(Closed) Please explain this logic to me

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
2665 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Smile. Nod head. Say thank you. Ask someone to pass you the pepper. That’s really the best thing to do.

Post # 5
Member
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@HisMoon:  +1,   Man this advice works so well for so many things.  Even in my job.  Smile.  Nod head.  Deep breath.  That last gets me through many things.

Post # 6
Member
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@HisMoon:  +1

@alyssaC:  While I speak what I really think, if you don’t want an arguement then I’d just smile and let the subject pass. Invite who you want. We’re only inviting mostly immediate family and good friends. Random people will not be allowed at our wedding. Who would seriously show up uninvited? That’s just plain rude.

Post # 7
Member
7217 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@alyssaC:  That’s a difficult situation. My grandma wanted all of her siblings and their kids to be invited and we just told her it wasn’t possible and calmly explained this everytime she brought it up! I have been to weddings where random people DO show up. My friend’s grandma verbally invited people that the bride specifically did not invite and about ten extra people showed up. So I would tell her at least once that they are not invited so that she doesn’t take the smile and nod thing the wrong way and think that they are invited.

 

Post # 9
Member
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@alyssaC:  Oh man.. Well, just try to ignore her no matter how hard it may be. I’ll be severly ticked if someone unvited shows up to ours. If neither of us have met you then good chances are that your not going to be invited unless your a +1 significant other on one of our guest’s invites. Which, we’re not even going to have that many that are allowed the +1. lol

Post # 10
Member
1849 posts
Buzzing bee

Well, first – if she knows you hate being called bridezilla, make darned sure you don’t react to it when she tries that crap.  When she repeatedly gets no reaction, she just might stop.

OK – whose mom is this?  My first start would be talking to mom or dad and having them have a little Come to Jesus meeting with Grandma. (FTR, I’m a MOB and a grandma and I would never act like that!).  They need to let her know you guys have the wedding handled and not to worry about it.  If you were one of my girls, I would happily have that chat with my mom.

I would keep all wedding talk away from grandma.  She sounds like she would be the one to invite people and the less she knows the better.  You have a LONG time to go, so you may just have to say “Grandma, we aren’t at that point in planning yet.  We just want to enjoy being engaged!”  Just keep repeating it.  If you tell her “Well, I haven’t met them, or I’m not planning to invite the neighbors” you are engaging her in wedding talk.  Don’t engage her in whatever she is trying to stir up.  Just tell her you haven’t gotten to that point in planning.

Hopefully your parents will help you here!

Post # 11
Member
5191 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

@alyssaC:  <giggles> I can relate. My husband has 5 aunts and 4 uncles (NOT including their spouses) and none of their children or grandchildren are invited. Now one of the aunts is pissed off because she can’t bring her 6 kids with her. My parents forced me to invite the neighbors. There are so many people on my guest list that I don’t even know (either that or I haven’t seen them in 20+ years and just don’t remember).

Post # 12
Member
926 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’ll admit I had random relatives and children show up at my wedding (this appears to be the norm for my family and friends – weird).. It’s rude of them but you can’t turn them away once they come. Do you have a back up plan? 

We were “lucky” to have no-shows as well, so the new people could be accommodated.

I think your grandma could be more tactful but she is coming from a good place. She knows these unforeseen events happen and just wants you to be prepared 🙂 

Post # 14
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Hm, maybe there’s no need to talk about the details with granma yet if you haven’t finalized a venue or guest list.  

You now know her opinion: she would like you to have extra food, chairs, and table space in case random people (that she may invite that very day) “just happen” to show up. 

That’s her opinion, and the simple fact is, there may be extra space or food. You’ll get at least a few “No’s.” Every wedding I’ve been to has had some people back out last minute due to illness or unexpected problems, so there have always been some unclaimed seats. I think you should hold firm on the, “We’ll have no extra,” so she won’t tell people, “Come! There’s extra!” 

 

Post # 15
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

You’ve gotten some great advice on here, OP. Smile, nod your head, and then do whatever you want, unless for some strange reason your grandmother is paying for the wedding or whatever.

Additional theory: I have no idea what culture/ethnicity you come from or how old your grandmother is…but it’s entirely possible that in her mind, that’s just how weddings are. Lots of family, the whole community shows up, it’s very free-form and not terribly organized (but has lots of love, of course). It’s perfectly fine that you do not want your wedding to be this improvised, but you’re unlikely to change your grandma’s idea of what a wedding is. Just smile and nod and make your own plans, and know that most people your own age and a bit older will likely have an idea of wedding etiquette much closer to yours than to Grandma’s — again, unless your wedding is going to be very different than most in your hometown or culture of origin.

Post # 16
Member
4687 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

I’d say “We haven’t made a decision yet.”  Then ignore her.

Invite the people you love and wouldn’t want to miss it. The absolute WORST part of wedding planning is the guest list but stick to your guns!!

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