Post # 1
This is going to be kinda long.. please bare with me. )=
So.. My wedding is coming up (date above) and literally.. NOTHING is planned.. (only the dress has been bought) why? Money.
My parents are ready and willing to pay for the wedding (whole-shebang) which I greatly appreciate. (will go into this in more detail) but they have this notion that the wedding should be half-half paid. As in half from my family and half from Fiance family. At first I was like.. ok.. sure. Then the more Fiance tried to talk to his parents a.k.a. my Future Mother-In-Law Future Father-In-Law they always come to the conclusion there just isn’t any money for it. I understand. Money is pretty tight in my family too so I get it.
However my parents just don’t get it. My mom is dead set on half-half wedding. Why? I don’t know.. they feel that since Fiance is FMIL/FFIL first eldest son that they should contribute to the wedding regardless of money issues or not. WHAT? I don’t just understand my parents. How are they going to help when they literally have no money to contribute? Is it going to fall out of the sky or grow on trees? Their logic just escapes me.
Now before we go on judging me or what not on ‘why don’t YOU and Fiance pay for the wedding????’ well.. TBH I don’t want the wedding. I think that spend so much on ONE day is pretty obsurd. That money spent on a wedding could be our savings for our future life together and our tobe family. I would rather much have a very small civil ceremony. Just me Fiance and our familys. DONE DEAL.
Only thing holding us back.. MY parents. I am their only daugther (I have a older brother) and I completely understand that they want to have a wedding ceremony for me because well isn’t it always a dad’s dream to walk her little girl down the aisle yeah?
I just don’t know what to do.. Fiance said he is more than willing to pay for the portion that my mom just automatically assumes should be their half but I just don’t want Fiance to drop that much on ONE day. I rather have him save that for our future. Is this selfish of me? Am I doing the wrong thing by NOT letting him pay for “their half(SMH)”?
I keep trying to tell my mom that I would love a small justfamily/superclosefriends ONLY wedding but she has it set in her mind that it’s go big or don’t go at all.
Yes she threaten that there will be NO MARRIAGE if this wedding does not happen. WTF? I honestly don’t see what a wedding ceremony has anything to do with me wanting to spend the rest of my life with the love of my life.
Here’s another kicker. I asked her why we needed to have this wedding? She said because I need to get ‘repaid’ back for all those weddings that I attended to (her friends) and get my share (for lack of better words). Does this sound normal to you guys? I wish I could put the logic that is going into my mom’s head into mine so I can kinda understand what it is that’s going on in her mind.
I’ve thought countless times of just eloping with Fiance but I couldn’t imagine what would happen between me, Fiance, his family and my family. ._.
I AM STUCK. I have been stressed like none other because this has been the issue for the last 2 months.
Post # 3
Ask your parents how much money they can put toward the wedding, and then look if it’s possible to plan the wedding with that much. Then explain to your parents that since his parents CANNOT contribute, and the money they are GRACIOUSLY offering will only cover so much, it makes more sense to have a very small wedding.
Post # 4
I think if your paretns have saved money for your wedding, I would let them know that if they want to have a wedding for you, they can but you want to have a say. I would also be very direct and state up front that FI’s family does not have the $$ for a wedding and you guys would prefer to save for a house and not host a wedding so this will become their financial burden. That said, you mentioned they don’t have so much money so if the $$ is not there, I would not let my parents throw me a wedding.
Post # 5
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Your Mother does not get to decide when and how you get married unless she is footing the entire bill. It’s time to sit her down for a hard conversation about your boundaries that she is not allowed to cross. You are an adult making and adult decision, and it’s high time to assert your independence. Tell her that there will be a small courthouse ceremony on x date at y time, and that you and your SO will host a small lunch/dinner at restaurant z after the ceremony for immediate family. You would love it if she would come, but you understand if your plans do not work with hers and she will be missed. The end.
