Post # 1
We are 2 and a half years out and I am already having problems with the guest list and it is coming from my grandma of all people!!!!! We were just sitting there have a wedding talk free dinner and we start talking about my sister’s and cousin’s grad party and how more people just keep getting invited (this isn’t really a problem because it is a bbq and most of the bbqs my parents throw are open invitations to whoever wants to come) Well I made the joking comment “dang with all these random people, I hope we have enough food” Well my grandma replies with well you better get used to having extra food because you know some people are just going to show up at your wedding” I told her well they are more than welcome to come but with my 200 person guest list there won’t be enough food or chairs for them. And then she says “Well miss bridezilla that is why you shouldn’t invite so many people, so you have enough food for people who show up!” Um why would I not invite people who I want there in order to feed and sit people who I don’t want there and didn’t even invite?!?!?!? And then she is talking about how if they show up they are probably people who I want there but forgot… um I have 2 years to come up with this list, I’m pretty sure I’m not going to forget someone who I want there. Well I finally got her to stop talking about random people showing up but then she went onto who I am inviting and if I’m inviting my second cousin’s 7 grandchildren who will all be under 10 when the wedding comes around because she now has custody of them and I told her that no one under 13 is invited except for my flower girl who is my god daughter and she says well they are family! Um I haven’t met 5 of those kids and if I had to invite everyone who was family my guest list would be at least 350 people, just because we share very little blood does not make them my family, I would much rather invite 7 friends instead of those kids. And then she is talking about how we should invite our neighbors because it is polite, I’ve only talked to those people like 5 times in the 10 years we have lived in this house, why should I invite them???? So apparently I need to keep my guest list very small to accommodate unwanted guest but I still need to invite all my family and neighbors, does this make any sense? I cannot figure out the reasoning in any of this.
I didn’t even bring up the wedding or guest list and I tried really hard to change the subject but nothing worked!!! I love my grandma so much and we usually get along so well but I have no idea where she is getting these ideas from!
Ugh vent over….
Post # 3
Smile. Nod head. Say thank you. Ask someone to pass you the pepper. That’s really the best thing to do.
Post # 4
@HisMoon: HAHA yeah I’ll give that a shot
Post # 5
@HisMoon: +1, Man this advice works so well for so many things. Even in my job. Smile. Nod head. Deep breath. That last gets me through many things.
Post # 6
@alyssaC: While I speak what I really think, if you don’t want an arguement then I’d just smile and let the subject pass. Invite who you want. We’re only inviting mostly immediate family and good friends. Random people will not be allowed at our wedding. Who would seriously show up uninvited? That’s just plain rude.
Post # 7
@alyssaC: That’s a difficult situation. My grandma wanted all of her siblings and their kids to be invited and we just told her it wasn’t possible and calmly explained this everytime she brought it up! I have been to weddings where random people DO show up. My friend’s grandma verbally invited people that the bride specifically did not invite and about ten extra people showed up. So I would tell her at least once that they are not invited so that she doesn’t take the smile and nod thing the wrong way and think that they are invited.
Post # 8
@erinbacher: Thats what I said! And she is like well aren’t you a litttle bridezilla, its rude to turn them away. Um I am so not a bridezilla just because I don’t want random people showing up and eating the food I payed for. And she knows I hate being called a bridezilla because I’m not one, my Fiance has strict instructions to smack me if I start to act like that but I don’t think I am and he doesn’t either.
Post # 9
@alyssaC: Oh man.. Well, just try to ignore her no matter how hard it may be. I’ll be severly ticked if someone unvited shows up to ours. If neither of us have met you then good chances are that your not going to be invited unless your a +1 significant other on one of our guest’s invites. Which, we’re not even going to have that many that are allowed the +1. lol
Post # 10
Well, first – if she knows you hate being called bridezilla, make darned sure you don’t react to it when she tries that crap. When she repeatedly gets no reaction, she just might stop.
OK – whose mom is this? My first start would be talking to mom or dad and having them have a little Come to Jesus meeting with Grandma. (FTR, I’m a MOB and a grandma and I would never act like that!). They need to let her know you guys have the wedding handled and not to worry about it. If you were one of my girls, I would happily have that chat with my mom.
I would keep all wedding talk away from grandma. She sounds like she would be the one to invite people and the less she knows the better. You have a LONG time to go, so you may just have to say “Grandma, we aren’t at that point in planning yet. We just want to enjoy being engaged!” Just keep repeating it. If you tell her “Well, I haven’t met them, or I’m not planning to invite the neighbors” you are engaging her in wedding talk. Don’t engage her in whatever she is trying to stir up. Just tell her you haven’t gotten to that point in planning.
Hopefully your parents will help you here!
Post # 11
@alyssaC: <giggles> I can relate. My husband has 5 aunts and 4 uncles (NOT including their spouses) and none of their children or grandchildren are invited. Now one of the aunts is pissed off because she can’t bring her 6 kids with her. My parents forced me to invite the neighbors. There are so many people on my guest list that I don’t even know (either that or I haven’t seen them in 20+ years and just don’t remember).
Post # 12
I’ll admit I had random relatives and children show up at my wedding (this appears to be the norm for my family and friends – weird).. It’s rude of them but you can’t turn them away once they come. Do you have a back up plan?
We were “lucky” to have no-shows as well, so the new people could be accommodated.
I think your grandma could be more tactful but she is coming from a good place. She knows these unforeseen events happen and just wants you to be prepared 🙂
Post # 13
@Cyri: I don’t even have a first plan, we just started on the guest list, we haven’t even looked at venues yet so IDK if we are even going to be able to invite all the people we want there. Once everything is booked we will definatly have a talk with the woman and explain what is what and then for sure come up with a back up plan…
Post # 14
Hm, maybe there’s no need to talk about the details with granma yet if you haven’t finalized a venue or guest list.
You now know her opinion: she would like you to have extra food, chairs, and table space in case random people (that she may invite that very day) “just happen” to show up.
That’s her opinion, and the simple fact is, there may be extra space or food. You’ll get at least a few “No’s.” Every wedding I’ve been to has had some people back out last minute due to illness or unexpected problems, so there have always been some unclaimed seats. I think you should hold firm on the, “We’ll have no extra,” so she won’t tell people, “Come! There’s extra!”
Post # 15
You’ve gotten some great advice on here, OP. Smile, nod your head, and then do whatever you want, unless for some strange reason your grandmother is paying for the wedding or whatever.
Additional theory: I have no idea what culture/ethnicity you come from or how old your grandmother is…but it’s entirely possible that in her mind, that’s just how weddings are. Lots of family, the whole community shows up, it’s very free-form and not terribly organized (but has lots of love, of course). It’s perfectly fine that you do not want your wedding to be this improvised, but you’re unlikely to change your grandma’s idea of what a wedding is. Just smile and nod and make your own plans, and know that most people your own age and a bit older will likely have an idea of wedding etiquette much closer to yours than to Grandma’s — again, unless your wedding is going to be very different than most in your hometown or culture of origin.
Post # 16
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
I’d say “We haven’t made a decision yet.” Then ignore her.
Invite the people you love and wouldn’t want to miss it. The absolute WORST part of wedding planning is the guest list but stick to your guns!!