(Closed) It just keeps eating me up. long, rant

posted 6 years ago in Wellness
Post # 3
3626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’d say use your therapy benefits, at least one, just to talk it out with a professional. It sounds like you really just need someone to talk to. The therapist will give you things to think about without necessarily giving you advice.

Post # 4
661 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013


Just wanted to let you know that you were heard and my thoughts are with you. You are obviously an intelligent and a very compassionate person and you will figure it out in time.

Post # 5
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011


Huge hugs to you. You are carrying a lot on your shoulders right now. I know what it’s like to worry that your parents and loved ones will judge your SO for a mental health problem (extreme depression/anxiety, in my DH’s case). It’s not easy.

But with a good therapist and support from your family and friends, you will get through this, one way or another. You have a good head on your shoulders.

Post # 6
3265 posts
Sugar bee

Im sorry that you are going through this. 

You are mourning the loss of the relationship you thought you had, so let yourself feel the feelings so you can eventually move past it.

You are also in a bit of limbo.  You are esentially putting your life on hold, while you wait and see, if one day in the future your bf can live a clean and sober life.  You will also have to decide if the person he becomes after such a change is still someone you want to be with. 

You also will have to learn to trust him again.  So far much of your relationship has been predicated on lies.  More lies are sure to come out through the recovery process. 

Don’t feel that you HAVE to stick by him, if you can’t cope.  You will not push him back to addiction.  He needs to cope with life events with out drugs.  You are going to be on the back burner for a long time, and only you can decide if you are willing and able to do that.

Good luck.  Be kind to yourself.  Treat yourself, pamper yourself, and do what you need to keep yourself healthy.

Post # 8
9687 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@anonymousbee62:   So sorry for what you’re going through, I can imagine how rough it is.  The more you learn about addiction the more sense all this will make to you.  Addiction is a disease and sometimes a permanent life condition.  It’s very hard to beat. 

You stated that you can’t reconcile the loving boyfriend with the drug addict being the same person.  Think of his addiction as a separate entity unto itself, because in a way it almost is.  It controls him.  From my personal observation of quite a few drug addicts they are usually intelligent and sensitive individuals.  They tend to be creative, artistic and crave spirituality.  They are usually charming and affectionate and down to earth.  They also are deceptive and manipulative.  Drugs are an escape and a survival mechanism for them. One theory for what causes some to be addicts and others to not is that some people have a deep need for escape into a fantasy realm or to connect with something intangible outside themselves.  They tend to medicate their emotional and psychological pain rather than feeling it or dealing with it head on. 

Rehab can help him because the professionals who know and understand the mindset of addicts can deal with his manipulative nature.  Addicts are weak human beings, like all of us, but they have learned to use drugs as a coping mechanism rather than making a healthier choice.  Once they start down the road of self-medicating, their physical body and brain become attached to the substance (opiates bind to the pleasure-receptors in the brain making withdrawal excruciating) and they require more and more of it as time goes on.  It’s a vicious cycle once it starts.

The one thing on your mind is your boyfriend and his well-being.  But the one thing on his mind is his addiction.  I pray that won’t always be so.  Many people have conquered addiction, but from what I understand it’s a lifelong battle and not everyone overcomes it. 

He is being supported right now but you are feeling alone and lost, understandably.  The addict’s loved ones suffer the most, in my opinion, much more than the addict himself does.  Your view of life is a normal, healthy one.  He can’t comprehend the concept of that, let alone be concerned about your well-being.  Sadly, addicts are selfish and immature, they care about their next high more than anything else.  (Many addicts have told me this – they are always only chasing the next high.  Other people are means to an end to them).  If he wants to beat this with everything within him, he can, but it’s going to be a long and difficult process.  And relapse is almost a given, the rate is very high.

You have made a wise decision to enter counseling and I’m sure that will give you more insight and support.  You don’t have to make a lifelong decision right now, just take things one step and one day at a time.  Take care of yourself, put your focus on yourself, and try to put him on the back burner for now.  You have a life you need to live and your needs are just as valid and important as his are.

I hope things get better for you soon.

