(Closed) HELP! – Parent Drama

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
1469 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I haven’t. But what is their rationale for not having our future in-laws on the invite?

Post # 5
Member
46451 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@StephC24:  It’s only tradition because the bride’s parents used to pay for everything. I would tell him that I am happy to list their names as the sole hosts if they want to assume the entire financial burden of the wedding.

Post # 6
Member
9954 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Yup, back in 1980 with my first wedding.

To be fair tho, at the time, I wanted the NEW MODERN version of a Wedding Invite that showed BOTH Parents because I thought it was a nice way to honour my Groom-2-B and his family… not because they were Hosting or had any money in the mix (outside of the usual tradional obligations for the Groom’s Family … Rehearsal Party etc)

I remember my suggested text at the time went something like this…

Mr & Mrs John Doe request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter Jane to Mr. Jack Jones, son of Mr & Mrs Davey Jones on Saturday, the twentieth of October at four o’clock, Good Hope Church

Didn’t fly…

My Parents were adament that they didn’t want my Fiance’s Parents on the Invite… solely because my family was paying / hosting.  It was very much as case of my Father’s Pride… BUT because it was Etiquettely correct (extremely traditional… as was in fact most of my Wedding)… I did cave.

In your situation, IF your Parents ARE NOT the sole Hosts (ie paying the whole lot without any cash coming from Fiance’s Parents) then they are wrong in this point of etiquette, and the Invites SHOULD have both sets of Parents on them as the Hosts of the Wedding… as per the Peggy Post *Book of Wedding Etiquette*

Mr. and Mrs. David Zimmermann

and

Captain and Mrs. John Gonzalez

request the honour of your presence

at the marriage of

Cynthia Ann Zimmerman

and

John Howard Gonzalez, junior

etc.

I wish you LUCK in getting your Parents to change their mind… because the way they want to do it now is a HUGE SNUB to your Future Groom and his Family (is this really how they want to start out life for you as a Married Woman?  I’d ask them that)

Alternatively, you can tell them, that to heck with it all… You and Your Fiance will not have any Parents on the Invites… and send them out with yourselves as the Hosts.

((( HUGS )))

PS… Although the text that I wanted some 30+ Years ago is no longer considered the norm… because BOTH sets of Parents Pay / Host (so their names go up top at the beginning).  My old wording might be a solution to your issue… in that it clearly doesn’t imply that the Groom’s Family are the Primary Hosts.

Post # 8
Member
5957 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

What an odd place to pick a turf war…?  Your parents are being unreasonable, and I would remind them, as co hosts of this celebration it is imperative that they put their best foot forward, and set the tone of welcoming and enthused acceptance for the new family members they are going to meet.  As ambassadors of your clan they can either behave badly, or graciously, including their future in laws on the invitation is the first step towards that.

Post # 10
Member
9954 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Here is another thought…

When you say the Groom’s Family are paying… a lot will depend on WHAT items they are covering.

Under traditional Guidelines… there is a list of things that side usually would take care of / be responsible for (be it the Groom or his family helping him), BUT still the Bride’s Family is considered the Hosts (maybe that is what your Dad is getting at with his comments)

The Traditional Groom & His Family List is as follows… (I’m copying it here from another WBee topic that discussed this more in length) = http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/grooms-parents-to-pay-for

And again, this info is from the Post Institute of Etiquette… Emily and her decendants.

== snip ==

GROOM’s EXPENSES

– Bride’s Engagement Ring & Wedding Ring

– Groom’s Present to the Bride (optional)

– Gifts for the Groom’s Attendants

– Boutonnieres for the Groom’s Attendants

– Ties (and Gloves if required) for the Groom’s Attendants (if not part of the Clothing Rental Fee)

– Bride’s Bouquet

– Bride’s Going Away Corsage

– Corsages for Immediate Family Members (ie MOB, MOG, GrandMothers, etc)

– Officiant Fee

– Transportation and Lodging Fees for an Out-of-Town Officiant (if required)

– Marriage License

– Transportation for the Groom & Best Man to the Wedding Ceremony

– Honeymoon Expenses

– Bachelor Dinner (if he wishes to have one with his Attendants)

– Accommodations for Groom’s Attendants

– Transportation & Lodging for Groom’s Parents **

GROOM’S PARENTS EXPENSES

– Rehearsal Dinner

** NOTE – Groom or Groom’s Parents can pay for their own lodging… and those of the immediate family (ie Brothers, Sisters, GrandParents) if they so wish. Accommodations really is a flexible option

— — —

So as you can see the bulk of these expenses are the responsiblity of your Groom. ONLY the Rehearsal Dinner is traditionally the Groom’s Family’s responsibility… and well quite frankly you won’t be discussing that aspect until well along into the Wedding Plans. In most cases, a Groom’s Family will indeed step-up-to-the-plate for that… be it a meal hosted at a local Restaurant, or something they put on at the Church Hall (with the help of the Church Ladies)… or is held at their home with eats they’ve made. ALL are acceptable alternatives (they don’t have to be to your taste… just theirs and their budget as they are the Hosts)

PS… Reception Alcohol “traditionally” falls under the category of Reception Expenses that the Bride’s Family would cover. Although it can be handled differently regionally… which is also WHY you’ll see Brides on WBee making inquiries about OPEN BARS – CASH BARS – WHITE BARS – etc. If the Brides Parents and the B&G or Groom’s Family disagree on Alcohol (either consumption options or payment options)… then there are alternatives.

PPS… My info above is as per TRADITIONAL RULES OF ETIQUETTE (as you brought that up initially)… as the other Bees have said, there are many other arrangements made these days when hosting a wedding and who pays. You can go with whatever works for all of you.

== end ==

Hope this helps,

 

 

Post # 11
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@StephC24:  When you say “they” are paying, do you mean your parents or his?

I’ve read that whoever hosts the wedding are the names that go on the invite. So, if HIS parents are hosting per modern etiquette it is there name that goes on it.

I would avoid all this and do what my husband and I did: we just just ‘you are cordially invited to the wedding ceremony of Mr. Sailor and Miss A”

Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
46451 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

If both sets of parents are sharing relatively equally in the cost of the wedding, then I agree with a pp that it would be a snub to the parents of the groom not to include them. You may just have to stand uo to your Dad by ordering the invitations with the appropriate wording and deal with the fallout from your Dad after the fact.

My general position is that if you are mature enough to get married, you need to be mature enough to stand up to your parents.

A fallback position could be:

Together with their parents

StephC24

     and

StephC24’s Fiance

Invite you to…

Post # 13
Member
853 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@julies1949:  That is how Fiance and I worded our invites (technically we said “Together with our families, we request the honour…. blah blah blah) . We didn’t want our parents names on the invites for many many many reasons. it was just the easiest way to not hurt feelings

 

ETA: If we hadn’t done this, our wedding invite would literally have to be in size 3 font. it would read something like “Brandybelle’s grandparents on her dad’s side, her grandparents on her moms side, her mother and father and Brandybelle’s FI’s mother father and stepfather all invite you to this wedding”

Post # 14
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

We left off the parents names, ours says something Like “come celebrate at the wedding of x and x” no parents on it. That way noone can argue.

Post # 15
Member
1306 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

My sister’s invites were worded like this ;

“Jane Doe and John Smith

Along with their families

Request the honor of your presence

as they exchange marriage vows….”

Both families helped with the financial burden, and no names were thrown around.

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