It drives me bonkers!

posted 4 months ago in Babies
Post # 16
10695 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

nolongersure32 :  

Allow me to come at this from a bit of a different angle.

My mother was 42, my father was 44 when I hatched.  I was definitely not part of their plans.

I will preface my comments by saying that they were horrid, abusive parents in every way, which had nothing to do with their ages. But, their ages also did nothing to improve the situation.

At their ages, childish things were just annoying.  My father had no priors, but he was the oldest of five. He was no stranger to children.  

Neither of my parents had any interest in playing with me.  Whether that was age related, or just their pathological self absorption, I don’t know.  I was the very model of a poised, well behaved young lady. They had it easy.

I was functionally an only child. My sister from another mister was grown and married by then.  She’s a great mom of five, btw.

Always keep in mind that children travel in herds.  You only think you have just three.

Irrespective of all of the personal madness of my own parents; having teenagers when you are in your mid to late fifties can be pretty challenging. I had teenage stepkids with my ex when I was in my 40s and it was rough. You must consecrate yourself to dropping them off and picking them up. If you’re not at work or sleeping, you’re dropping off and picking up.  

As they get older, the dropping off and picking up stretches into later hours, like when you should be sleeping.

You may think your burdens are lifted when they get their licenses.  If only.  Your insurance bill goes stratospheric and you can’t fall asleep until they get home safely.

My real point is that you would need enormous amounts of energy and stamina at points in your life when you start to value peace and quiet.  You can’t have that with adolescents.

Another collateral consequence is not really having a peer group.  The other kids’ parents will be different in terms of life experience and career advancement. It’s hard to predict how well you might mesh.

I think if I were in your place, I would need a more definitive statement and a firm timeline.  The decision to have children or not is really non negotiable. There is no middle ground.  It’s a yes or no question. 

Post # 17
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

He isn’t a child he is 29! He should know if he wants to have kids with you. It should be a yes, I’m so excited to have kids with you just not right this moment. 

My dad was 35 when my brother was born, he said it sucked because by the time my brother was older and in sports he wasn’t able to do all the physical things, with him, catch, basketball, soccer, like he would have if he were younger. He was 10 year younger with my oldest sister and said the difference was huge! He wasn’t able to be the dad he wanted to be with my brother. I think the same applies to moms. 

Post # 18
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I’m 32 and have been TTC unsuccessfully for 2.5 years. It sucks, but if this was 4-5 years later I’d be really resentful if my D.H had held us back.

With your update though, I don’t even know if your boyfriend sees you in his future at all? Sorry if that’s harsh but he’s making these decisions for the next 4-5 years based on his job and what HE wants to do, nowhere does he seem to factor in your wants and needs, sure he’s happy for you to come stay with him but how does that affect your life if you have to move away so the relationship isn’t long distance?

before you have children I think you need to be acting as more of a unit and making these decisions together, both caring about the other’s needs as much as your own. If that can’t happen then I think you may need to move on. How would you feel if you waited 4-5 years and then he said he doesn’t want kids. Or worse, doesn’t want them with you, and he moves on and has kids with someone else when your fertility is likely fading fast.

At the very most I’d wait a year for him, and if there wasn’t a clear indication of where you and your future family together fit into his plans by then, I think I’d have to leave.

Post # 19
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

sassy411 :  That’s very anecdotal.  My father had me in his late 20s and my step-siblings in his late 30s/early 40s.  He’s a much better father to my siblings than he was to me (he was in party stage when I was a kid, now he’s mellowed out to a devoted family man).  If I were to apply my experience, I’d say that people are much better parents when they have their children later in life. 



Post # 20
3832 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Ooh that is tough. ‘I’m open to it’ is extremely non-committal. It means he doesn’t categorically NOT want kids but he doesn’t want to give any serious thought to it at the moment. Which leaves you in limbo. You have given him a very clear timeline of trying when you’re 34 but no later. If he disagrees with that timeline he needs to let you know, or commit to upholding it. 

While some women do get pregnant in their 40s, that’s usually because for whatever reason they didn’t get the opportunity to have kids earlier. It’s not usually the PLAN to be pregnant after 40. And if you want three of them, that would be a very foolish plan. I think women are much more aware of timelines that me because it’s OUR bodies that will be affected. I had to explain to my husband how you need to think of how many kids you would ideally have by what age and count back to figure out the latest age you want to start trying. It had never occured to him before to think that far ahead.  


Post # 21
8548 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

He does not want to have kids with you. Don’t waste your best and hopefully fertile years waitng for him to make up his mind. 

Post # 22
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

ladyvk :  This 100%!!

My ex would always talk about getting married and having kids “someday”. SEVEN YEARS later he still wasnt ready. Finally proposed as I was literally on my way out the door ugh.

Someday/open to it = No for now, we’ll see what I think in a few years

Bee, you do not have years of your life to waste. This guy is not on the same page with you, I would move on.

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