(Closed) It’s been 4 1/2 years–how long is too long until he proposes?

posted 10 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

Honestly, I think you guys really need to sit down and have a talk about a lot of your financial issues.  He is either confused about a lot of things, or just making excuses to put off a wedding.  As long as you are paying at least the required amount on your student loans that you are actually BUILDING your credit.  I have student loans in my name and I have an excellent credit score.  If I were you I would be really careful about getting into a situation where you are living in a house that is totally in his name.  Especially if you will be helping to pay towards the mortgage (or cover other bills so he can afford to pay the whole mortgage).  It concerns me that your BF is scared about owning a house together because of the experience of one of your friends.  It shows me that he has a concern that you two will break up and therefore he really isn’t ready to marry you (or even sure he wants to).  Also, you say you have money “in the bank” saved up for a wedding.  Have you invested this somewhere that it’s earning more than the interest rate you are being charged on your student loans?  If it’s just sitting in cash, then it’s smarter to just pay of the loan and save yourself the interest cost.

Post # 18
Member
2739 posts
Sugar bee

No, at the risk of sounding like an ageist, you are 24. Even if you spend 6 years with him and it ends up not working out, don’t think of it as wasting your time if you really were in love and circumstances made it so you didn’t end up together. Anyhow, I’m a bit older than you, in  my 30’s, and I was with my guy for 4 years before he proposed so…different strokes etc.

Post # 19
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

does he know what kind of ring you want?  i was in a kind of similar situation–he had these financial plans to have some loans paid off before proposing.  but we sat down to talk about it and turns out what he envisioned an engagement ring costing was WAAAAYY more than what i would want spent on a ring. i guess he had a girlfriend before who would talk about engagement rings and he assumed what she wanted was what every girl wanted.  so so so wrong.

once he realized i didn’t want the most gigantic diamond ever and it didn’t have to cost ninety billion dollars, he didn’t hesitate one bit to propose and then buy me exactly the ring i wanted.  and the loans weren’t totally paid off yet.

 

you may want to point out to him that a ring is a lot less than a down payment.  or it can be.  i don’t know what kind of ring you want.

Post # 22
Member
1184 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

4.5 years is definitely not too long, especially when you are 24. i live in new york so i know things are somewhat different here, but i’m 27 and some people consider that young to get engaged. three girls in my group of friends got engaged this summer (we are all 27 and all live in ny): one couple had been together for 5 years, Fiance and I had been dating a little over 2.5 years, and the third couple had been together for 8 months. there’s no magic number or formula…it’s just when you (both) feel ready.

Post # 23
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I think you really need to have a talk to him and discuss timelines and how long it will take to save for a house, then a ring, then a wedding. Because it really does take time, and it could be years and years – particularly if he isnt wanting any financial input from you!

Also – if he is going to buy the house you two will live in, but you are going to contribute towards bills and the running of that house (but not the mortgage?) you need to come up with an agreement to protect yourself legally.

My partner and I bought our first home a year ago, and he was the one who had the deposit for the house saved. It didnt bother him, but it certainly bothered me and so we have an agreement that if things went pear shaped, we would sell the house and he would get his deposit back.

That said, you two are planning a life together, I dont think it is fair (even if he has the best of intentions) to leave you off the mortgage or that whole process… ask him to see a financial planner and to look at the two scenarios – what house can he afford by himself and what rate, and then what house you can both afford and what rate… it might put him in perspective. In Australia, debt – particularly that from school – isnt counted against you, but rather taken into consideration as to what you can afford.

And with the whole getting engaged thing… I would jsut try to be very open with how important it is to you so that he is very clear.

good luck

Post # 25
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I agree with the OP’s that rent is not necessarily money down the drain. My guy bought and he has lost a LOT more in equity (his whole, large down payment) than he would have “lost” paying rent. It depends so much on the area in which you live. And the market. In a lot of cases, owning can be very overrated.

It’s good that you took money out of the equation, that you don’t need  a bit house/big ring etc. It’s more about that you want to have a life WITH HIM. And I have the same boundary that I will not live with my guy without engagement. It’s good to stand by that, becuase if you have to move out later it can be really painful (as you probably can see from browsing these boards….)

The important thing is that you let him know what was important to you.  To build a life with him.

View original reply
@caszos: that’s right! So many guys have this thought that they have to be in a 150% secure financial position where they can support a wife and kids before even making the move towards engagement! It’s good to hear you were successful in talking about this.  It’s sort of an old-fashioned belief but still so prevalent.  Guys like a woman who’s independent and can take care of herself, bring something to the table as far as career and contributing to the family/household, and yet they don’t want to commit becuase they can’t support us? It’s definitely a paradox that, in your case, was worked through with constructive conversations. Well done!

 

Post # 27
Member
3761 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

View original reply
@yellowlinedpage: Im glad you guys talked!!  4.5 years is a long time to be waiting, and honestly, I barely lasted three!!  In the end if you can wait though and he’s the right guy, its worth waiting for. 

Again, I think a lot of guys also look at owning a home as financial security to provide for a wife.  He may be thinking about the fact that he has to ask to marry you (I’m assuming) and he wants to be sure he can support you  (if he had to). 

But I think you should also really have a say in this house thing.  Another friend of mine is going through this and I agreed with her that its really important that she has an input in where they will be living for the next 5-7-10 years. 

he said he had budgeted it all out many times recently and that it was all going to work.

I would still question what this budget looks like and what timeline it puts you on.  Did he mention how long of a budget it was?  Have you guys talked about what might happen if something comes up while on that budget and you don’t meet the budget on that timeline?  What do you do then??   It just sounds like timeline still need to be discussed because I think so often, the girl assumes he means one thing when actuality he means something completely different (I was there too!)

 

Post # 29
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

View original reply
@yellowlinedpage: 

“Part of the reasoning behind that is bc he has a friend who dated a girl for like 5 or 6 yrs, they bought a place together, then she left him and he couldnt afford both 1/2s of the payments.”

Grrr! How come guys get to compare our relationships to other people’s relationships, but we get in trouble when we do it? For example, one of his friends gets engaged after a year….Seriously.

Regarding the rates: what if you get engaged, then he buys the house with his credit as the basis, and you get married after closing on the house?

As for the paradox of guys wanting their partner to have their own income, and yet wanting to be able to provide 100% if they have to, I just have to say *sigh*. This is really a lifestyle decision too.  If he makes good money, he probably could provide for you and a family on his income alone. But not in the more luxurious style which we’re accustomed to when we get used to having 2 incomes.  Does that make sens?

Post # 31
Member
3761 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

View original reply
@yellowlinedpage: This sounds like great news!! 

It still may be smart, even if engaged/married when buying a house to try to buy it off of one persons salary.  That way if you want to be a Stay-At-Home Mom or one of you looses a job you know you can still pay the bills for that house.  Plus, its nice that it gives you lots of flexibility for repairs, etc. 

The topic ‘It’s been 4 1/2 years–how long is too long until he proposes?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors