(Closed) It's a really bad night

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
6743 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Anobeenous:  Oh my.  I am so sorry that you feel this way.  I wish I could recommend some books to read to help you get back to yourself or something, but the only thing I can suggest is to seek counseling because you sound depressed and to go to your local B&N and find yourself some self-help books that can help you turn your life around.  I’m so so sorry for you.  *hug* 

Please realize that your Fiance sees something in you – it must be there, you just don’t see it.  So you’re not ugly, disgusting, pathetic, useless, etc.  You’re just being overly critical on yourself.

I wish I had better things to say.. 🙁

Post # 4
Member
1089 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

The only person who can change you is YOU. We come into this world alone and we will die alone, if you are not happy with the person you are, change it. Go volunteer for those who are less fortunate than you and you will appreciate everything you have and hopefully find the motivation to pull yourself out of this fog.

Post # 5
Member
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

have you considered therapy? It sounds like it would benefit You. 

Post # 6
Member
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

 You know what? You don’t need to worry about which is the real you, because these are emotions and they are something you feel, they are happening to you, they are not part of you. Emotions don’t make you who you are. They are the experience you are having right now. You are a person who sometimes feels happy and sometimes doesn’t.

I’m sorry you’ve been through these experiences. It sounds like your marriage shattered your self-esteem and your sense of self, so it’s no wonder you are still hurting and still recovering. I think the real you, as you put it, is a woman who has gone through an unimaginably difficult, hurtful time and now has to climb up the steep slope to recovery. Because things don’t just get better and, bam, everything’s great, it takes time.

You are not pathetic and useless. You have had BAD LUCK. You know what? It doesn’t matter if the house isn’t clean. I had some time off work early this year due to anxiety and stress, and I worked myself up into the most awful state over not getting basic tasks done, e.g. I’d spend all day saying I was going to clean X, then not clean it, then be a complete sobbing wreck and convinced I was a failure. Because I set myself up to feel like that. I wasn’t in any state to clean. I didn’t need to worry so much, but I got into this pattern of having expectations I couldn’t meet and then beating myself up about it.

I would urge you to please talk to a professional about the way you are feeling and the worrying thoughts you are having. I would also urge you to be a bit kinder to yourself. You have survived something tough – you need some time out from worrying about whether you have a job, or how clean the house is.

The important thing to remember is that it’s not your job to decide what your Fiance should want or what he deserves. That’s all him. Because right now there’s a nasty voice in your head telling you that you are nothing, but he doesn’t hear it, and you know why? Because it’s not the truth, it’s just a nasty thing that’s eating you up right now, and you’re finding it hard to listen to anyone or anything else. It sounds like you are finding it hard to accept your FI’s love and support, and I really think it might be an idea to consider some kind of therapy.

I disagree with the person who told you to volunteer and think about people less fortunate. I think you need to be kind TO YOURSELF and spend some time doing things you enjoy. Take it tiny step by tiny step. Today I will brush my hair and read a blog. Today I will get dressed. Today I will go for a walk.

I would bet money that your Fiance doesn’t care how clean the house is. He cares about YOU.

Post # 7
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Sorry to hear you’re having such a rough time and it sounds like you’ve been through a lot. You should consider maybe seeing a therapist to help you get to the root of what is bothering you. It sounds like you question on how to identify yourself and therapy could surely help you explore that.

Post # 8
Member
1399 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@bunnybunny:  Hugs to you. As someone who spirals quickly herself, I totally get where you’re coming from. I’ll tell you what helped me, and you can do what you want with that info. Obviously I highly recommend these things. 

The first is DBT- dialectical behavior therapy. Google it. You can buy workbooks on it and DIY if you’re not comfortable going to a group or can’t find one in your area. It literally changed my life. Years of therapy helped… but not like DBT. It gives you skills to identify and DEAL WITH your feelings, and as well as interactions with yourself and others. I can’t recommend this enough.

