It's not about the ring: Something I wish guys understood

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

Well said! My current boyfriend is amazing but I was strung along by an ex of 7 years. Was happy to buy a home, share a bank account, have a child… but wouldnt do marriage. We even went to a couples counselor and the counselor got fed up with him.

As a feminist it really hurt my ego about feeling like I had to sit pretty and wait until I was told. I hated being a passive participant in planning my life.

Honestly I know leaving isnt always the answer… but being with someone who enthusiastically wants to plan together has really changed my view. if I were ever single again I think that wishy washy “just wait” talk would be a dealbreaker for me. Not that I would expect things on my timeline – both people have to be ready. But I would expect clear communication. We deserve that!

Post # 4
Member
923 posts
Busy bee

Women can also propose to their significant other.

Post # 6
Member
882 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

Reddit is useful for relationship advice if you’re curious about the opinions of dudes in their 20s who think their Snapchats and internet browsing histories should be protected from their girlfriends by the Constitution. And when the topic of marriage comes up, you’ll usually get a few of the “not like other girls” who were proposed to on the toilet and need you to know how much they love boobs and BBQ and hate makeup and jewelery. 

Post # 9
Member
923 posts
Busy bee

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phillygirl93 :  
View original reply
duchessgummybunns :  It is a cool story, actually.

My DH proposed to me. I am not against men proposing to women. I am just merely stating we don’t need to just sit around and wait for it. Women have every right to propose too. As far as would a man actually want that? Who knows? But if you have good communication with your SO, that’s something you can talk about and decide. Even if you decide on having your man propose, that’s a cool story too. But I think it’s important either way to have that communication line open. If women are truly worried/upset/etc. about their man not proposing, the two of them should be able to talk about it openly and honestly.

No need to be so harsh.

Post # 10
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

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tulipdazey :  100% agree about being able to talk openly and honestly. I think if you cant… probably shouldnt be getting engaged.

But I do think Phillygirl and others are referring to situations where they have communicated and the boyfriend/SO has given assurances that YES they want the same future and YES they plan to take the next step but then drag their feet and make excuses. I had an ex like this and it SUCKED.

At a certain point all conversations have been had and if the SO isnt ready/has changed their mind then they need to be an adult and communicate that with clear expecatations of the next step.

I also think we ladies need to be more confident that if this man wont give us what we want and need in a fair and mutually respectful way – its ok to move on. Wanting someone to be excited about your future together is not an unreasonable expectation.

Post # 11
Member
923 posts
Busy bee

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mel2 :  Yes, I 100% agree with all of this. And I totally understood about the getting the assurances you need just to have them drag their feet. I’ve been there as well.

Post # 12
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

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tulipdazey :  Yea that sucks. Im older now and I look back and wonder why I didnt leave sooner. I see a lot of myself in the ladies here.

Post # 13
Member
1129 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

The only issue with your comparison is that most men wouldn’t wait around very long for sex. They’d just go find some other girl who will sleep with them. However, once you’re invested in a relationship to the point where you expect a proposal, and aren’t getting one, most women don’t have the nerve to leave. Except I know you did, I remember your story. I’m just say that a lot of women would stick around for years and waste tons of their life on a non-commital man

Post # 14
Member
498 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017 - Orange County, CA

View original reply
tulipdazey :  I love your explanation because I think it gets to the root of the “waiting” issue.  If a woman is sitting around waiting and hoping, with the proposal constantly being “around the corner” the communication is not clear (or just not there).

Post # 15
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

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tulipdazey :  The point is this thread is not ABOUT who proposes to whom. It’s about being on the same page (and HONEST) regarding getting engaged and married. 

When I told my now husband that I wanted to get engaged and married, that was basically me proposing to him. When HE proposed to me with a ring 8 months later, that was him agreeing and saying Yes, I want to marry you too! That was basically him accepting my proposal. 

So your “solution” for a man dragging his feet, picture painting about the rosy future while using every excuse in the book NOT to propose, blatantly disrespecting both the woman and the relationship…. is for the woman to go out on an even longer limb and full on propose? Just entirely throw her self-respect out the window? Beg?

People who suggest this as a “solution” are entirely missing the point.

And it also comes off as condescending, since, obviously, we ALL are aware that a woman can propose. 

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