It is over

posted 1 year ago in Married Life
Post # 16
2441 posts
Buzzing bee

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ashleyroo :  I had one child at 38 and one at 40. Your life isn’t over by any means.

Someone whom you trusted betrayed you. Learn from that and move forward. You deserve THE BEST.

THIS IS YOUR TIME. Concentrate on your finals and their REAL VALUE to you as you move into your future.

Positive thoughts being sent.

Post # 17
2222 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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missinthecity :  Why would you have to inform even a government job of a pending divorce?

Post # 18
2185 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“Why would you have to inform even a government job of a pending divorce?”

It would be part of a background investigation during the hiring process, but it’s not information that your supervisors would have access to. OP, I know things look really bad right now, but I promise they will get better. I don’t care how family oriented this organization is, don’t tell them about your divorce, just keep doing your job. A family oriented company would fire a woman who gets divorced? Wouldn’t they want to support her? Anyway, you will become a mom with a much better partner. The chances are almost zero that you won’t find someone else, marry, and have children if that’s what you want. But for now, it’s one foot in front of the other, and one day at a time. Good luck, Bee.

Post # 19
647 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2000

No words…just hugs 🥺

Post # 21
1288 posts
Bumble bee

I am so sorry this is happening. I just wanted to throw out more words of support for you and to reiterate that you are still young. My first marriage ended after 7 years and at 30 I found myself having to move back in with my parents and starting all over. I am now married to a wonderful man who I bought a house with 2 years ago. 

Sending lots of hugs and know you have a whole community here to lean on who are rooting for you.

Post # 22
338 posts
Helper bee

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ashleyroo :  I remember your last post.  I’m so sorry about your situation.  I did tell you that you might work through this previously. If your partner wanted a second chance, he should have come clean.  He also should have given you a transparent accounting of his finances.  15k in credit card debt AND a loan in under two years is a huge deal.  What else might he be hiding even now? 

Honestly, you dodged a bullet.  Think of how you would feel if you had children to support when you discovered your husbands problem with debt.  

You will find someone else.  I met my husband when I was 30 a few months after leaving a 5 year relationship.  We are planning on babies.  You will be fine starting over again eventually.  (Although you will be really sad for a bit.)

Big hugs!  Take some time to grieve and cry.  Wishing you all the best.

Post # 23
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

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ashleyroo :  hugs girl. And YES you can still be a mom! I got divorced at age 33, and now at 36 I’m remarried with a beautiful sweet little baby boy. Life will be better for you without liar for a life partner!

Post # 24
1074 posts
Bumble bee

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ashleyroo :  As an employment lawyer, this update is very perplexing. Why would a potential employer call your husband?

Post # 26
7023 posts
Busy Beekeeper

What type of business is this? I can’t imagine this is legal.

Your happiness is more important than any job, Bee. I’d wait tables to pay the bills before I’d stay in a bad marriage. Be happy that you don’t own a home together, one less thing to deal with in a divorce. You will still travel, you have time to figure out your life and still have children. Your life is far from over. I’ve been where you are–it’s hard for a while and then it’s so much better. 

Post # 27
2446 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I’m thinking he’s spent the money on illicit sex. If you think this might be a possibility, please get checked for STI’s. 

I am sorry 

Post # 28
135 posts
Blushing bee

I am absolutely not a lawyer, but what these companies are doing sounds extremely fishy. I think it may depend on the state whether or not it’s flat out illegal, but it’s certainly not accepted, and apparently it’s often viewed as discrimination based on sex (which is flat out illegal at the federal level). E.g.,

Post # 29
2694 posts
Sugar bee

I cannot imagine a job hunting scenario where a pending seperation/divorce could cause a job offer to be rescinded or an interview to be cancelled, outside perhaps of the ministry? (And I would give a lot of side-eye to that.)

Post # 30
3517 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

My mother in law has gone through exactly this. It happened multiple times, but the balances were around 50k. He never let her see the statements. After the second time, she agreed to pay it off with her own savings and investments, on the condition that he close all of his accounts. She began paying for everything and he wasn’t “allowed” to buy anything on his own.

Two years later, they applied for a home loan and she found out he’d done it again. Almost 20K!! So she got a divorce lawyer and said it was over. He begged for forgiveness and finally let her see the statements. To all of our shock, it actually was just regular things. We had always assumed my Father-In-Law had some kind of gambling addiction, or another family or something. How else do you have that much debt? And why else would it he keep the statements a secret? But nope! He was just an idiot paying for food and bills on a high interest card without paying it off every month. It’s some kind of ridiculous pattern.

I’m sharing this with you to remind you that your partner’s habits would never change. If my Mother-In-Law would have left the first time, she’d be better off for it. Instead she has been trapped in an awful cycle dealing with her husband’s debt. 

You are doing the right thing. Yes it’s hard. It is going to be hard. But it will be worth it.

Can you share more about the type of work, and why your marriage matters to them?

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