It clicked… mentally/emotionally abusive

posted 5 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
3515 posts
Sugar bee

This is not abuse. It’s manipulation, jealousy and paranoia. I’m so tired of the word “abuse” being thrown around so casually. Keep it up and soon the word will have no meaning. You can actually be a crappy person and crappy partner without being abusive.

Post # 3
Member
5880 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Yeah, nah. A lot of people (male and female) seem to think jealousy and Stage 10 clinger shit is cute and sexy and a sign that you’re well connected. These are all flapping red flags. He could just be testing you, though. Feeling you out to see what you do when he says these things. What does he do when you tell him you’re going to go out anyway (or when you go on and go out anyway)?

And have you directly confronted him about this pattern of his? What does he say when you have?

Post # 4
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

If it is an overall pattern combined with belittling, controlling behavior, coercive behavior and so on, it’s likely abuse. And it does sound like a pattern. Abuse doesn’t always manifest in the dramatic ways we see on tv or expect. It’s often a pattern of little things that on their own have deniability. That’s what makes it so insidious and hard to identify. It does sound like he is trying to isolate you, and that is often an abuser’s first step. Regardless of if it’s abuse or not, it’s not healthy. And you should leave. You should be with someone who isn’t manipulative or jealous or controlling. I don’t think you are overreacting. You deserve better. 

ETA: Based on what you described here, this is toxic at best. It sounds a little like the beginning stages of an abusive relationship. It’s hard to say with certainty without knowing more. But if you are ever asking yourself if something is abuse or not, that means it is time to leave. Even if it’s not, that relationship is so bad that it’s time to move on. Toxic relationships are never worth staying in. I 100% think you should leave.

Post # 5
Member
310 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

This is possessive, manipulative, and controlling behavior. It’s a no from me.

Post # 6
Member
2221 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

beeeyonce :  Yeeeah, that is total bullshit. 

Trying to isolate you from your friends is classic abuser behavior. As is the kind of monitoring and vigilance he conducts around your body. 

The emotional blackmail: 

me: hey I’m going to go and stay at x house tonight  I will see you in morning 

him: I’m having severe anxiety attacks and need you to come home or else I’m going to have to take myself to hospital 

The Manipulation:

me: do you have any plans for the rest of the night?

him: no I’m almost ready for bed

me: I’m not tired I might go and see x 

him: all I have wanted all day is to hang out with you and now we finally have time to hang out you’re leaving me here 

The Invasive Scrutiny of Your Body and Activities:

-Why did you shave, who are you actually going to see you don’t ever do that 

-Why are you wearing that perfume? Who are you going to see where are you going?

– ‘Why did you scrub yourself in disinfectant I can smell it’ ‘I didn’t’ ‘well you did because I can smell it in the bathroom, what are you trying to scrub off your skin’

Are ALL inappropriate voilations of your autonomy, and deeply disrespectful. 

I don’t know how long you’ve been with this person, and if he’s always been this way, but this sounds like a preamble to something worse. You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. Neither of which he is doing. 

A person who will act this way to get what they want from you will often escalate their demands. He’s complaining about friend X, soon it is anyone other than him. Should you protest, or refuse to be manipulated, his threats or attempt to guilt trip you will amplify. 

I would not personally stay with someone who acted the ways you describe. His behavior is inappropriate and unkind.  In all likelihood, it will get worse. The fact this is only now occurring to you is part of the nature of the slow build of the abuser. The more confident they are you will not leave, the more aggressive they become with their demands. 

All that said, none of this needs to rise to the threshold of “abuse” to be unacceptable to you. You can walk away, even if it never gets worse, and he’s just exceedingly bad at communicating in a mature healthy way about his insecurities. 

You have permission to end ANY relationship. Not just ones where things have evolved to abuse. 

Free yourself to live your life as you see fit without his attempts to stifle and control you. 

 

 

Post # 7
Member
228 posts
Helper bee

The question is: if your friend defies him and goes out anyway, what are the consequences? Will he lose his temper and start getting physical or will he have a mature discussion expressing that he still has trust issues? If it is the former, I say yes…that’s clearly abuse. If it is the latter, they need to communicate. Also of note: being verbally belligerent or overly controlling is abuse. Words can be worse than fists. Personally, I think this situation has gone past the point of mere communication issues. If he’s wanting to isolate you from friends, run hard and fast the other direction. It will NOT get better. 

Post # 8
Member
772 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think this seems like abuse based off what you said, but it doesn’t have to be abuse for you to walk away. There are lots of red flags with that behavior that are not acceptable 

Post # 9
Member
2855 posts
Sugar bee

On its own I wouldn’t call this abuse.

But that does NOT make it ok. This is controlling, manipulative and isolating bullshit nonsense. And it’s the type of behaviour that can escalate into something more serious. How long have you been dating? 

Post # 10
Member
1392 posts
Bumble bee

Wait, I’m confused. You’re posting this for a female? What’s the thing at the end about shaving? Shaving her legs? Her boyfriend is asking her why she shaved her legs because she never does that? And why is she sleeping over other people’s houses? I’m not blaming her, but I don’t know people who live together but in any normal way stay over at friends’ houses. 

Regardless, this is isolation from friends and a very bad sign. 

Post # 11
Member
6214 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I don’t understand the need to define something as “abusive.” How about coming to the realization that the boyfriend is an asshole and you’re leaving him? Do you need it to be abuse to justify leaving? No, of course not. You can leave for any reason you please, and if this behavior doesn’t sit right with you, then walk away. Not every controlling asshole is grooming someone for later abuse; sometimes they’re just controlling assholes.

Post # 12
Member
9573 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

All that matters is he’s shitty.

Post # 14
Member
2367 posts
Buzzing bee

You definitely don’t need to define this as abuse to feel the need to leave, but manipulation, isolation, and the controlling behavior you are experiencing is the definition of emotional abuse.

Get out now as this will only escalate.

 

Post # 15
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee

Just an immature jerk. 

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