(Closed) It's coming up on 8 years, still no progress…

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
1739 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

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dawnmelan:  So where are you guys on your timeline? Have you even had the talk? Need more details. How old are you guys?

Post # 4
Member
1726 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I was in a similar position as you. We were together for 7 years, lived together for 4, had 2 dogs.. we basically were married without the paper. There were times I struggled with it, but I always knew that he was committed to me and that it was just a matter of time. We met when we were both 19 so marriage wasn’t even on our minds the first few years. But even at my most frustrated, I couldn’t dream of leaving him because that wouldn’t have made me any happier. He totally surprised me with his proposal – I never knew he was looking at rings or had anything in the works. It was right before we turned 27, and we got married at 29, last year. Basically only you’ll know whether or not he’s worth staying with. Follow your heart!

Post # 5
Member
7111 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Engagement and marriage is a two way street. You need to discuss what you want and what he wants and try to find a compromise. He doesn’t seem terribly interested in marriage, so I doubt it will happen anytime soon if he’s left to his own devices. So decide how important marraige is to you, and if it’s really important you need to let him know that. 

Post # 6
Member
1730 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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dawnmelan:  I think, at this point in your relationship, it’s well within your right to have a serious conversation about marriage and a timeline. The fact that he’s never thought about it in 8 years is a little weird to me. I’m the same age as you, and Fiance and I have been together for almost 7 years (and we’re getting married this June). We got engaged after about 5.5 years and we both had definitely thought about and discussed what we wanted for our relationship long before that point. I definitely have a few friends who have been in relationships as long or longer than we have and aren’t engaged/married yet, so I don’t think it’s weird that you’re not – but I do think it’s weird that in 8 years, you’ve never truly discussed marriage nor has your SO even thought about it. Talk to him! Don’t worry about being a nag – this is your life, too, and you’re allowed to have a say in things.

Post # 7
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37 posts
Newbee

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dawnmelan:  Omg that is EXACTLY what my boyfriend said when I first brought it up– “I hadn’t really thought about it.” It blew my mind! I’m 26 and he’s 27, many of our friends are getting engaged and married, and we’re completely in love and happy. In my mind, of course an engagement would happen before too long!

After MANY conversations (not really fights, but I definitely cried out of being upset), I’ve been able to explain why I need to know for sure that he wants to marry me, and why I need to feel like he’s excited about it. I don’t want it to be something that he just does because that’s the thing to do, or because I gave him an ultimatum. And over time, he’s been able to explain why it scares him (he feels like he needs to be more of an “adult”). Eventually, he started talking less abstractly about us getting married, and more realistically about it.

So, yeah, I recommend the talks/tears. If it matters to you, it’s worth it. You deserve to know where things are going.

Post # 8
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1739 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

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dawnmelan:  Ah. You said there that he had not even thought about it. My SO said the same thing after we were together for 3 years. Wasn’t a blip in his mind, like yeah people get married all the time but the process was never clear to him. He saw himself being married but not the steps to get there and the time line was never clear to him too.

I’d bring it up in the car or some place you don’t have to make eye contact. Ask him when he thinks a good age to be a dad would be (talk about someone else you know as a dad if you need to calm the conversation but get his opinion). Then you’ll get a good idea on when we sees that happening and then you can slip in, “oh that would be good if we got married around XYZ (date/year etc..) we could TTC around XYZ”.

Be concise and calm don’t beat around the bush too much also be ready to drop it for a little while too. Guys process things differently and sometimes they need time away from you to decide or really think about things.

Good luck! (Oh my update is that he has the ring- just waiting on proposal, we’re 28/30 been together 4.5+ years)

Post # 10
Member
37 posts
Newbee

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MstoMrsH:  What is it with guys in their late 20s being so oblivious??! What are they spending all of their time thinking about?! lol

Post # 11
Member
1739 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

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camcambee:  I thought the same thing for a while but honestly? When guys get together this isn’t something they talk about unless their gf or someone elses gf has brought it up to them, then conversation happens and that’s how they figure out what’s normal and what they should be doing lol. My guy is a very independant thinker though so any suggestion or hint from a friend would not be welcomed.

My parents spoke to me about it but never my brother… Maybe that’s a bit of it too? Wish they were on our page though ๐Ÿ˜‰

Post # 13
Member
18 posts
Newbee

You’re in good company. 6.5 years (7 this year) and only in the last year have we started talking seriously about enagament, etc. My BF was (probably still is) the exact same way…..he isn’t leaving, is happy where we are at, but just isn’t ready to make that leap yet. I also am at the point where every single girl I know (not exagerating) got engaged last year and it has been a little hard on me. Not to be selfish, but I keep wondering how did they manage to get the guys who commit immediately, and I found the guy who moves at a snails pace?? We got into somewhat of an argument on this subject last week, and we talked about it after and he just was honest with me and said that its not a good time financially (trying to save for a house) and also that he is feeling a ton a pressure to propose (possibly self inflicted….NOT from me I can assure you) from other people and he doesn’t want to propose under the weight of those negative feelings and wants it to be special. Long story short, the ring isn’t coming anytime soon….but I know it WILL come and as much as that sucks….I am glad he was honest with me and helped me to understand his POV and how it is affecting his progress to make this happen. I let him I understood and repsected his feelings, but that I DO want to be engaged and get married, but we will do it when we are both ready for the step. I think you just need to have a honest talk because I know myself, and when there NO communication you start feeling resentful and angry (like why are you doing this to me?). I think you will be happier knowing the truth and understanding his timeline. And when you do finally get that ring…you will appreciate it aftere waiting so long ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 14
Member
18 posts
Newbee

I also just want to point out that everyone is different…..you may feel stagnant in your relationship because you’ve done all of the other things already (moved in, bought a house, got a dog ,etc.) I think we get hung up too much on the appearance of happiness and the ring, the wedding, etc. After seeing several close friends have all of this, and then go through divorce (in the time Ive been dating BF), I realize there is no magic recipe for success…no magic “number” of years before you get married…..enjoy your relationship and everything that makes it special….just because you have a piece of paper doesn’t make you any different.

 

Post # 15
Member
3102 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

So you dropped the subject so you didn’t get into fights. That doesn’t bode well. You’ll get plenty of opinions here that encourage you to wait, to be patient, to not discuss marriage with your SO, lest you put him off. My opinion differs. 

If after several years he can’t discuss it without giving you a reasonable timeline I think it’s wise to consider other options. And for those who say you’re young, perhaps a biology refresher is needed. If you want children with the benefit of marriage you have only so much time. I’ve seen too many people waste that time and regret it deeply but by then it’s too late.

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