(Closed) It’s not fair! Don’t judge me :(

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
Member
1374 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I would never tell someone they should donate any money over a certain amount to a charity.  How holier than thou would THAT be?   I’m just pointing out that saying you don’t understand something doesn’t mean you’re telling someone not to do it. I don’t get a lot of things that people enjoy.  Doesn’t mean they shouldn’t do whatever makes them happy.  I wouldn’t dream of telling someone not to do something just because I don’t understand it, so long as I don’t think it would be detrimental to them or they specifically asked for advice about whether or not they should do it.

As to my “if you don’t want to be judged don’t post” comment: there are a lot of posters on here that DO post asking for advice, then turn around and cry “don’t judge me!!” when people don’t validate their choices.  Like starting a thread asking if you should tell your Fiance you want a bigger ring, knowing he can’t afford it and stuff like that.  Then everyone who questions the priorities of said poster get “tsk tsk’d” and told not to judge her or get accused of being jealous.  I’ve seen it happen a lot and it’s annoying.  Not everyone who disagrees with you is jealous of you.   In fact, that’s a pretty egotistical assumption to make.

Post # 63
Member
1076 posts
Bumble bee

@Miss Tattoo: Unless instant noodles are your thing of course.  I  am more of a PB&J girl myself (but damn those can get expensive w/ natural PB, lw sugar jelly & whole grain bread.)

Joking aside.  I think people just have very strong opinions about the way in which they spend their money.  We just need to know how and when to state them.  Today, I read ( I believe Mrs. Starfish’s post about honeymoon vs new car.)  For me, I would def take the honeymoon and save money by purchasing a reliable used car, mainly because I think expensive car purchases are a bad investment for myself.  I didn’t post on her post because it just wouldn’t have been helpful (and very well may not have come across as mindful). 

 

Post # 64
Member
4194 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

This has been an issue in the hive as long as I’ve been a member. I was confused for a while when no one would respond to comments I made about my wedding, then when I saw the reaction to small-budget brides I realized what was going on. There have been several threads just like this one asking why it is, why can’t we just be happy for each other, everyone agrees to it, then we go back to the way it was before.

Post # 65
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee

Another week, another post about stuff like this. What’s next? The ladies with huge honking diamonds have things we ‘don’t get’? Anyhow, I do know that if it came down to it, I would really just go and scoop up all the stuff that Bakarella used at her wedding. Damn the costs, that wedding looked fun.

   I also agree with what Plantains said. I am from a place where you do a minimum of a two day wedding. We have the ‘American Wedding’ and then the ‘traditional wedding’. In my culture, you HAVE to do the cultural aspect of the wedding. It’s a blending of two DIFFERENT families. None of that only 100 guests. People save for a long time to do their wedding. If it were back ‘home’ it wouldn’t be that big a deal moneywise (well, it is but it’s not that expensive) but here, in NYC, I’m freaking out but I’ve always known and so have my siblings AND all my friends of the same culture. It’s what we are brought up with. NOW, it doesn’t mean you have to do it but if you can afford to, it’s expected of you. Anyhow, I am one of those folks who only shop clearance racks. As in, I go to Macy’s and I head to the clearance racks. I buy the store brand ‘mixed veggies’ and stuff. I always wait for a sample sale to buy my shoes and bags but ah well, I will be blowing a lot of money on this wedding and truthfully, I’d rather not but what can you do? Oh, and I live in Brooklyn where a two bedroom coop (no, not condo) can go for over 400k (in the slightly shady part of town too!!)… um, what’s my point again??

Post # 66
Member
2268 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@Bostonsmom: I partially agree with you. I do think it’s ridiculous for people to say things like “you should spend half of what you currently are and give the rest to charity” as I said in my previous post, as commenters, we rarely know people’s financial situation or goals.

When trying to understand the way people with smaller budgets respond to those with larger budgets, I do think it’s a cultural thing. Something that isn’t usually explained by jealousy or taste, but rather by the way you were raised, cultural expectations, your perspective on life, and what you value.

Just as the small budget brides responses sometimes look like jealousy, the large budget brides responses sometimes look like defensiveness. When it comes right down to it, we are pretty much all spending more on our weddings than a lot of people in the world make in a several years of work, whether that’s 2k or 200k. So at the end of the day, I don’t think any of us is in a position to be judgemental.

Post # 67
Member
30398 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@lezlers: I’m glad that at least one person here besides myself had the immediate reaction that this post might just be another troll designed to stir up drama.

Post # 69
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee

@julies1949: Actually, I do feel that way about A LOT of posts but I almost never mention it because, well, the ladies of the hive are just too nice and I don’t want anyone accusing me of  being a quintessential suspicious New Yorker. Even though I am 🙂

Post # 70
Member
1529 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@Bostonsmom:

maybe I should ditch my Fiance and marry you instead, you are so on point!

 

View original reply
@bRooklynRocks:

so glad you showed up here to do a much better job of explaining than I can.

Although I am not having a Platinuk Wedding, I also don’t understand why anyone thinks that billionaires shouldn’t have them. Given how dire things are eceonomically, why shouldn’t we want them to spend? What good does their hoarding that money do?

 

Post # 71
Member
1412 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@lezlers: I always nod my head in agreement with what you post. I wish you had a “like” button attached to your comments.

Post # 72
Member
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I don’t think people judge large rings and elaborate weddings in themselves.  I think people judge those things when an OP complains about not having money for real-life things such as a down payment on a house, getting a car fixed, medical bills, etc.  Or going into debt over a wedding.  Extravagant things are not bad, living outside of your means is.

Note: I’m not saying YOU are doing those things OP, I’m speaking in general.

Post # 73
Member
4460 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Again, I don’t think anyone has a problem with the people who actually have the money to spend. They are keeping people in business. photographers, DJ’s, florist, bakers, limo drivers, venues, servers, ect. BUT those who are spending that amount are not on these boards asking for advice on how to save up for their wedding. I think the only people who get “judged” are the ones asking how to get a loan so they can have a lavish wedding or the ones who are penny pinching to the point where they just come home from work and eat crackers for dinner or the ones expecting everyone else to pay for the wedding.

eta: Extravagant things are not bad, living outside of your means is.

This perfectly sums up the whole thread.

Post # 74
Member
1412 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@Miss Tattoo: Yeah HUGE like on that!

Post # 75
Member
5879 posts
Bee Keeper

@Bostonsmom: Bravo! I love weddings, bring it on whether you on spent $50 for for the license and went to at JOP, $500 buck ones, $10K, $35K or unlimited. At the end of the day what you eat doesn’t make me …you know how saying goes.

I’m on a tight budget and I would give anything NOT to be. Is part of it the pressure of WIC/DIY , sure, but the larger part is I have my own standards of what I would love to do if I had bigger budget.  As I stated in another thread on a similar topic (where that same idea of using your wedding as some kind of polical/social statement *rolls eyes*) can’t we all just get along?  Shoot I’m critical of my own self as is.

Do I read posts and think, “Oh wow, that was a waste of $” absolutely (but thats not only limited to simply big budget brides, cause there are plenty of wasteful spending or things that are simply not my taste done by DIY and lower budget brides to.  And there are times when I know damn well if I could do the samething thing, hell yeah I give props that someone else was able to pull it off.

The topic ‘It’s not fair! Don’t judge me :(’ is closed to new replies.

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