It drives me bonkers!

posted 3 weeks ago in Babies
Post # 2
Member
9460 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

At 32 I would not be okay with putting off kids for 4-5 years. I would have a serious conversation with him about your future. If your goals/timelines don’t match up then it may be time to move on.

Post # 3
Member
1754 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I agree that is a long time to put off wanting to have kids. Initially my husband wanted to do the same, wait until the finished his part time MBA program before we had kids, but realizing how old we were (I am 36 and we just got married) he realized this was not an option. Now that he is in the program, he got all of the hard classes out of the way, that require a lot of homework, etc. while we were still dating and is doing the electives and some of the “easier” classes now. Plus, now that he is in it he can see that it is not as much work as he thought and he is learning to prioritize more and focus on homework when he has free time. He is also doubling up on classes this fall to get it done a little more quickly. 

There are a lot of options, and you need to talk with your SO about all of your time lines. As for your baby fever, it will ebb and flow, so don’t worry too much now! 

Post # 4
Member
7907 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Your fears are valid, but at the same time if he’s not going to be ready for 4-5 years, that’s also valid. You just need to talk to him and see if you can get on the same page. Many guys don’t really grasp the whole “bio clock” thing we ladies have going on since men can impregnante women til they drop dead, virtually. Maybe show your boyfriend some statistics about how fertility gradually drops as women approach 40 and see if that will impact his thinking.

Post # 5
Member
3514 posts
Sugar bee

We had a baby while my husband was in school getting a dual degree (undergrad and master’s in 5 years) in Aerospace Engineering. I mention the degree, because it was hard AF and took up all his time. I took on the majority of the household work and taking care of baby during this time while also working full time. It sucked, but I didn’t want to wait. My son was 100% worth those hard couple of years. It can be done. I find that my husband easily gets overwhelmed at the thought of more than one big “event” taking up his headspace. Patience, discussion, and planning can go a long way.

I obviously would not want to wait either, especially when you don’t know how long it will take to get pregnant.

Post # 6
Member
6389 posts
Bee Keeper

I wouldn’t want to wait that long you have no idea if you’re going to struggle in getting pregnant or not, but I also wouldn’t want to start having my first at 36/37 if I wanted another one.

Post # 7
Member
14889 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I would definitely want want to wait 4-5 years at age 32.  Plenty of people go to school and have kids.. it’s not easy, and a lot of the work may fall on you if you’re ok with that, but I certainly wouldn’t put kids on hold for school if you want kids.  If I were 22, or 25? Sure, no problem.  32?  Hard pass, espeically if you want more than 1.  And FWIW, we started TTC at 32 and I finally had my son 6 years later.  If we had waited 4-5 years at 32 and it took this long, there probably woud have been a lot of resentment toward him for those 4-5 year…. and well, I probably wouoldnt have a bio choice cause my eggs probably would have been completely worthless by then.  We thought we wanted 2 or 3, but maybe just 2 now, if that.. cause I dont want to be having a newborn in my mid 40’s.  Some people do, but it’s just not something I feel like I want to do.

Post # 8
Member
6358 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

As someone who didn’t have one until 36 and will have her second (last) at 38, he needs to reconsider his timeline. You may need to take on a bigger role with the baby. He may need to rock it to sleep while reading a textbook, but I wouldn’t wait if it was avoidable. Younger generally means quicker, more energy, etc. I love my guy but man do I wish he was my last rather than my first. 

My cousin is completing nursing school with two toddlers and a wife who is a nurse already. If they can manage a schedule like that, so can you guys. But of course it’s something you both need to agree on, not get pushed into. Maybe give it a year or so, as mentioned above he can try taking the busier courses first to get them out of the way. Itd be a fair compromise. 

Post # 9
Member
6121 posts
Bee Keeper

I would not be comfortable with waiting 4-5 years, especially if you want 3 children. Perhaps he needs to visit the OB/GYN with you for a lesson in human fertility. 

Is it possible he just can’t imagine being a parent any time soon? Because people do manage to work, go to school and be parents. 

Post # 11
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

nolongersure32 :  To me it sounds like he is not really keen to have kids at all in the present and near future? If you really want kids, you should ideally try for one before you reach 35, which is considered an advanced maternal age. If you really do end up waiting for him to be ready in X years and miss the boat altogether, I’m afraid you would resent him for the rest of your life.

Post # 12
Member
224 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

nolongersure32 :  My friend just turned 39 and has been trying to conceive for 2 years with zero success.  She had two abortions in her 20’s, so she definitely was fertile.

Yes it’s possible to conceive in your 30’s all the way through to your 40s (my grandma had her last child 50 years ago at 43) but not for all women, and you don’t know which camp you’ll be in until you are there.

Honestly, I wouldn’t wait as long as he’s asking you to.  

 

Post # 13
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2019

nolongersure32 :   

If he’s open to it it means he might be open to consider it one day. Maybe. Which means until you push for it, he won’t be ready – and you shouldn’t be pushing for such an important thing. I am sorry but it sounds like it will end up with you being resentful because you’ve waited too long. 

And look, my husband and I knew we wanted kids. However, he’s going to be 40 soon. We moved to a new Country 8 months ago, I work full time, he hasn’t found a job yet, we’re both doing an executive MBA and I am 2 months pregnant. I had 0 problems with it, my husband has 0 problems with it. Not the ideal situation, but we do have savings and we don’t want to wait until everything works out perfectly. 

You want someone who is completely onboard, because you’ll have to share a loooot of crap (figuratively and literally). Mentioning pregnant ladies in their 40s sounds like a way to stall.

Post # 14
Member
4491 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

You’re ready to plan for a family, hes not. You are long-distance dating for almost a year and a half and he is giving you a vague 5 year plan where he’s “open” to the thought of having kids with you. I would be reconsidering the relationship at this time. Good luck.

Post # 15
Member
1355 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

He’s open to it = no 

if he wanted to have kids with you, he would say so. 

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