(Closed) It’s complicated…

posted 8 years ago in Weddingbee
Post # 3
Member
1580 posts
Bumble bee

Three months is a really long time between weddings, so I don’t think you have to worry about anything related to that.

Honestly, I would gladly offer up any information about venues, food, invitations, etc to a sister or sister in law to help her plan her wedding. I have sooooo much awesome inspiration that I wasn’t able to use, that I’d want her to use it at her wedding, and I’d totally help make it happen.

So I think you should look at it as a bonding experience. But in the end, concentrate on making your wedding exactly how you want it, and you should have nothing to be jealous about.

Post # 4
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Wait, what exactly is the problem? You don’t like that she’s getting attention now? I don’t know if that would be any different if she had chosen a different date. And it was at least considerate of her to make it 3 months after yours and not a ‘destination’ wedding which would really make guests choose financially. I’m just a little confused about what’s upsetting you, sounds like the attention diversion.

Post # 5
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

First off, I think you need to set some boundaries. Let her know that you’re struggling with jealousy and that you think you booking anything for her would be a bad idea for your relationship. Stress that your relationship is the most important thing to you, and that you don’t want to take any risks in hurting it.

Let her do her own dirty work; it’s not your responsibility to plan or book anything of hers.

Post # 7
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee

I think three months is long enough between the two weddings for guests to attend both, so you shouldn’t worry about that. Regarding jealousy: since the guests in question are her extended family, I’m not sure that you should be jealous of them caring more about her wedding than yours. They’re not your family, right? It only makes sense they are more involved in her planning, and sending save-the-dates isn’t going to do a whole lot to change that. Many people get a lot more excited about a daughter getting married than a son, because the bride’s family is traditionally more involved in planning. I would focus on YOUR family and your close friends to share your excitement with. 

Now, as for you helping her plan, I think she is a bit out of line there. Are you guys friends from before your engagement to FI? I am confused as to why she would expect someone she doesn’t know very well to plan. I would just end any expectations now by stating very clearly, but nicely. Next time she start talking about her plans, say something like, “Those sound like great ideas. I wish I could be more involved with your planning, but I’m sure you can imagine how crazy it is with my own planning and [insert whatever you’ll be doing after the wedding.] Just keep on repeating that if she keeps bringing it up. And get Fiance to relay the same message to his family. 

Post # 8
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Well, in that case refuse to plan her wedding! Just go about your business putting yours together and if she wants to know who your vendors are then she can ask! She chose to do this and you are too busy to plan her wedding. Plus, I’ll bet she really wants to do most of it anyway. Where is her FI? Where is her Mom? They should help out too, not another bride trying to plan her own wedding!

Post # 9
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee

PS In response to your last post, plenty of brides plan long-distance. I’ve been to the city where I’m getting married once, and I am doing all the planning myself with no help with anyone there. Granted, it’ll be harder with a time difference, but she can definitely plan her own wedding from Scotland. Just make sure you clearly let her know what you are and aren’t willing to help with so you are both on the same page.

Post # 10
Member
1580 posts
Bumble bee

Ok, I guess I didn’t realize she actually expected you to book things for her… here is my advice on that- DON’T DO IT! Don’t get financially involved in any way. Don’t put down any deposits for her, even if she promises to pay you back. Tell her that you don’t have the cash at the moment. Money can cause tons of problems. Also, if she ends up not liking what you picked, then you’re the one she will blame.

You can let her down gently by telling her all the other things you have to do for your own wedding, which is stressful enough, plus whatever else you have going on in your life. In this case, I think she should work with her mother to plan her wedding. You can help out, but I wouldn’t sign myself up to complete any tasks if I were you.

Post # 11
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t know, I think people are different and want different things.  Some, everyone here, has definite things they want from their wedding and are horrified at the idea of their mother or whoever planning everything others aren’t very interested in planning a wedding and just want to show up.  If your Future Sister-In-Law is a very laid back kind of bride that doesn’t care about many aspects I think it makes sense for you to provide her with the information you’ve gathered so she/her mother can use it.  It doesn’t cost you anythign to shoot out an occasional email saying, these people are great, these vendors suck and maybe asking your vendors if they have her date available.  I imagine that’s all she wants which IMO not too much to ask.  Of course if turns out she does ask you to do a lot of running around or crafting on her behalf you should draw bounderies and nicely refuse.

Post # 12
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I can completely understand the frustration in being expected to plan her wedding three months after yours. After you plan yours, you’ll be exhausted, and honestly, the last thing you’ll want to do is worry about taking care of someone else’s wedding.

I would just tell her, “I think it’s great that you trust me enough to handle the details of your wedding, and under different circumstances, I’d be more than happy to do it. But because we’re planning our own wedding, we’re finding that to be stressful enough, and when it’s over, I’d really like to relax and enjoy the newlywed life. I hope you understand.”

Post # 13
Member
4480 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

You can send her the list of vendors you end up contacting if you want to be helpful, but she should do the work with them. That sounds fair to me.

Post # 14
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Yeah, i agree, tell her you cannot plan her wedding for her. She and her Fiance need to be savvy and put in the time and effort if they want their own wedding. Just tell her you’re too busy! She must not realize how much work goes into it (i thought it was just no big deal until i realized how MANY things you have to do for a wedding) or she’s just taking advantage of you. Or she doesn’t care! If she wants a wedding planner, she needs to budget for one and PAY for one.

I bet tehre are plenty of planners out there who’d LOVE for someone ot say “here’s X amount of money. Make me a wedding!” and go with it.

I’m sorry it’s just selfish what she’s doing to do and completely unreasonable!

Post # 15
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I think her expectations about you planning her wedding are probably rooted in ignorance more than laziness.  I had no idea what I was getting into before beginning this process, and she probably didn’t realize the enormity of what she was asking when she made the request.

Agree with PPs that sending her a vendor list would be a good idea along with a note explaining that planning is such a personal process that you’d hate to take the opportunity away from her.  If she pushes you can gently explain that the preparations for your own wedding have you swamped and you just couldn’t do hers justice.  Then recommend a coordinator!

As far as his family, I don’t think you should take their behavior personally.  Weddings traditionally “belong” to the bride, and she’s the daughter in her family.  My FI’s family is certainly inteested, but if one his sisters were to become engaged I would expect her celebration to take up most of their attention because, well, she’s “their” bride.

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