It's not about the ring: Something I wish guys understood

posted 1 year ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Hostess
3085 posts
Sugar bee

tulipdazey :  Are you going to say something really crazy next, like that women can vote, too? (I kid, I kid).

But really, I feel like you missed the point of her post. Way to invalidate her feelings and miss an opportunity to support another women instead of minimizing her experience.

Post # 17
Member
928 posts
Busy bee

duchessgummybunns :  Oh, I would never tell someone to beg! But, men put themselves completely out there when they propose, even if you have talked about wanting to get married someday. Even if the woman proposes, I would hope that couple had talked about it beforehand as well and the man had said at that point that he wanted to get married at some point too. Either way, both are putting themselves completely out there.

I didn’t come here to start a fight or to put anyone down. I was just stating that there is always another option. Looking back, I should have explained that rather than making a quick comment and moving on.

Post # 18
Member
2447 posts
Buzzing bee

tulipdazey :  We all know there are other options. Spoiler alert: you can also leave a man who’s stringing you along. Shocker, I know.

I’m not trying to fight with you – but your comment was invalidating. 

Post # 20
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I was talking about my frustration a little with my mom one day and she quoted the movie When Harry Met Sally. “When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible” 

I felt like she hit the nail right on the head (for me anyway) 

One day my boyfriend said “I know you are excited about the ring and its taken me some time to save, I’m sorry” I responded and said I am not excited about the ring I am excited about spending my life with you. The ring (in my head) is what gives me the permissison the shout it from the rooftops. He loves me – I love him – and we are doing this 🙂   (I had the rug pulled out from under me in a previous relationship so there’s a small part of me that fears I will get hurt again thats why I’m too afraid to scream it from the rook tops just yet!)

Post # 21
Member
3193 posts
Sugar bee

@mel2, this is so true….“I also think we ladies need to be more confident that if this man wont give us what we want and need in a fair and mutually respectful way – its ok to move on. Wanting someone to be excited about your future together is not an unreasonable expectation.”

If they make excuses and continue to ignore your feelings, take that as a sign for your future.  They won’t change once you get the proposal and wedding.  My exH also strung me along for years about having kids “Oh, we don’t have the money right now.  We need a bigger house.”  I finally ended it because my whole life was about waiting for him to be ready and make the move.  

I am now with someone new and we make decisions together concerning our future.  

 

 

Post # 22
Member
740 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I spend a decent amount of time on reddit, because I am really into aquaria and there are some very knowledgeable people on there – but you do have to be aware of who the primary readership is. There are a lot of angry guys on there, who wander out from the ‘incel’ forums and say really stupid stuff. 

I was proposed to twice, and said no the first time. The ring was there *GASP* but my boyfriend and I hadn’t discussed it and I was not in that point in my life. If I just wanted the ring I could have snatched it up. When my husband proposed it was done properly (for me, not saying this is by any means a proper way for anyone else) and we had discussed the future, discussed getting married, and then he went and talked to my (very traditional) parents. THEN I got the ring, and we moved in together. 

Sure I love my rings – but I love them because they remind me whenever I see them that I’ve got a wonderful man in my corner, and a very happy life.

Post # 24
Member
1111 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

tulipdazey :  Do you really believe that men are putting themselves completely out there when they propose/taking a vulnerable risk? Even when they and their SO have discussed marriage, and they’ve said they want to be the ones to propose? My husband and I basically agreed we were going to get married, then we picked our venue and set a date after reviewing finances and talking to my parents who wanted to help us pay for it, then we designed and paid for my ring (we split the cost and I got him an engagement gift as well) and only THEN did he propose. He may have been emotional during the proposal but he was in no doubt whatsoever about what my answer would be.

phillygirl93: That sucks about the redditors. I recently read an article in the Washington Post by the editor of A Practical Wedding, Liz Moorhead, about how the definition of bridezilla is expanding to include normal desires about your wedding – i.e., some things are obviously bridezilla moves, like demanding that each guest pay $1500 to attend your destination wedding, but a lot of brides are so concerned about putting others out that they feel bad about having any opinions at all. It’s like the whole “Cool Girl” phenomenon. I liked the article, identified with some of it, and then I got to the comments. Ugh. There was a lot of “just go to the courthouse!” and “I only had cake and punch at my church wedding in 1960! Why are young women today so shallow?!” All this to say, on the Internet there is not much understanding of nuance or willingness to believe that someone writing with a problem probably a) has good intentions, and b) has already tried the obvious actions to solve the problem herself.

Post # 25
Member
928 posts
Busy bee

mrsptobe2017 :  My point was just that a man and a woman can have great communication and both agree they want to get married and whether it’s the man or the woman proposing, they are at just as much of a risk as if the other proposed. Likewise, if they have terrible communication.

Obviously, if a woman has expressed her interest in getting married and a man says absolutely not, she is putting herself at a terrible risk. But I am not saying to use a woman proposing to a man as a last ditch effort or to beg them to get married. As I have said previously, all I was saying is that it’s an alternative to the man asking. And, I said it under the assumption that both people had communicated and agreed they wanted to get married… in which case, both parties would essentially be proposing at the same risk level… knowing that the other person DOES want to get married and would therefore likely say yes.

Post # 26
Member
2117 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I think the big elephant is that these guys who drag their feet just dont want to get married and women hang on to their every word even though their actions show differently. There’s many bees here whose guy proposed without “begged” or “pressured” and without all the shenanigans. Then there’s bees who have done the whole works and are still waiting while getting excuses. I mean besides obvious issues that the guy has already communicated,  it’s usually pretty clear that he doesn’t want to get married. Most women cannot and will not accept this because it’s something they really want. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying that it’s right, I’m just saying that the women who get stuck in these situations do have a choice to walk away but instead they keep riding it out and hoping the guy will magically just be ready for it because they don’t want to let go. I never knew this happened so much until weddingbee. The people in my real life including myself just had a natural progression in the relationship and I never considered myself “waiting” or dealing with any of this. 

Post # 27
Member
4730 posts
Honey bee

duchessgummybunns :  Agreed. The “why don’t you propose to him” is ridiculously facile advice that completely misses the point. It’s not about the ring or the proposal, it’s about the failure to commit. You can’t make someone want to commit to you by proposing to him.

The only thing these women should do is find the self-respect, strength and courage to leave.

Post # 28
Member
1277 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

girlfriendphd :  Side note – I don’t think I’ve read a more apt description of the demographic of Reddit users ever looolllllll

Post # 29
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

 Agree 100%

Post # 30
Member
1124 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Hey bee, any updates? How are you doing after the dust has settled and you got your life back?

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