- 2 years ago
I tried to dig around to find similar posts about this, but I really couldn’t so I just went ahead and made my own thread. I feel like so many pieces of excitement that come with getting engaged and married have been taken away from me because of my mother and her actions, and I’m truly at a loss for how to handle it all moving forward.
For some context – I come from a family who was very overbearing and controlling, although I didn’t realize it until I was halfway through high school, in college, and now into my own adult years. As I was growing up, my parents usually had the final say on decisions or how things were to be done and I just went with what they said usually. If they said you put the peanut butter on the left slice of bread and jelly on the right, I would have believe that that was the only way to do it. I wouldn’t say they were strict at all (like I never had a curfew, but I wasn’t a party hard kind of teenager either) but they had expectations and at the end of the day I usually went along with them because I wanted to please them. Looking back now, I ALWAYS caved in to whatever my parents wanted even if it didn’t make me happy or it wasn’t what I wanted. Also note, without a doubt would say that that my mother is a narsissist, it is extremly hard to deal with her antics.
Regarding wedding dress shopping – Previously, my mom was 100% honest with me that she does not want to share me with anyone, whether that my Fiance, a close friend, my in-laws, anyone..(exactly what she said). She also said that her and my dad would contribute $XXXX to the wedding (that amount included paying for my dress). She said that she wanted to do some mother-daughter wedding things just the two of us and wedding dress shopping was one of those things. I very reasonably told her I understood as my mom she did want her mother and daughter moments, and I’m sure they would happen BUT I wanted to go wedding dress shopping with her, my Future Mother-In-Law, Future Sister-In-Law and best friend. She got pissed.
Last night, we got into a fight because a few days ago I mentioned how we could possibly go look at wedding dresses on Black Friday, this was a big maybe as I didn’t even know how many stores would be open, etc. She came to me yesterday in a pissed off mood and completely blindsided me by questioning me with things like: why do I hate her so much, why can she never have an opinion, why do I have to have the other ladies go dress shopping (aka why can’t it be just her and I) and so on. Regarding the very last question, I simply said that I didn’t want dress shopping to be just her and I because I want my FMIL/FSIL, and friend to be there and experience it with me. She kept asking me why and I just told her because it is what I want and she didn’t like that and it just exploded into a huge fight from there. She also tried to tell me that *traditionally* wedding dress shopping is only a mother-daughter thing and I calmly disagreed because of the countless people I know of who invited their in-laws, friends and who knows who else. When I said “I want FMIL/FSIL, friend to be there to, why can’t you respect that?” she just lost it on me and turned it around and made it about her and why couldn’t I respect that she wanted it to be just us… and I HAVE, I do respect that, but this is what I want!
I typically do not like being the center of attention, as I can be pretty shy but am I in the wrong for wanting to include more people than just my mother with wedding dress shopping? Wedding dress shopping is one of those rare times where I do want it to be about me… is that wrong? I don’t think it is.. I understand that she would be paying for the dress, but does that alone mean she gets to dictate who goes shopping? I’m really looking for just in general advice/support on how to deal with this. I was literally in tears last night after our fight and felt like a child because of how my mother was treating me… I thought about calling into work today for a mental health day because I’m so drained and exhausted from it.