- 4 years ago
Hello Dear Bees! I am a May Bee and have found plenty of good advice from these boards. I am now facing an unpleasant situation and would love some input from you.
We are celebrating our wedding in the next month, and it is a destination wedding. I spent months looking for a great planner early last year, and finally settled on this person who has excellent reviews and who seemed to hit it off with me during our Skype chats. We had really fallen in love with a venue that provided food, so we booked a service with her where she’d take care of other vendors and also be our day-of coordinator.
I created a Pinterest board, started sending ideas, etc. I started noticing that she was forgetting things that I had told her various times. For example, we told her we are only having a Maid of Honor and no bridesmaids, and yet she asked me how many bouquets to get for the bridesmaids several times over the course of six months. As another example, I told her various times that I wanted to use gold accents for the decor (and sent her photos), but she would keep saying silver accents – even after I repeatedly said I didn’t want silver. About 8 weeks prior to the wedding date, after months of discussing the pale spring color scheme, she sent us a “summary” of our wedding with colors I had never mentioned (deep orange, purple). At this point, I kinda freaked out a little bit and sent her an email asking if we could go over the entire plan to make sure there were no misunderstandings or miscommunications. I wondered if something was getting lost in translation, but she speaks excellent English and also a lot of the wedding ideas are on my Pinterest board. I thought maybe she was stressed or getting us confused with another wedding, so I wanted to clear up any misunderstandings.
At the same time this happened, we discovered that our venue was being uncooperative in terms of menu planning and of communicating to the planner where we could set up, etc. Our planner emailed us to loop us in on the issue, and we sent out an email asking both the planner and the venue manager to please get in synch because it was a bit crazy that we were 2 months away from the big day (after planning for over a year) and some basic things were not yet decided.
From that point on, our planner has been really weird with us. She got very offended by the email I sent asking to go over details and said that she was not sure if she could work with the venue we’d chosen (or with us, because we had “personally attacked her”). She said she wanted nothing to do with menu planning and that we were on our own to coordinate the food, drinks, and service with the venue. She pointed to our contract which said we’d chosen the venue ourselves, but the contract also says she will gladly work with vendors chosen by the couple to ensure a smooth coordination on the wedding day. In order to not upset her further, we decided to do the menu planning with the venue directly, all the way from USA. We also apologized profusely (although we never personally attacked her, we just asked whether she had understood what we were going for) because we were afraid she would quit and leave us hanging. I couldn’t eat for like 2 days thinking about it, since our guests already booked their flights and we are so close to the wedding date.
Now, she seems very annoyed when we email her or if we ask to Skype with her. When we spoke to go over the decor details, she was very curt and speaking under her breath in her native language, which I do not understand. Her demeanor in emails has changed completely – she used to be very cheerful, but now she is abrupt and a little passive aggressive. We asked her for recommendations for certain things and she said she is unable to help us because she does not know and “Sorry” but then says “thank you so much for your email” and stuff like that which sounds a bit disingenious.
I am really saddened by the whole thing, because it is souring my wedding planning and I was really enjoying it before. The most recent thing happened last night, when I checked her blog and she posted something that was tips for planning a wedding and one of the items said something like: “a bride should not micromanage her planner and treat her like a criminal” and also said that a bride’s wedding is hopefully a once in a lifetime event (wow?) and to just chill out. I get it. I don’t like to micromanage people at ALL and that is why I hired a great planner to take care of everything. I also prepared a detailed Pinterest so she’d have a clear idea of what I was looking for – but for some reason, she keeps getting stuff mixed up, so I have to confirm that we are on the same page!
At this point I am afraid to say anything to her that will upset her.
She sent an email saying that she was going to do a mock-up of a table setting and take photos for me (her offer – I never asked her to do that) and that she has never done anything like that for other couples because they trust her, but she doesn’t want any misunderstandings. It’s little passive-aggressive stuff like that, not really direct confrontation, but little comments that come across as being a bit nasty.
In the same vein, we are a few weeks away from the wedding and during a call today she misstated the number of guests we have (by 5 guests, but still) when preparing to put in a rental order. Our number of guests has not changed for months and we have gone over this number several times, but I was afraid to call her out on this, and just said “Oh, you know, we thought we’d have a few extra, but no, still the same number we talked about.” If I hadn’t corrected her, we would have rented an additional 10 of everything and paid for that when we didn’t need it. So, she hates being micromanaged but is not doing anything to help me believe she’s got the correct info.
So…. very long post! But, do you have any advice on how I should proceed and deal with this? At this point, I really don’t care whether things look the way I envisioned them – the day is not about that, it’s about marrying the love of my life. Still, I am finding it really hard not to let this affect my mood, my stress levels, and it is preventing me from enjoying the planning. I am afraid and walking on eggshells around my planner. You guys, I was even afraid to post this out of fear she would find out 🙁 I just hate all of the underlying animosity and drama – I am a very direct person and would appreciate knowing if I did something wrong or if I am a super demanding Bridezilla that deserves to be treated this way. Just have a bad feeling about it all and it is unpleasant. I need to get a grip. Please help?