Issues with my mother and wedding dress shopping

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 31
Member
576 posts
Busy bee

You should just pay for your own wedding and if your parents want to GIFT you any money after, that’s their choice. If she’s paying for the dress, she sure can have a say as in maybe suggesting dresses she likes, the cost, shops to look at etc. Not WHO attends the appointment, that’s ridiculous. What if she starts deciding certain friends and family can’t be invited to your wedding. Because she pays she gets to say? NO! Honestly Your mom sounds like a nightmare. 🙁 

Post # 32
Member
2400 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Sansa85 :  but who as a teenager, living in their parents home and being provided for by their parents, didn’t have to conform to what their parents said? I’m always surprised when I hear people say, “when I was a teenager I had to do everything my mom said and I couldn’t argue. My mom is such a narcissist, everything had to be her way.” I’m always thinking, well, you were what 16, maybe 18 years old? Of course your parents expected you to do what they said. They were providing for your home & well-being and were legally responsible for you. Not to mention the fact that they were probably a whole lot more knowledgeable about things than you were.

Post # 34
Member
2400 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Just read your update. If your parents are not in a good financial position, it would probably be best not to take their money so that you can throw yourselves a party. Maybe just have them pay for one concrete thing. I would suggest the dress. Simply because it’s paid for far in advance and it’s a one and done type thing. What, then you might do, is just go dress shopping with your mom by yourself and later go with your friends and future mother-in-law. You could couch the second expedition as showing them what you and your mother picked out. This might make her feel better.

Post # 36
Member
942 posts
Busy bee

My opinion? Let her pay for everything except the dress, since you’re cool with everything except the dress shopping. 🙂

Post # 37
Member
2400 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

kmmq72 :  But aren’t you still living with your parents?  Unless you’re paying rent & utilities and have your own shelf in the fridge where you put your groceries that you buy…. 

Most teenagers have to start buying their own clothes and paying for their own transportation, once they hit 16 or so. If that weren’t the case, my kids would just wear whatever I wanted them to and potentially wouldn’t have a car. They’d come home after school and do chores and stay home every weekend. They work so that they can go and do the fun things that they want to do with their friends and have the trendy clothes that they prefer. Heck no am I providing them a allowance just for being alive. I don’t get an allowance just for being alive. And they’re certainly not going to live a more extravagant lifestyle than I live. The fact is, that I don’t get to go and do whatever I want whenever I want as an adult. I have a budget. And my budget dictates that sometimes I just have to stay home rather than going and doing fun things. And I don’t always get to buy the trendy clothes that I like. As an adult, that’s just the reality of things. Having a teenager start to fund their own lifestyle is an important life lesson regarding responsibility. 

Post # 38
Member
6889 posts
Busy Beekeeper

So, I 100% think your mom sounds a bit crazy and definitely overbearing. But I think you are playing with fire trying to manipulate HER into paying for your dress. She already laid out her stipulations (which I don’t agree with), and said this is how I want it if you want me to pay. You are trying to be sneaky and go behind her back and still try to get her to pay, but also have it your way. It’s coming off really entitled. If you want it your way, decline her money. Perhaps she will still gift it at the end, or still offer to pay when you go with a big group. But I think what you’re trying to do back to her is kind of shady. 

Post # 39
Member
9568 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

kmmq72 :  geeez I got to the part where you said you can’t actually trust they have any money and they may convince you to overspend and the  last minute tell you you’re on your own… why are you accepting their offer? just plan the wedding you can afford, so you know you won’t be blindsided last minute and so your mom has less leverage when she tries to guilt trip you.

Post # 40
Member
3015 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Why are you so against declining your crazy mom’s money? We declined DH’s crazy mom’s money and yes it meant I was wearing a cheap polyester satin dress from David’s Bridal and the tables had candle centerpieces instead of floral ones but it made our lives so much easier. 

Yes, weddings cost a lot of money, but your sanity is priceless. We can help you cut costs and work within your new budget. 

Post # 41
Member
2444 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Your mom sounds seriously crazy.  Like, a diagnosable personality disorder like Narcissism.  Everything is always 100% about them and when they don’t get their way, it’s because the world is out to get them and they are a victim.  Does that sound familiar?

I would do some research online about how to deal with overbearing narcissists for parents and how to disengage.

Also, I suspect this is just the tip of the iceberg.  Next it’s going to be the guest list, and seating arrangements, etc etc.  You should do some deep thinking about what you’d rather do, take their money and deal with this during the whole wedding planning process, or start to disengage more and pay for the wedding yourself.  Definitely pros and cons to both side.

Post # 42
Member
2191 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I suggest that you just planning to pay for the wedding. Don’t expect anything from them. Tell them that they can give you cash to go toward the wedding if they would like. Considering their lack of financial responsibility, I’d assume the amount is $0. Any amount above would be a pleasant surprise. This way you can make your own decisions. 

Working at 16 for your own stuff is not unusual. I also worked so I would have money for clothes and gas. 

 

Post # 43
Member
1405 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I went back and read your other posts about your mom, and obviously she has a jealousy issue with your future in-laws and that is probably where this issue is coming from-you want to invite your Future Mother-In-Law. Your mom got upset that you went to them for house related things, she was mad that your Future Mother-In-Law was your Catholic sponsor. Also the whole thing about inviting your SIL to be in the wedding party but not your brother. I am of the opinion that fair does not mean equal when it comes to family (it’s said a lot here). If you family has been crappy to you and your in-laws are great, it makes sense that you will want to be around ILs more. Seems like they are very involved in the wedding, are they helping pay at all? You don’t have to have a relationship with your family, you can set boundaries as much as you want, but still they deserve a say if they are paying with their money. You either pay or don’t and go by their rules. It sucks that sometimes “gifts” come with strings attached, I know. My ILs suck and they offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner, we declined but they were insistent. We let them and SMIL took over the entire thing and made everything her way, totally opposite from what was best for our guests and what I wanted so we just told them no thanks, we want it a certain way and will pay if necessary. They ended up paying regardless and it’s just something they can hold over our heads. Wishing I never took their money, wasn’t worth it!

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