(Closed) It’s not fair! Don’t judge me :(

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
1870 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I think that there’s a tendency for people operating on more modest budgets to feel defensive naturally because there’s a billion-dollar wedding industry out there focused on celebrating weddings on a large budgets and to some degree, the proliferation of those images and stories suggest that there’s a standard and if you spend less, you’re not meeting the “standard.”

Having said that, I don’t really see too much of what you’re talking about on WeddingBee. Just because one lady may talk about why she’s happy to have a budget wedding and why she chose not to spend more than x, doesn’t mean that she’s taking a shot at you or others who choose to have larger affairs–in the same way that women who talk about their more expensive weddings aren’t doing it to make other brides feel bad. 

Post # 18
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

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@katiedee: well depending on where the person is a 15k wedding can be a budget wedding. And if they can give yoou great tips what does it matter?

There are many reasons people may choose to have a high/low budget wedding. I do kind of feel like people with bigger rings and budgets are sometimes judged on this site and things can be said about those people that would cause a riot if they were said about lower budget brides. I dont think its intentional, but it happens. Generally though, I find that bees support each other 🙂

Post # 19
Member
5089 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think it’s no different than with any other kind of conspicuous consumption (fancy car, big house, etc).  It’s a loaded topic (pun intended ;), and there’s no way of getting around that.  Such criticism can come from

  • simple jealousy or spite
  • a critique of the enormous wealth gap that has developed in the US over the last 30 years
  • a set of religious or ethical values that considers it immoral to spend so much money on a day
  • being constantly told that your wedding and/or ring aren’t special enough because you can’t spend the money
  • a feeling of defensiveness that combines some or all of those things.

I actually think it’s good not to gloss over these issues with “well, some people have more money, some people have less, to each her own!” as if they’re morally and politically neutral topics, when they’re not. Not that anyone should be attacked personally, of course, and I have never criticized either lavish or budget weddings. But I support engaging with the underlying issues that make these topics so fraught.

Post # 20
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

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@mightywombat: well said 🙂

Post # 21
Member
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I admit, I am a judger.  I was appalled to hear when a friend of friend insisted her Fiance take her back to the jewelry store so she could pick out another much larger stone for her e-ring.  This guy is jobless, collecting unemployment and purchased the entire ring on credit.  I also do not believe spending 30k on a wedding when you are still living in an apartment and unable to raise funds to purchase a home is fiscally responsible.

Whether we are talking about an individual, business or gov’t, I think we’d all be much better off if folks were a little more responsible with their spending.

Now…if you have gobs of $$, plenty in savings and aren’t in debt, then go for it!!!  Since you can’t take it with you, may as well live it up now!!!!

 

Post # 22
Member
1889 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I think some of the people who make it a point to put down pricey weddings are probably just doing it because of a little jealousy, and it makes them feel better to put down people who can afford more.  In my opinion, I think you should have whatever wedding you can afford, and it’s more about having good times and being surrounded by those who support you than having some grand, elaborate wedding.  The only thing I don’t like about big/expensive wedding-related stuff is when people:

-Spend a ton of money on something, and it doesn’t turn out that great.  I’m not putting them down, I just feel bad for them.

-And when people spend a lot of $ on themselves, but go “cheap” with other aspects of the wedding.  I went to one wedding (a wealthy couple) who were really into showing off their money (how the bride had a huge rock on her finger, they went on a crazy expensive, 2-month-long honeymoon) and they didn’t even serve real food at the wedding, which they’d invited lots of people from all over the country.  Seemed kinda tacky to make such a big deal about how they were spoiling themselves and then have a sub-par wedding experience for everyone else.

Post # 23
Member
586 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

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@mzlouis2b: It’s nice if they can give great tips, but let’s just say they’re not usually helpful for a $5k bride, as good as their intentions may be. Sorry, I’m not trying to be sassy, just how I feel.

Post # 24
Member
1077 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

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@luckyprincess:  Nicely said.

I think it’s OK to express the POV that $20K on a ring could pay for a needy kids’ college (or the happy couples’ student loans) without using nasty words.  This board wouldn’t be useful if everyone was obliged to say that everyone else’s choices and tastes were already perfect and exactly like their own.  

I actually love how kind most people are most of the time when discussing POVs that not at all like their own.  Don’t sweat the ones that are mean-spirited. 

Post # 25
Member
586 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Why don’t we leave it at “All weddings are beautiful because we are sharing the best day of our lives with the ones we love the most?” Yay!

Post # 26
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I would say, (as a budget bride) that I would not spend more money if I had it to spend. I can’t personally justify me spending that much money on one day EVER. It’s just not my style.HOWEVER, if you have the money and you want your wedding to be huge, elaborate, fancy, whatever, I am so happy for you!

The important thing is that YOU like your wedding and you treat your guests well. There is some judgement from the people who have an expensive wedding and send themselves or their parents into debt they will take years to pay off. One shouldn’t have to mortgage ones house to pay for a maybe 8 hour party. But if you can afford it, I hope you have an amazing day! 

Post # 27
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

"My diamond shoes are too tight."

😉

Post # 28
Member
2271 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Oh I would have loved to have a big expensive wedding, we were just unwilling to go into debt for it. Our wedding cost 5K, was very nice and we do not owe anyone a single penny for it. A big advanatage. On the other paw, my niece had a 60K wedding the year before ours and she and her DH are STILL paying for it. Now they have a baby, a mortgage and a wedding to pay for and oh you sghould hear the complaining. I offer my sympathy, then keep my mouth shut!

Post # 29
Member
586 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

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@Theresa90405: my wallet is too small for my fifties!! LOVE IT!

Post # 30
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

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@sarahberah:

Yup, well said!

 

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@Melini:

totally agree!

 

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@katiedee:

Deal!

 

My point, I think, is that people that may not want a large/expensive wedding are usually not jealous, they just have valid reasons for not wanting them.  It makes as much sense as for someone having a small diamond because they like it that someone that thinks small diamonds are sad that they are jealous for wanting a big diamond.  For those that slap jealous over anything people disagree with you on, it’s a cop out – usually!!  Sometimes, it is jealousy or defensiveness, but I think it’s important to figure out which it is if you’re going to let it affect you. 

Also, I think it’s constructive to tell someone that cannot afford the ring/wedding/honeymoon that going into financial debt or sending your parents to the bank for a loan for such things is irresponsible because frankly, it is.  If they don’t care after that, that’s fine! 

Post # 31
Member
3977 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

My responses are usually based on simply not understanding spending so much on a few hours.

For me spending $70k on a car isn’t something I would do, but I can understand it.

Spending $1 mil on a house isn’t something I would do, but I can understand it.

Spending $50k on a wedding just isn’t something I can understand. Now I don’t write derogatory posts about people if they do spend that much, because it’s your choice of course.

But for me, if I’m going to spend a lot of money I want it to be on something that I feel is going to give me a return on my investment. And for me, a return of a few happy hours just isn’t enough, especially when I feel that I can get the same return for far less.

It’s like buying the generic brand at the grocery store. If I walk in and see 2 items with exactly the same ingrediants, but one is packaged nicer and is recognized by the public as being good quality. Am I willing to pay 60% more for the brand name? Personally, no. But my mom does it every week, lol.

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