- 7 years ago
I’m new here, and I would like to share some feelings with you. It’s going to be long, really, really long, so you can still turn back now .
Lately, I’ve been feeling down, and I know I can rant about it here, because yall won’t bash me for being an impatient brat . Actually, I have a great life: I have a good job, a great house, and a great boyfriend of 10 years (hello problem ) who is perfect for me, and also has a good and stable job. We have been living together for 7 years.
We met when I was 20 and he was 25. When we were together for 3 months, we were already talking about marriage, when I would be out of school. When we were together for 1 year, we bought each other promise rings, and we were dreaming of our first dance together at our wedding party, what music we would choose, where we would have the wedding, how many guests we should invite, who would be best man and maid of honor, … Sometimes he would go online and email me pictures of beautiful wedding locations!
Years went by, and in the meantime, the first of our friends started getting engaged and married. They would often ask us: “Hey, you’ve been together longer than we have! Why aren’t you getting married?” But I just answered: “I will be out of school when I’m 26, then we’ll get married!” So, I graduated… Since that time, I have been “hoping” for a proposal at every special occasion: Valentine’s Day, my birthday, his birthday, our anniversary, Christmas, … Not that on those days I couldn’t think of anything but the proposal. It was more like, when Valentine’s Day was over, I would be like: “Oh right, he didn’t ask! Well, maybe my birthday then.” And then that came and went, and I would be like: “OK, so maybe our anniversary.” And so on. And every now and then, there would be a remark: “When I ask you, I promise you, you won’t see it coming!” And I believed that, and kept on waiting. And waiting.
This has been going on for 4 years now, because now I’m 30 and he’s 35. Meanwhile, everyone we know has gotten married. Literally, there are no unmarried couples left. Except for us. But I never, ever, not once, nagged him to get married. Kudos to me right?
The funny remarks about when we would be getting married are not funny anymore. We haven’t had a reason not to get married for 4 years. My boyfriend also gets annoyed with the remarks, but he thinks people should just mind their own business instead of him thinking about the content of the remarks.
Last year, after the umpteenth engagement announcement, I told him: “You know what? I don’t care anymore, we’re not getting married. Who would want to? All that planning, all that money, all that stress! No way, not for me!” At first, he was all shocked, like: “What do you mean?” I answered: “Well, if we really wanted to get married, we would have by now, because there really hasn’t been anything keeping us from doing it for 4 years!” The reason I flipped out was a two-parter. The first reason was to kind of let him know that I wasn’t expecting it anymore, and that it would be a surprise if he were to propose (too advanced in the subtlety department, I later realized ). The other reason was to protect myself against the married people who feel so disgustingly sorry for me for being unmarried. But it blew up in my face. He started agreeing with me: “You’re right honey! We’re happy right? Why would we get married? For a ring and a piece of paper? Really, what would that change?”
I was crushed, but of course I was too stubborn to admit that to him. So when we went on holiday last summer, I decided to go against my own principles, and talk to him about it. I mentioned that I wanted to go to an attorney to take care of some financial safety issues, since marriage was apparently not in the pipeline anymore, and I felt it was important to have those things settled. And then I said: “You know what I regret? I regret never marrying you when we both seemed to want to. Now I’m the only one left wanting to, and you seemed to have changed your mind. Why is that? Do you mind telling me?” He was completely shocked that I thought he didn’t want to anymore. I was like: “Well sure you don’t! Your dissing the institute of marriage and the uselessness of it all every chance you get, while we were still planning our wedding a few years ago!” I basically told him the story above, and how I didn’t understand how he could go from seeming to want it really bad in the beginning, causing me to wait for a proposal for 10 years, to not having any intention of ever asking me at all! He apologized and he told me how stupid he was for not seeing how serious I was about all of those plans in the beginning. That took me aback. I asked him: “You actually thought I wasn’t serious? We planned our entire wedding in so much detail that we basically only needed to pick a date! How much more concrete did you want me to be?” He admitted that he was just enjoying the “daydreams” that we talked about in the beginning, and afterwards, when those conversations were over, he snapped back to reality, where those “daydreams” weren’t a priority. I told him that he made me believe that he was going to propose to me. Not doing so, and actually telling me now that he never really had any solid plans of doing so hurt really bad. He felt terrible and he said he felt that he dropped the ball on this one for not seeing how important this was to me. He said that he wanted to make it up to me any way he could, and he was so glad that we had this conversation. Now I was alarmed, because I do not want him to propose to me because I want him to. I always wanted it to be spontaneous and because we both want to, and since I knew now that he was not planning a proposal in secret, a proposal would only be triggered by this conversation. I told him this. I told him that that would be like doing me a favor, and there is no way I would ever get married because of a favor! The conversation ended by him thanking me that I finally told him my feelings. Whatever the hell that means.
