Post # 1
So it’s been a week ago that I packed my bags and left my SO due to no committment after 3yrs. of living together. I told him we needed a break and give him time to think about dumping his baggage of his last marriage of 20yrs in which the ex cheated. I’m giving him the opportunity to have dinner with me next thur (which will have been 2wks)to tell me anything he needs to say. He said he can’t live without me and really wants to be a family with me blah blah blah. If he’s smart I’m thinking he’ll pop the question. Not getting my hopes up but kinda wishing he’ll come to his senses. I told him I will not be dating or talking to him after thur if he doesn’t want a real committment. Do you bees think he’ll ask? He’s miserable without me,he texts and calls all the time. Whats the vote?
Post # 3
Just be emotionally prepared for it to end up either way, although I understand that’s easier said than done. I think another thing you need to consider is whether he is truly ready. You don’t want to be in a marriage in which your spouse is still figuring himself out after a breakup because that is not fair to you. If he does so, make sure he isn’t just proposing because he feels backed into a corner and doesn’t want to lose you.
I think it’s not really possible for us to predict whether he’s going to ask you because we don’t know him or your entire situation. Best of luck to you and remember to keep your head on straight.
Post # 4
That’s a tough one. I think the question you really need to ask yourself is do you still WANT to marry him? If he does propose, are you going to spend your entire engagement and marriage worrying that he only proposed because you left and he felt he had to?
Post # 5
I agree with what lezlers said…..do you really want a proposal that was coerced? We have been living together for 5 years. Both of us cheated on by ex spouses. Of course I wanted a formal commitment, but wanted it to be a free-will decision.
You might have to decide what is more important to you….a ring on your hand or him in your life.
Post # 6
I wouldn’t want to marry someone who left me. And I wouldn’t want to marry someone who uses their presence as leverage. I’d call this one over.
Post # 7
I don’t think I could marry someone in either of those positions. While I understand your perspective and how it’s an impossible position, coercing somebody into marriage doesn’t project a healthy relationship. Good luck!
Post # 8
It just would seem to me that he would be asking not because he wants to but only because you want him to do so.
It would set a really bad precedent for marriage i.e. if I don’t get what I want even tho it obviously is not what you want I will leave.
I don’t know that I would even have dinner. If he really wants you in his life why would he have waited this long – I mean you have already moved out already I would think he would have maybe clued into the fact that he was loosing you when you were packing boxes.
Post # 9
@laural: When I left, he asked if it was over or if we were “on a break”. I didn’t really know what to say, so I said we were on a break knowing it very well may be over between us. Since I’ve moved out I feel we have made alot of progress being honest and looking at ourselves and what we could have done differently. He said it was my attitude of demanding that he SHOULD go above and beyond and my lack of not wanting to do the same for him that made him back off. It was him dividing everything(bills,children, even laundry)that made me leave because he was showing me he didn’t want to live as one unit where everything is done together with “us” not yours and mine. We were basically roomates with benefits! We’ve each admitted this is what built the wall. We have talked long hrs since I left on how we can break down the wall and be a family in a committed relationship and we both want to change things because we both are crazy about each other and each other’s best friend. I don’t want to pressure him but I don’t know what else to do because I won’t continue to date him because I did that for 3yrs. already. I won’t move back in without the commitment either. I thought he might step up to the plate and ask thur. I am prepared to walk though if ther’s no ring as hard as it may be. I guess ther would be no point in continuing the relationship-like beating a dead horse. Any other opinions????
Post # 10
I don’t think he’ll propose next week. It sounds like you both agree that how things have been the last several years have not made you happy. Wouldn’t you want to see some real change and growth before engagement? It’s a big risk to take to get engaged knowing that if things stay how they are today, it’s not good enough. If it were me, I’d want to see the change in action before I’d really feel comfortable.
Post # 11
You mention his marriage of 20 years. How long has it been since that ended? I know you’ve been living with him for 3 years, but how long before that did his marriage end? That was a really long relationship, so it could take some time for him to really get over it.
I dated my ex for just over 6 years, and honestly, it probably took me 3 years to completely get over him. I was dating my now-DH during that time, and though I was completely committed to him, I wasn’t ready to get married that soon.
If its only been 3 years after such a long relationship, it may be that hes just not ready. He may want to be ready and want to be with you, but sometimes it just takes time.
And, if there is backstory or something that I’m missing, I apologize, I’m just going off the original post. I wish you the best of luck!!
Post # 12
I’m with the posters who are feeling that coercion and threats aren’t really a productive way to start a marriage. I think that marriage is about two people committing to each other, and if he isn’t ready to commit and you are, then maybe the break should move into break up?
I think you’re setting yourself up for disappointment if you are expecting a ring in one week. It could take months or even years for a relationship to recover, change and grow from this kind of thing. Two weeks of desperate phone calls don’t really cement new relationship patterns.
EDIT** I think if you decide that you want to try again, you should do it in the spirit of compromise, not grasping for a ring. Maybe set up a joint account to pay for household things with him, and he can agree to propose in the next year? If you can’t compromise and work things out now, how will you do it in a marriage?
Post # 13
@nonimouse12: His divorce ended 4yrs. ago. I think living with me for 3yrs. should be enough time to know if he wants to marry me or not. The worst part is he’s had a ring for me now for 2 1/2yrs locked in a safe. He admitted to “almost”proposing a few times but his fears and uncertainty stopped him. Then resentment set in on my end as well as hurt. I thought maybe I wasn’t worth marrying 🙁 He said that I misread his intentions that it was merely fear of divorce and me not having a good attitude about equally contributing that scared him and he absolutely cannot live without me. When I left, it FORCED him to deal with his previous baggage which otherwise wouldn’t have been dealt with at all. The thought of forcing him to propose isn’t sitting to well with me but I really don’t know what else to do because I don’t want to lose him,don’t want to just date,and refuse to move back in without a commitment so now what????
Post # 14
Don’t expect a proposal. If he’s really coming around and realizing that he wants you no matter what, then the committment will follow. You need to be prepared to move forward and stick by what you said when you left. He will come around or he won’t, but don’t count on your leaving to have gotten him ready to propose.
I wish you luck though and hope that he does come around!
Post # 15
@mrstilly: I hope he comes to his senses! I can’t picture myself without him but the committment and the doing things together as far as finances goes means alot to me. I guess we’ll see what happens. If it’s not meant to be it might be a stepping stone towards something else in God’s plan I guess……..