Diet & exercise play a huge part in how you feel. Make sure you’re on top of these issues, including drinking LOTS of water, not eating too much garbage, not emotional eating, and making sure to get physical activity every day. 

I’ve recently started acupuncture for emotional wellness and stability. It started working for me immediately. They don’t put the needles deep, and it only hurts a tiny bit when the needle first punctures your skin. If you have pierced ears, that hurt worse. ANyway, I was REALLY skeptical about it, but it’s been very effective for me so far, and for my Fiance as well. Acupuncture can help you with a lot of mental and physical problems… it’s worth looking into, as is acupresure.

Make sure you have a SCHEDULE, and follow it. Routine is important for people who are inclined to be moody/depressed. 

Good luck to you!

Post # 9
Member
901 posts
Busy bee

Please, please, if you do ONE thing to change your situation, STOP talking about yourself that way!

Would you tell your closest girlfriend she’s so awful? Or your daughter? Or any other woman in your life who is special to you? Would you talk to her that way and hurt her feelings so badly? Don’t treat yourself any worse than you’d treat the most special women in your life. 

Just STOP writing and saying nasty things about yourself. It reinforces those things in your mind. Of course it is okay to feel anything you feel. But STOP giving it validation!!

That said, do you think perhaps you got into a relationship far too quickly? I was married for a total of 6 months when I filed for divorce 10 years ago and it took me easily 5 years to truly get over it. Lots of therapy, lots of being alone, lots of getting involved in activities that made me happy.

If you’re not in therapy, please go.

Post # 10
Member
1292 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

Hi 🙂 I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. It breaks my heart to read this post.

I wanted to suggest a few things that have helped ME because there were times where I could’ve written parts of this post. Still are days, actually.

First of all, start simple. While you’re watching TV or a movie, lay on the floor and stretch. You can even get mini weights and do some stretching with those. I was so out of shape and that’s where I started. Then, I added some yoga, situps and pushups.. All while I was on the floor in my living room, watching TV. Then I got some DVDs off the internet and started those. You CAN take control of your life and your body. You will feel so much better about yourself if get healthy and exercise. I feel so much better as I start to get into shape!!

Utlize To-Do lists to stay productive. It seems like you’re sad because you don’t feel like you have a purpose in life  because you don’t have a job. So, be productive at home! What would you LIKE your ideal self to do? I have a pre-made checklist that I follow everyday. There are even some freebies on there like “brush teeth 3x a day” or “wash face 2x a day” “do ___ yoga poses” (I get to x it off even if I’ve only done 1!) It sounds silly but it feels so good to look down and see all that I’ve done. I also put things on there I want to better myself like, “Look up a new word” (and then I write the word and definition at the bottom) “Cook Dinner” or “Make love to my fiance” or things that are good for me “Take a walk around the block” “Count your blessings” (and I force myself to write them down!) My weekly to-do list has about 200 things on it and I just check whatever I’ve done for the day in the column. Again sounds silly but it’s helped immensely. It also makes me feel “wow, look at everything I’ve done today!” It also reminds me to do things because it’s easy to forget.  

Does your fiance know how you feel, because I think you should tell him.

I also think you should try therapy if you’re able to.

Suicide is never ever the option.

Good luck.

Post # 12
Member
2662 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

So decided to come out with my real name. I don’t know why I felt the need for the anonymous name except that for some reason all of that despair seemed shameful somehow.

@RedAngelDreamer: At first, I did worry about starting a new, serious relationship so soon. It came down to realizing the kind of love and magic between us is too beautiful to not want to grab with both hands and hold onto tightly. Yes, I still carry a lot of hurt and issues from my marriage, but to be honest I had completed mourning the relationship itself before I even began thinking of leaving. Sad huh? I was actually seriously contemplating staying for the sake of staying.

Fiance is the most supportive and the most emotionally intelligent person I have ever met. He just seems to know how to help me rebuild myself and find new strenght. It’s amazing.

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