(Closed) It’s been 4 1/2 years–how long is too long until he proposes?

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Every relationship is different.  If you two love eachother and your happy being with him, then you just have to decide if not being engaged is a good enough reason not to be togehter.

Some perspective on where I’m coming from. I’ve been with my SO for 7 years.  We live together and are in the process of trying to buy a house (together).  We spend 5 1/2 years in a long distance relationship.  I am dying for him to propose and I feel tons of pressue from everyone around me, especially since we are looking to buy a home together.  We’ve talked, I know he wants to be with me forever, and I’m coming to terms with the fact he may drag his feet more than i’d like because he feels getting our lives all set up (house, jobs, etc) is better to do first and then get married.  Not how I see things, but I that’s how he feels.  In the end, I just want to be with him, so I’m not going anywhere regardless of how long he takes.

Post # 4
Member
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

It seems to me like he wants to be with you and wants to marry you, he just has a checklist that he wants to accomplish before he proposes. I can see how this could be extremely aggrivating. I know you don’t want to wait- but if you knew now it might be another 4 years until you’re engaged, would you still stick around? 

I would say you need to let him know why it’s important to you to get engaged/married. That commitment is important to you, and you appreciate that he wants to be so responsible, but you feel like you are suffering because of other priorities in his life. In this case I might also suggest Mr. Bee’s plan, where basically you stay together but you focus on yourself and doing things you want to do. If you just try to live your life for you, and maybe spend less time together he will see hoe good he has it, and want to propose so you two can be together. 

Post # 6
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think your Boyfriend or Best Friend needs to reassess this house plan. if he plans to be with you indefinitely, what’s your role in picking the house? is he planning to live in this house for the next 10 years, and if you want to move in and raise kids with him in it, it’s up to you? that doesnt seem like such a good deal for you. and you cannot buy a house these days and plan to sell it in a few years and make money – just isn’t happening right now. You need to get him to put the brakes on this house thing, and not just because you want him to save for a ring!

Post # 8
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Rent is definitely NOT money down the drain – this is a common misconception! In the first few years of a 30 year mortgage you are putting essentially no capital into the house, you’re just paying off interest. You have to do all the maintenance yourself, etc etc. The NYTimes has a calculator somewhere on their site about this, but over the short term – which makes sense for young people – renting makes a lot more sense in most cases. 

Post # 9
Member
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Have you two sat down and looked at both your finances together? I would be really upset if my guy wouldn’t commit and said he wanted to settle all these long term financial issues before he proposed. Maybe if you can be open about your debt and how you plan to pay it off (since you’ve been paying it off faster than required, point that out too), and also when it will be totally settled. If you talk to a financial advisor/loan officer at a bank they should also be able to tell you about your credit and how it would impact a mortgage. It’s possbile that your student loans wont be that bad to future loans, and maybe that will help.

 

Post # 10
Member
1995 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

sounds like he’s making excuses.  if he wanted you to be his bride he’s ask you – with a cracker jack ring and you could get married at the courthouse or in a family backyard with a few guests.  Money can be a huge impact when deciding to get married but make sure you let him know you want to marry him but only if he truely wants to marry you and that you have a future together.

Post # 11
Member
1184 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

ditto to @snowflake119 – while paying rent does sometimes feel like putting money down the drain, it isn’t really.

i know some people will be appalled by this suggestion, but you mentioned you have money saved up for a wedding–would you consider offering to help pay for your ring? even if your bf doesn’t take you up on the offer, it might let him know just how much you want to get engaged soon. you could also talk about getting engaged but setting a date for a few years off…it would allow him time to buy a house and get settled there before the wedding expenses start piling up, but you would also feel like you have taken the next step and are moving in the right direction.

Post # 12
Member
2742 posts
Sugar bee

@snowflake119: Yep. Renting is seriously not money down the drain if you are a New Yorker because paying a mortgage is so expensive in this city. To the OP, I am sorry for what you  are going through. But maybe your bf is waiting a bit to get older. I know most guys up here where I live do date their gfs for a while. They get married around 30 or thereabouts (not that I’m wishing another 4 years of this on you though!)

Post # 13
Member
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

He wants to buy the house all on his own, without my input, which is fine as I have a large college debt

 This sounds very odd to me.  If this is a house you guys are going to live in together, why wouldn’t you as a couple look at houses.  Maybe you would not provide financial input but at least some input.  This sounds like he is very much still wanting to lead a single life (aka not having to take a partner’s thoughts/opinions into consideration).  To me it seems like he is treating you like a girlfriend but not someone he really considers his partner. 

 

He wants to buy a house first, and that is not going to happen until he finishes paying off school (which should be done in the next couple of months).

 Does he already have a down payment saved?  This is great he wants to pay off student loans before purchasing a house.  However if he still has 4-6 months to pay off student loans, then saving for a while, then finding and purchasing a house, that could all very easily still be 1-2+ years before he is a homeowner.  THEN he wants to save for a ring?  That timeline seems very long for a couple that has already been together that long.  Maybe he makes millions so saving will happen quicker than I am thinking??

 

My husband is also one to drag his feet and was taught to not propose until he is ready to support a wife.  We had several honest talks about this.  I told him I didn’t want to wait that long and I would love him and want to marry him even if he didn’t have a house or a secure career. 

Post # 14
Member
1995 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree with @caszos You can’t always plan & save for everything 100% or else you’ll never get there!  Why does he not want to involve you in something that could or probably will be half yours one day?  Why does he want a house so bad to start with?  It makes sense to buy a house after you’ve paid for a wedding or ring and started to settle down with your lives together.  Some guys are slow but this seems determintely not combining important things in your lives. 

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