This was now 7 months ago. Nothing. We’ve actually made the appointment with the attorney to legally settle everything without marriage. My last hope of him throwing me off to let me THINK we were going to the attorney is gone. I’m going to have to get used to the fact that it’s not happening. I’m just sad. I can’t shake the disappointment of the realization that he’s a typical “clueless male” instead of this perfect guy who was in tune with my every emotion, as I sometimes naïvely thought.
I have so many ridiculous feelings why I don’t even want to get married anymore. One of those reasons is, all of our friends have been married now for 5 years generally, and I feel like everyone is past the whole “marriage thing”, and they won’t really feel as happy for us as they would have if we would have gotten married years ago. I feel like, when we would break the news of our engagement, everyone will be like: “Really? Oh wow, good for you!” and then continue yelling at their kids. I feel like their life is about children and family and values and education and other deep stuff, but ours is still a dimension lower. Going dress shopping with my maids of honor will have to fit in with their daycare schedules, but when I was their maid of honor, it was priority for all of us.
On the other hand, there are just as many ridiculous reasons why I feel disappointed that we won’t ever get married. We will never be able to throw a big party in our honor. Since we won’t have kids, births and baptisms are also out. We’ll always be the guests at other people’s parties. To be honest, I would like to be on the receiving end of some congratulations for a change. We will also never have a 50th wedding anniversary party, which I think is so incredibly beautiful. I don’t want it to sound like I’m only interested in parties and attention, that’s not what I mean. I don’t really know how to make it clear. It’s like, for most people, having kids is the nicest sign of “choosing to be together for life”, so I can imagine people with kids saying that marriage is second fiddle to children, and not understanding why I want marriage so much. But since we will not have kids, I still would have liked to show my boyfriend that “I choose to be with him for life” by means of a ceremony. I just feel that people don’t think we’re a “real couple”, because we’re not married and don’t have kids. He doesn’t realize how much less regard people have for a “girlfriend” instead of a “wife”. I know how ridiculous it all is, and that I spend too much energy on what everyone else thinks. I just can’t help it, I’m sorry.
And if our friends would just stop feeling so sorry for me, maybe that would also help . I try my best to show everyone that I don’t care and that I couldn’t be happier, but still, they tilt their heads, rub my shoulder, and go: “Awww…” And when I tell my boyfriend this, he says: “I wish they would just worry about keeping their marriages together instead of worrying about us! We’re doing fine, we’ve been together a lot longer than they have!” And there it is: exactly the thing that makes me feel worse.
Honestly, I just wanted to get the feelings off my chest more than anything. I’m sorry if I annoyed anyone, I truly am not a drama queen or a whiny twat, and I do value what I have, because many people would envy that. But sometimes I turn into a woman , who wants the romantic memories that her friends have: my boyfriend and me choosing each other for life before God. And for those of you whose boyfriends already bought the ring, I envy you. At least you know it’s coming. I would do anything to just be able to say that. Thanks for letting me vent.
“Always the Bridesmaid, never the Bride”