- 2 years ago
- Wedding: July 2012
Some of you might remember me from last year. I lost my baby at 18.5 weeks.
I got pregnant again this year. We were really happy, but because of last time we were also apprehensive. I was being monitored and scanned every 2-3 weeks though, and was put on progesterone. Everything was looking good, and it looked like what happened last year was just very bad luck. We started to get excited and tell our friends the good news.
At about 18 weeks I noticed a bit of spotting. I called the doctor, who said it was quite common but that I could come in to get peace of mind, so we did. I had been scanned just over a week ago and everything was looking good at that point. Everything looked fine until they did an internal scan and discovered that my cervix had opened and we were again going to lose baby. It was exactly the same timing as last year, and it felt horrific to hear the news.
Again I was admitted into the ward and my husband and I were again in the in the hospital for a week, where I had excruciating contractions and was put on morphine when it got to be too much. I finally delivered – a boy – but he was too premature. I lost a lot of blood and had to go under general to have placenta removed, then had to get blood transfusions and IV antibiotics for the next two days.
Because this has happnened twice they think I have an incompetent cervix, and if I get pregnant again they would put a stitch in at 12-13 weeks. I don’t know what the odds are exactly, but I just don’t know if we can go through it again. We might be done. Not only was this experience we’ve had twice horrible, but pregnancy itself has been rough both times. I don’t know.
I’m feeling so empty, so sad, and also angry. So sad that this baby didn’t have a chance. Guilty and angry that my body can’t do what it’s meant to, and because of this the person I love the most might never be a dad. I feel defective. I’m going over things again and again, like I should have done something to prevent this and then maybe our baby would have had a chance. I’m just devastated that he died, and the worst part is that he was fine. My body just could not work properly and he had to die as soon as he was born. I saw him being taken away and I can’t get the image out of my mind. I’m angry that the future we were so excited about has disappeared. I’m angry that I have been pregnant twice but never got to experience the good parts. Next year at work just looks and feels like this pointless, vast block of time. It’s strange, but I miss our baby somehow and feel physically empty.
In all of this I am trying to remember that in lots of ways I am truly lucky. The care I got in the hospital was so great. I love where I live, I have a caring family and good friends. Most of all, I have an amazing partner who I love more than I can say. I have a great little dog. It’s just very tough right now.
I don’t really even know what I am looking for here or why I am posting. I guess I am just hurting. Thanks for reading.