(Closed) It's about to tear our relationship apart…

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3774 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@LostOne:  he basically told me that i should accept him for who he is, that i got with him knowing that this is what he did

I agree with him, sorry. You know going into it that he did it. If you didn’t like it, you shouldn’t have started a relationship. You’ve been together for over 4 years… He’s not going to change. If he doesn’t become a completely different person or an abusive asshole when he smokes, I don’t really see an issue. I’m not trying to be unsupportive or bitchy, but you knew he did it from the get-go. You shouldn’t expect him to change.

Post # 4
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2014

my SO used to smoke pot. A lot of it. To the point it was something he needed to go to sleep properly. I went into the relationship the same as you; not really bothered about it but as money became tighter and we got older it definately began to upset me. We went through the whole argument/strop stuff and I basically left it alone on the understanding it upset me abd I thought he could do better for himself. It took him a couple of months but he turned it around and stopped. 

Most importantly though, he did it for his reasons not mine.That was the only reason he could quit because he got there by himsef and I just supported him, I didnt push him 

Post # 5
Member
2103 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

What about his smoking bothers you? Unless he has significant personality change, or it affects his productivity and drive in life, or it’s affecting his physical health…I guess I don’t see how you have an argument.

Post # 6
Member
816 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

You know, it’s too bad he’s not willing to make this sacrifice for your relationship. I do agree with PP, you did go into this knowing this was a problem, but I also believe that someone who is serious about making their relationship work will make sacrifices to make the relationship stronger. But, alas, he apparently is unwilling to quit, so honestly there isn’t a lot I can tell you except: Either accept this behavior of his as a lifelong habit, or leave. Sorry for going through this. 🙁

Post # 7
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee

You went into the relationship knowing that he did it.  For me personally… it would have been a no go from the beginning.  

Why is it bothering you so much now?  If he only smokes once every two weeks on average… and you aren’t trying to make him quit altogether…. what is it you do want him to do?

As it stands, I think this is going to be a constant source of friction between you unless you figure those two things out and come to some sort of agreement.  Otherwise… you need to really consider whether or not you need to marry someone who has a habit that you find so unacceptable.

Post # 8
Member
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

You knew he smoked when you started dating him and he continued to smoke during your relationship.  It doesn’t sound like his behavior has increased or affected his job or personality, it has just begun to bother you that he smokes at all.  That is totally unfair to him and if he were my friend I would probably tell him to break off the engagement.  You either love him as you found him or you leave him for someone else who doesn’t smoke.

Post # 9
Member
6019 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

@LostOne:  this is one of those things that unfortunately I would say you just need to make a decision on whether or not its something you can deal with. I agree you shouldn’t try to change him since you decided to date him knowing full well that he did  this.

Post # 10
Member
1213 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2004

I am siding with you on this one.  There is no justifiable reason for someone to smoke pot unless it is for medical reasons and prescribed by a doctor.  It’s otherwise illegal.  You should have a say in this behavior because once the two of you marry and your bank accounts combine, it doesn’t seem fair that he dip into your savings to buy something illegal without your OK.  I think it might be best if you two sit down and talk about why he smokes (does he feel like he needs to or is it a habbit?) and what he can do in exchange for pot.

Post # 11
Member
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I can’t fully agree with “love him as you found him” because it is perfectly normal and healthy for people to evolve and develop over time. If you marry when you are both young partiers, does that mean you don’t have the right to urge your spouse to stop hitting the nightclubs when you hit 40?  I’m sorry but I can’t get behind that. You’re not supposed to be doing the same things you were doing 5 or 15 years ago, nor are you supposed to accept your partner doing the same things he/she was doing 5 or 15 years ago, just because they were doing those things when you first met.

OP I think you need to first determine why it bothers you, then see if, between your fiance and yourself, you can work around those things. If the only reason it bothers you is the smell (for example) then the easy solution is for him to only smoke up over at a friend’s house; if it’s because it makes him not feel like working the next day, then accept his habit with the stipulation that he get up and go to work without complaint. 

Of course there may be situations where you absolutely cannot compromise. But you have to at least try.

Post # 12
Member
9885 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@s2bmrscook:  +1.  Agreed.

Post # 13
Member
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I see where he is coming from. You dated him AND got engaged to him, knowing all along that he uses drugs. And now you want him to change for you? It just…. it doesn’t really work like that. This is probably going to end up as a take it or leave it situation. Either you get over it and marry him, or you don’t get over it and you end the relationship. Neither option is inherently right or wrong. It’s simply a matter of answering the question- What is best for you?

 

Post # 14
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

It’s OK that this is a deal breaker for you.  This is illegal activity that he does in your home. 

However, part of his personality is smoking pot for recreation.  He doesn’t have to change that. 

Either one of you has to be willing to sacrifice your comfort for the other, or you will have to end things.  Definitely don’t marry him if you aren’t OK with pot: the worst mistake people make is assuming someone will change just because you are getting married. 

(As a disclaimer: I have nothing against pot and don’t have anything against people who use it regularly.  That being said, FH doesn’t smoke regularly and I’ve never been in a situation where I’ve lived with or dated anyone who smoked regularly.)

Post # 15
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Once a week when smoking regularly is not very much at all. It’s pretty much like saying you get upset when your fiance has one beer a week. Is there something about his behavior that bothers you, or is it just the idea of marijuana that bothers you?

From what you’ve shared, your fiance does not have a drug problem nor is he engaging in particularly risky or unhealthy behavior. I’d get to the bottom of the issue and then address that. Do you dislike the illegality of the situation? Can he get a green card or buy from a more reputable source, and make sure he’s only smoking within the confines of his own home? Or is there something about his behavior that bothers you? Does he ignore you or treat you differently when he smokes?

Otherwise, I think it’s something that you may want to educate yourself more on (if you don’t already know much about it) and see what you can do to make yourself comfortable with his pretty-harmless vice.

Post # 16
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

It’s not clear to me why you have a problem with him smoking now when you didn’t at the beginning. Is it the cost? The illegality? Do you think he has a dependency issue?

Pot would be a deal breaker for me, but I basically agree with everything your Fiance said to you. Your influence over his behaviour basically extends to staying or going; you don’t get to nag and/or manipulate him into changing. If you can’t live with him smoking, don’t live with him.

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