Post # 6
“She said because I need to get ‘repaid’ back for all those weddings that I attended to (her friends) and get my share (for lack of better words). Does this sound normal to you guys? “
Yeah, my mom has that mentality. She’s been to so many baby showers she was so keen on raking it in for my sister’s baby showers and was diasspointed when she did not.
My advice to you is to take full reigns (financially and planning). Tell your mother that you very much appreciate her generous offer, but you’d like the plan the wedding that YOU guys wants with your money. Then go plan your intimate wedding (which sounds so lovely). If you want your mom to be involved at some level, tell her she can decorate the tables at the restaurant that YOU choose. GIve her something small to do. Don’t let “only daughter” be used an excuse!’
If they had money set aside, then can make that the wedding gift.
I cannot imagine the stress you would have to endure if you continued with the current game plan!
Post # 7
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
They’re not willing to compromise, and you’re not comfortable with the wedding at all. Your mother sounds like a very selfish person and if it really means that much to her to have the reception, tell her SHE can pay for ALL of it, AFTER you have the wedding of YOUR dreams.
I would pick a date at the local courthouse, make reservations at a nice restaurant for that night, and mail out homemade invitations 2 weeks prior (or 1 week, to save yourself the extra week’s headache). Anyone who supports your marriage will be there.
Post # 8
Woman-up, elope, and be done with it. This isn’t your mother’s wedding…it’s your’s.
Post # 9
My philosophy is that people can only make unreasonable demands if they’re willing to pay for them. Your mother can’t tell your future in-laws what to do with their money, and unless she’s willing to foot the entire bill (and you decide to humor her) she doesn’t get to dictate the particulars of your wedding. She cannot threaten that there will be no marriage; that’s not up to her. I agree with the PP – plan the wedding that you want and can pay for. If that’s a civil service with cupcakes for twenty people afterwards, great. If it’s a small wedding in your backyard with just family, awesome. Plan what you want, send her an invitation and stand strong through the inevitable shitstorm that will follow.
She might be grumpy with you for a while, but she will get over it. And I think it’s really starting your marriage off on the right foot. If she’s this controlling about one day, what else is she super-controlling about? Standing up for yourself and your fiance’s desires and financial abilities sets a good precedent.
Post # 10
- Wedding: May 2012 - Salvage One, Chicago
You say, “My parents are ready and willing to pay for the wedding (whole-shebang)” …which apparently isn’t true- they just want to pay for half the wedding. There seems to be a disconnect between what they’re saying and what they expect to happen. Since there’s no way for your FI’s family to contribute, my only advice it so try to get them to see reason that the money they are offering would be all that you have to work with. Their gift shouldn’t be contingent about what FI’s family can give, should it?
Post # 11
“Yes she threaten that there will be NO MARRIAGE if this wedding does not happen.”
Yeah what is up with her threatening “there will be no marriage?” Does your mom like to control you?
Of course there can be a marriage! She just doesn’t get to have the party she wants. The only daughter crap is emotional blackmail. She’s trying to guilt you into getting what she wants and even using a threat of “no marriage!” if you don’t comply.
Here is my armchair therapist suggestion: Read this book:
Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward
Post # 12
” isn’t it always a dad’s dream to walk her little girl down the aisle yeah?”
Well it wasn’t my dad’s dream per se, but your dad can still do this with an intimate wedding that you had in mind.
Post # 13
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Elope. It sounds like your mom is going to have a lot of conditions and if you really read these boards, the Bees go crazy over mom’s with purse strings for the wedding.
If mom doesn’t like the idea of you eloping then…
Post # 14
I would absolutely elope. It’s nice that you’re taking your mother’s feelings into consideration when aggreeing to have the wedding…but if she’s not willing to compromise, then she’s forfeiting her right to see you in the big wedding. Do what YOU want. I’d straight up tell her that those are the options, then let her decide from there.
Post # 15
Honestly, I think you are being silly, your parents want to contribute half of the costs for your wedding, it’s not up to them to pay for the whole thing, accept their contribution and figure out where to get the rest elsewhere.