Post # 1
I swear if I don’t get my baby fever under control I’m going to go nuts… Seriously!
I’ve always known that I wanted to be a mom someday, but I didn’t start to take it seriously until I turned about 26/27 and have been broken up with a ex for a while. Since I knew exactly what I wanted, I was rather selective while dating. Well, now at age 32 I’ve been in a happy relationship with a man three years my junior for over a year and 5 months. I thought it was going well. However, my boyfriend wants to add a master to his credentials and intends to do it part time and before having kids. Now I have nothing against improving themselves, but doing it part time means putting off kids for another 4-5 years and faced with that prospect, my baby fever worsened and I feel like I can’t handle either of those. It would put me at age 37 when we start TTC and we do want 3 kids. I’d rather prefer starting earlier since you never know what kind of dice you’ll get with fertility. I thought in 2 years would be a good time and I feel able to put it off that long, but not 4-5 years. And the baby fever does not help things! I’m going to have to have a talk with him soon to see if he’s serious about that.
Bees, were you ever in a similar situation and what did you do or what would you do in my shoes????
Post # 2
At 32 I would not be okay with putting off kids for 4-5 years. I would have a serious conversation with him about your future. If your goals/timelines don’t match up then it may be time to move on.
Post # 3
I agree that is a long time to put off wanting to have kids. Initially my husband wanted to do the same, wait until the finished his part time MBA program before we had kids, but realizing how old we were (I am 36 and we just got married) he realized this was not an option. Now that he is in the program, he got all of the hard classes out of the way, that require a lot of homework, etc. while we were still dating and is doing the electives and some of the “easier” classes now. Plus, now that he is in it he can see that it is not as much work as he thought and he is learning to prioritize more and focus on homework when he has free time. He is also doubling up on classes this fall to get it done a little more quickly.
There are a lot of options, and you need to talk with your SO about all of your time lines. As for your baby fever, it will ebb and flow, so don’t worry too much now!
Post # 4
Your fears are valid, but at the same time if he’s not going to be ready for 4-5 years, that’s also valid. You just need to talk to him and see if you can get on the same page. Many guys don’t really grasp the whole “bio clock” thing we ladies have going on since men can impregnante women til they drop dead, virtually. Maybe show your boyfriend some statistics about how fertility gradually drops as women approach 40 and see if that will impact his thinking.
Post # 5
We had a baby while my husband was in school getting a dual degree (undergrad and master’s in 5 years) in Aerospace Engineering. I mention the degree, because it was hard AF and took up all his time. I took on the majority of the household work and taking care of baby during this time while also working full time. It sucked, but I didn’t want to wait. My son was 100% worth those hard couple of years. It can be done. I find that my husband easily gets overwhelmed at the thought of more than one big “event” taking up his headspace. Patience, discussion, and planning can go a long way.
I obviously would not want to wait either, especially when you don’t know how long it will take to get pregnant.
Post # 6
I wouldn’t want to wait that long you have no idea if you’re going to struggle in getting pregnant or not, but I also wouldn’t want to start having my first at 36/37 if I wanted another one.
Post # 7
I would definitely want want to wait 4-5 years at age 32. Plenty of people go to school and have kids.. it’s not easy, and a lot of the work may fall on you if you’re ok with that, but I certainly wouldn’t put kids on hold for school if you want kids. If I were 22, or 25? Sure, no problem. 32? Hard pass, espeically if you want more than 1. And FWIW, we started TTC at 32 and I finally had my son 6 years later. If we had waited 4-5 years at 32 and it took this long, there probably woud have been a lot of resentment toward him for those 4-5 year…. and well, I probably wouoldnt have a bio choice cause my eggs probably would have been completely worthless by then. We thought we wanted 2 or 3, but maybe just 2 now, if that.. cause I dont want to be having a newborn in my mid 40’s. Some people do, but it’s just not something I feel like I want to do.
Post # 8
As someone who didn’t have one until 36 and will have her second (last) at 38, he needs to reconsider his timeline. You may need to take on a bigger role with the baby. He may need to rock it to sleep while reading a textbook, but I wouldn’t wait if it was avoidable. Younger generally means quicker, more energy, etc. I love my guy but man do I wish he was my last rather than my first.
My cousin is completing nursing school with two toddlers and a wife who is a nurse already. If they can manage a schedule like that, so can you guys. But of course it’s something you both need to agree on, not get pushed into. Maybe give it a year or so, as mentioned above he can try taking the busier courses first to get them out of the way. Itd be a fair compromise.
