(Closed) Its just a little crush?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2512 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I would honestly be really upset. As much as I want to say I’d be cool with it, I definetly wouldn’t.

My Fiance and I were best friends long before we dated. So I know about all the girls he had “crushes” on or dated. A lot of these girls still hang out with us. And this in itself makes me jealous, even though he says that he doesn’t have feelings for them anymore.

I wish I could offer some advice, but I’m lost on this one. I would say talk with him and tell him exactly how you feel. Hopefully he has some comforting words for you!

Post # 4
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2010

On the one hand, I would be really upset, too. It would make me really insecure about having friends around.

On the other hand, it’s not exactly something he could help. And I’m not sure how/when he could bring that up. “Hey, that girl friend of yours is pretty hot, huh?” He probably thought it was best to keep it to himself.

I myself found one of my FI’s best friends attractive. I didn’t have a crush on him or anything, but it made me really uncomfortable. I finally just said in passing, “He’s a good-looking guy” to my Fiance and felt a million times better. He wasn’t upset with me about it. But I think if my Fiance said the same to me, I’d be really annoyed.

It’s a toughie!

Post # 5
Member
2588 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

FH let it slip one time that he thought Maid/Matron of Honor was “sexy,” which really hurt at the time because he always describes me as “cute” or “pretty.” But I trust both of them, and Maid/Matron of Honor is happily married, so we’re all good! I did have a discussion with FH about it and why it hurt me, though, so it was good to clear the air rather than hang onto all that resentment and hurt.

Post # 6
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee

Yeah, I would be a bit bothered.  However, they aren’t going to do anything.  You’ll have to try to focus on that.

Post # 7
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m struggling with the fact that he even told you.  I’m not sure what good will ever come out of that.  Also the whole idea of a CRUSH?  That’s a big word.  It’s one thing to think your friends are cute, funny, etc.  But to develop a crush?  That is clearly a man without boundaries.  Might need to have a talking about setting some up.

Post # 9
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Fiance and I grew out of the same group of best friends, and so we all met and became close at the same time.  He has said in the past that he thought my best friend was very attractive when we all first met, and he had a crush on her.  It never bothered me, it was then, this is now.  He’s with me and not her.

I dunno, I don’t get upset by these things.  Everyone gets crushes, don’t they?  It would obviously be different if they ACTED on them

Post # 10
Member
2512 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@TG20: Well if it was a loooooooooong time ago, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Like I said, I get jealous when I think about it. I think maybe he may have wanted to be with them but got stuck with me sort of idea. But seriously, that’s just my own insecurities. If this was in the past, just talk to him and tell him how you feel and talk it out.

Post # 11
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@TG20: Totally get it.  In that respect, I mean, I wouldn’t have said anything if that were me.  Has zero relevance to your relationship at all, and that’s just something that will DEFINITELY start drama. 

I don’t know, maybe he felt guilty about it?  And wanted to purge?  Otherwise, I think there are some things we think in our head that are best left unsaid 😉

Post # 12
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

@TG20: I know exactly where you’re coming from! My husband went to school with a couple we’re now great friends with. Before the couple got together, he had actually made out with the girl one night at a party. He said that she persued him, and he never really liked her in that way. He ended up introducing her to his friend, and they’re now married.

So, even though there was technically no feelings there…he still made out with her, and I don’t think he ever let his friend know about it! They’re both obviously over it, and we go on vacation with this couple every year. I love the girl…she’s great…but there’s always this thing in the back of my mind that knows they kissed! Haha…it’s stupid, but it’s there!

Post # 13
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think it is different from having a crush on a celebrity because a celebrity is completely out of reach. 
For me it depends on whether he had that crush before or after we got together. If it was before then that cant be helped, but if it was after you got together then that would be very upsetting.

Post # 14
Member
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Let’s take the word “crush” out of play because I think that might help. Crush means a lot of things to a lot of different people and you’re seeing that across the responses here. So let’s stop talking about a crush.

Basically, he was attracted to another woman. If you boil it down that way, then do you still have a problem with it?

I’ll tell you I’m kind of hoping the alternate phrasing doesn’t bother you as much. Because truth be told, we are all going to be attracted to other people. This is not a male behavior, it’s a human behavior. And what makes us good husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, etc., is that we don’t act on that attraction. Even if it’s someone we work next to every day. In it’s traditional sense, getting married doesn’t mean you’ll never be attracted to another person. It simply means you’ll know better than to act on it. Because the love you share with your partner is worth more to you than a passing attraction.

I don’t think he’s being irresponsible or a bad mate. I think he merely chose to tell you something he should have kept to himself. 😉

Post # 16
Member
713 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I get jealous about that kind of thing all time. Its frustrating… because my FH is not very jealous himself and doesn’t really care about boys I used to like.

Recently, my FH hired this friend of ours to work for him for awhile (we all used to work together… she was perfect for the job) I asked him if he had ever slept with her… we’ve known each other for a very long time and we all used to party together back in the day… and my FH got around a little bit! Anyways, he said that no – he had never slept with her. Relief washed over me because he was going to be working with this girl every day. But then he followed with “… but there was a time when I really wanted to sleep with her!!!” I was so upset!! I mean – couldn’t he tell the reason I was asking about it??!! I got over it eventually.

I usually tell my FH when I’m feeling jealous and he’s starting to understand how to make me feel more secure. I also know that my jealousy is my issue and I have to deal with it!!

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