Post # 9
2263 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I see where you’re coming from. And I do understand. The good news is, I think you guys can really pull through this and be better for it. Darling Husband was an alcoholic and did drugs before we were together, I saw firsthand how different he was after getting his life back on track. To me, I think all addictions are just that- addictions, whether it’s shopping, porn, drugs, alcohol…. they’re all problems and people can recover from them it sounds like he’s on the right track. Keep your head up! 

Post # 10
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Hugs!  I commented on your other thread too the other day but I’m not sure if you saw it.

I don’t think anyone can answer these questions for you, but I can only share my experiences with you.

I was also terrified to tell my family and lose their approval.  I think in my case, their approval of my chosen partner meant approval of me and that’s what I always want.  I did not tell at first but I was also uncomfortable lying, so I gave very vague answers when questions were asked.  The first person I told was my brother and his girlfriend because I felt comfortable with them knowing and that we wouldn’t be judged.  Then several months later, I told my mom and aunt.  My husband couldn’t make it to a family birthday dinner and I had made an excuse for him, but when I got there, I had some time alone with them and told them the truth.  They were very understanding and said they are proud of him for doing good and they will always support me.  I only told my dad and stepmom about 2 months ago.  They have not said anything negative but they’ve also made some ignorant comments about addiction which I cannot really blame them for because I just don’t think they know any better.  I try to patiently give them information and keep my serenity.  I honestly don’t know anyone in my group who has lost approval from family when they found out although many people I know get ignorant comments.  That was something I prepared myself for and I try not to take a a defensive stance about it and just openly answer questions so the people in my life understand a little better.  Now I tell just about anyone when it remotely comes up.  It’s something I’ve learned not to be embarrassed or ashamed of.

I was also terrified of relapse in the beginning.  What I did was that I completely backed off of him and didn’t bug or nag or question him about anything.  He willingly did 90 in 90 (meeting every day for the first 90 days) and got a sponsor within the first week.  If he hadn’t been taking it seriously I have no idea what I would have done.  But as an example, he went to the diner with his meeting friends almost every night after the meeting and got home late.  I never said a word or asked him to be home at a certain time.  I actually learned as I went along in Nar-anon that I had absolutely no boundaries for myself and that I needed to make some for my own health.  But, I am glad I just let him do what he needed to do in the beginning and thank God I somehow found the strength and security to do that.  However, I know lots of people that bug their addicts…it’s in our nature!  And I will tell you that there is nothing we can do or not do to cause or to prevent a relapse.  If it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen.  So we have to learn to pick the best course of action for ourselves.  What will make us more sane at the end of the day?  For me if I had to do it all over again (but God forbid that should happen!!), I would still keep it zipped.  To explain why, the serenity prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Whether or not he was going to relapse was something I did not have control over and I had to accept that unknown to have a sane life.

The money thing – with your rent and new lease and all that.  That still continues to be a concern for me.  My husband has not in 11 months been able to gain any kind of work or income security.  He got a great job for a few months but it ended up being too high pressure and he felt his recovery was at stake, so he quit.  Now he’s doing some labor for an electrician and he really likes that, but at 31 with no previous training, he is not sure he can make a career of it at this point.  Money has been very tight, and that causes stress.  And then there is always the fear of relapse and him being out of work again and then how would I afford our house.  In our case, we already owned the house when all of this happened.  I can’t change that now.  So again, I have to accept the situation for what it is and learn to live with it somehow.  Our lifestyle has changed a lot and it sometimes adds stress to our lives but generally we just roll with it and we’ve been doing OK.

I almost can’t believe the changes in myself.  How did I go from a person who needed to plan every detail of life and know where I’d be and how many dollars would be in my account in 5 years, to a person that just rolls with the punches?  I think it came from practicing the 12 steps of Nar-anon and having a support system in my group.  I truly don’t know where I’d be without it.  There would be my husband, getting better and recovering and learning a new way to live, and I’d be way back somewhere else making myself sick with stress, fear, and resentment.

I understand all the questions in your head.  You’re not alone.  Remember this popular recovery saying: One day at a time.  You don’t have to solve every problem or figure it all out today.  Do what you can with this day only and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.


Post # 11
1280 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

anonymousbee62 My Thoughts and prayers go out to you and your man during this time….

phillygirl629 Beautifully put!

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