Post # 9
I would not be comfortable with waiting 4-5 years, especially if you want 3 children. Perhaps he needs to visit the OB/GYN with you for a lesson in human fertility.
Is it possible he just can’t imagine being a parent any time soon? Because people do manage to work, go to school and be parents.
Post # 10
An update: I’ve had a talk with my boyfriend tonight. I mainly wanted to get my facts straight. What’s actually in his plans and stuff. He told me if he ends up commiting to doing his master that his company would offer sponsorship for, he’d have to do it while working full time and studying part time through online classes or evening classes. He’s not sure if he wants to commit to it yet as it means he’d have to stay with that employer for a few more years after completion. He’d be looking at staying with his employer for around 8 years or so. Luckily it is a huge company, so he’d not be stuck at one place. However, it also means either extending our long-distance relationship or my moving to him wherever that may be. He’s also aware of the issue of kids. He’d rather prefer not to do kids, work and study at the same time as it would be difficult. Though, he does know that it is possible. There is always a way when you look for it. Still he’d prefer putting it off until he’s done which would be around 4, 5 years later. Needless to say, I wasn’t happy with that even if I do support him in his endeavours to turn his life around. I even asked him straight out if he wants kids with me. His answer? He’s open to it. Which is not quite a yes, but not a no either. To me that’s… not making it easier for me. I’d have prefered a straight yes or no.
Anyway, I did give him a heads up as to what putting it off would mean for me fertility-wise: I’d be 37/38 by then and that alone is a long time to wait. Fertility is also always a gamble. Best case scenario: We’d pull a goalie the first month we TTC. Worst case scenario: We’d not be able to get pregnant a long time, maybe even have to do IVF which is an expensive endeavor and not money I really want to have to spend it on unnecessarily. Especially when there is really no good reason to put it off that long. We could also be trying until I’m forty and by that time it is most likely too late. And that is a scenario that I’m absolutely not ok with and it’s one that is more likely to happen the older I get. He mentioned pregnant ladies in their 40ies. Good lord…I was dismayed. I know there are women getting pregnant until mid 40ies, but one never knows if that happened naturally or by intervention. Also the press about it is not particularly helpful. They make it seem like the biological clock can be extended which is NOT true. I told him that. I wish there weren’t articles like that floating around. Or that they at least give all the information, not picking just the good things about that. The norm is still to start trying when you’re in your twenties or thirties.
Anyway he wanted to then know when I’d like to start trying. I’ve been telling him for a while already that I was fine waiting until I’m 34 trying for our first, but no longer than that. He’s going to take that and my age into consideration while he’s thinking about what he wants to do. Which is good, but it does mean I still have to pay attention to what he actually ends up doing. It’s not a done deal yet. And I have to decide how long I’m okay with waiting until he knows and at what point I should just throw in the towel. Decisions, decisions.
Post # 11
nolongersure32 : To me it sounds like he is not really keen to have kids at all in the present and near future? If you really want kids, you should ideally try for one before you reach 35, which is considered an advanced maternal age. If you really do end up waiting for him to be ready in X years and miss the boat altogether, I’m afraid you would resent him for the rest of your life.
Post # 12
nolongersure32 : My friend just turned 39 and has been trying to conceive for 2 years with zero success. She had two abortions in her 20’s, so she definitely was fertile.
Yes it’s possible to conceive in your 30’s all the way through to your 40s (my grandma had her last child 50 years ago at 43) but not for all women, and you don’t know which camp you’ll be in until you are there.
Honestly, I wouldn’t wait as long as he’s asking you to.
Post # 13
If he’s open to it it means he might be open to consider it one day. Maybe. Which means until you push for it, he won’t be ready – and you shouldn’t be pushing for such an important thing. I am sorry but it sounds like it will end up with you being resentful because you’ve waited too long.
And look, my husband and I knew we wanted kids. However, he’s going to be 40 soon. We moved to a new Country 8 months ago, I work full time, he hasn’t found a job yet, we’re both doing an executive MBA and I am 2 months pregnant. I had 0 problems with it, my husband has 0 problems with it. Not the ideal situation, but we do have savings and we don’t want to wait until everything works out perfectly.
You want someone who is completely onboard, because you’ll have to share a loooot of crap (figuratively and literally). Mentioning pregnant ladies in their 40s sounds like a way to stall.
Post # 14
You’re ready to plan for a family, hes not. You are long-distance dating for almost a year and a half and he is giving you a vague 5 year plan where he’s “open” to the thought of having kids with you. I would be reconsidering the relationship at this time. Good luck.
Post # 15
He’s open to it = no
if he wanted to have kids with you, he would say so.