(Closed) It's Not Fun Anymore, Reality Set In.

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
5957 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

You worry about yourself and your feelings right now.  That was a shitty thing to say and he knows it, at least he had better know.  Part of me applauds your SO for wanting to be responsible and more established before you two take the plunge, but the other part of me knows that as logical as we humans are, when it comes to love, all bets are off.  

The one thing I noticed in your post, the thing that struck me, is that he seems to be the one calling all of the shots on this, and here you sit, waiting.  I know it’s his job to ask, but Christ, you’ve got some say too!  Three years is a long time to wait, and how in the Hell does he know things will be better then?  How do any of us know anything about the future?

All we really have, all that’s guaranteed, is today, right now, the rest could be gone in an instant….I find the happiest I’ve ever been, was living somewhere between a sensible caution, and stark raving madness.

If you two love each other, and belong together, you’ll find a way to meet in the middle.  In the meantime, a cupcake and good cry wouldn’t hurt.

Post # 4
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee

@Livelifeveryday:  Can you afford to live with him? Do you both meet your expenses if you live together? If so, I’d consider getting a less expensive ring that is affordable, and maybe in the future you can think about upgrading when it is possible. You can get married for the cost of a license at a courthouse and put together something nice with very little money realistically. I saw another bride on here do her wedding for $2k.

Post # 7
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

You’re so young and you’re still in school. At 22 it should be about you, finishing school finding a career then finding those next steps. 

Post # 8
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’m kind of confused of what is unaffordable when it comes to the idea of marriage to him? You would be combining finances and pooling resources.  Is he talking about the wedding ceremony itself?

If that’s the case, I think it’s completely feasible to have a courthouse ceremony, then have a vow renewal in a year. As for the ring, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to get a cheaper ring now and then upgrade on an anniversary.

I would get engaged now if you can, but I agree with PP that the wedding itself should wait until you are graduated and have a more stable job. I think if at least one of you have a full-time job that is bringing in more than minimum wage, it would greatly ease his concerns and benefit your relationship. A huge stressor in marriages tends to be money issues, and I think it would behoove you to prepare yourselves as best as possible.

Do I think it should take 3 years? No. But I think those immediate requirements should be taken care of first.

Post # 9
Member
5957 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@Livelifeveryday:  I’m sorry punkin, it’s got to be so hard to want this and have him saying not right now.  Between you and me, this whole We Can’t Afford It crap is just that, CRAP!  But of course, we can’t just call em like we see em ALL the time can we.  You let the dust settle on this discussion, give the both of you a minute to sort out what you meant to say, and what you said to be mean and revisit this whole $$ issue.  That appears to be his only reservation, and being engaged is a next step, but there isn’t a time limit on being engaged either….why not look at the vast array of affordable, beautiful, rings available from jewelers across the globe, see what there is to see, I don’t think there is such a thing as a shitty engagement ring, as long as it comes from the heart….and just as a couple evolves and changes, so can your ring, as your life together allows…..if you present him with this thread of reasoning, he’s going to find that his old I Can’t Afford It dog won’t hunt.

Post # 10
Member
46 posts
Newbee

Your SO sounds really great, that he talked to you about it well in advance. 

When its time to discuss this again, take the reigns and say “Plan A for being together (get married soon, in fairy tale way) won’t work. Plan A1 where we do it in 3 years won’t work either. What’s Plan B?!” And then have a heart to heart about what you each need, and what you’re willing to compromise on. It sounds like he prioritizes appearances over being your husband. ๐Ÿ™

Life is full of obstacles that need creative solutions. Shitty ring now (and upgraded at a future time) = perfect ring to give to your sons to use to propose to their wives. After she says yes, son & his fiancé pick her ring out together and give your shitty ring back when your FDIL’s ring comes back. When your daughters’ suitors come to talk to you, offer to let him borrow the shitty ring. Suddenly … Shitty ring becomes super sweet family heirloom! Gah! Why our guys gotta be so wrapped up in being like everyone else?! -haha

I’m sorry PlanA won’t work but I am glad he came and told you instead of letting the deadline pass while you sit and wonder and wonder! I feel good about y’all… chin up and thinking caps on, chica! Keep us posted! ๐Ÿ˜‰

 

 

Post # 11
Member
1404 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@Nona99:  +1. Excellent advice as always.

Post # 12
Member
597 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@Livelifeveryday:  At least he’s honest. But I’m of the mindset he’ll marry you when he’s really ready, because I just had a former classmate marry her man in a courthouse with a $9 dollar ring from walmart because they really wanted to be married. 

It will happen, he sounds commited to making it happen, just not right now. ๐Ÿ™ 

Post # 14
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee

@Livelifeveryday:  Just wanted to add my two cents to this. The ring might not matter so much to you, but in some way it is ALSO his thing, as my SO has told me 10 million times. He’s said that it’s not just for me, but also for him. In speaking with some of my other guy friends, it’s the same thing – when they get engaged they’re all like “did you see the ring I got?” and so proud, because it matters to them. So, while a $9 ring from Walmart might be fine for some guys, it’s important to remember that not everyone is the same, and that some things are important to some people. Obviously, reality is also important – no point trying to save up for a ring that costs a year’s salary, so you should try and find some compromise between the two – his ideals and your timeline. Just wanted to say it doesn’t need to be one (cheap ring and happening now) or the other (insanely expensive ring 10 years from now). =)

Post # 15
Member
217 posts
Helper bee

@MariaW:  this is a good point. Some guys do have strong feelings about the ring.

Post # 16
Member
901 posts
Busy bee

@MariaW:  This is the exact conversation my SO and I have had. He tells me it’s not ME who will be getting all the questions if we hadn’t chosen a ring or if we’d chosen something that looks very inexpensive. It would be 20 questions from everyone on the planet to HIM. That the ring is very much about him and the effort he’s put into asking me to marry him. Same thing with the proposal. It’s about the initiative that HE is taking to do this.

All I have to say is thank goodness for diamond simulants. Beautiful, inexpensive without looking “cheap” and keeps negative questions to a minimum. If I’d wanted something a lot more expensive, that would have been fine with him but I’d be waiting a lot longer. 

It sounds like you should probably focus on finishing your studies and doing some internships to prepare for a job after college. Work on yourself and keep this on the back burner. A man who is 27 and says “not for 10 years” likely isn’t really interested in getting married.

The topic ‘It's Not Fun Anymore, Reality Set In.’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors