from her.

Post # 15
Member
7062 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

You pay, you play. Your mom sounds crazy and I have a personal rule that I don’t negotiate with emotional terrorists, so none of that would fly with me. I would turn down her offer to pay, and foot the bill for the wedding myself. You’re an adult and you need to set some boundaries now…because down the line when you have kids (if you have kids) it will only be worse.

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