(Closed) It’s not happening…

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
7904 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

My aunt is in a permanent relatioship with a man; they are in their late-30s, have a 6-year-old daughter, and have lived together for as long as I can remember.  They own a home (actually, I think it’s in her name) and have excellent jobs.  They can easily afford to get married and they are definitely in this for the long haul, but he just does not believe in marriage.  She really wants to be married.  She loves him, so she just kind of let’s is slide, but there is a deep unhappiness in her too.  You can tell that she can’t help but take it personally that he won’t marry her, not even just legally (without the party and all).  Sometimes I wonder if her happiness at being with him outweighs her unhappiness and the blow to her self-esteem that comes from his refusal to marry her.  

On the other hand, I know couples who decided together not to get married, but to be partners forever and they are as happy as can be, but it was their decision together–what they both wanted.

You really need to think about whether this issue will plague you for the rest of your life.  That commitment matters to some people more than others.  You need to have some serious introspective moments to ask yourself if the love without the commitment is enough or if you really want and need that formal declaration that he means it forever.

Best of luck to you!

Post # 4
Member
823 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Wow, honestly this was a really sad post for me to read. I guess you probably already know this, but it looks like there has been a huge breakdown in communication between you and your boyfriend that has spanned the entirety of your relationship. It seems like you keep waiting for him to call your bluff, but I think a lot of men don’t pick up “subtle” signals or can tell when we are being really honest. Men need the obvious, the concrete. And the worst part is you will never know if he was just being an obtuse man about it or if he DID know to call your bluff, but still didn’t because it meant an easy “out” for him not to commit to marriage or a proposal. “Well, she SAID she didn’t want to get married…”

From your post I think it is really obvious that you still DO want to get married. You seem sad, resigned, and a little resentful. You can’t carry these emotions forward into your relationship. You live life once, and you deserve happiness. You need to sit down with your boyfriend and have a very real, no games talk with him. Lay it all on the table and see what he says. Ask him what he REALLY wants, not what he thinks you want to hear. It might be that all those years of you giving marriage the side-eye (even if it was in bitterness of your friends who were married or just to get his attention), might have turned him off to the idea. But if he saw how passionate you feel about it now, maybe it would change his mind.

I know you love your boyfriend, but really you need to communicate what you want. I think you should push for the wedding. Who cares if all your friends are already married. Who cares if they need babysitters to go dress shopping. The point is that it is YOUR turn to be the bride and yes, to be the center of attention. Don’t give up so easily on your dreams because you think other people will find it silly or unnecessary. I think any true friend would be incredibly happy and supportive.

Now you just need to work on your boyfriend. And in the end, if he doesn’t come around, I think you need to ask yourself if you can go on in your relationship knowing that he didn’t want to marry you or knowing that you were making a huge compromise that left you feeling hurt. That kind of pain doesn’t go away. You don’t want to be 50 years old lamenting the wedding you never had. At that point, yes, I think it might be a little too late to throw the big wedding party you always dreamed of.

So be true to yourself and your feelings. Don’t devalue them. You deserve the best. 

 

Post # 5
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

there is a HUGE social respect difference between girlfriend and fiance and wife. I live with my SO and I get flack all the time- I went to buy a car and the salesman said a Honda would last longer than my relationship (didn’t buy from HIM) and the receptionist at a dr appt asked me if I really wanted him as my emergency contact and wanted to double check that I thought he wold be reliable enough… I guess that’s my own rant but men don’t get less respect for being a boyfriend. Clearly a girlfriend loves a boyfriend unconditionally, but it doesn’t go the other way around.

Are you really ok with not getting married? It seems like a pretty big thing to have to compromise on? Will you be ok with still not being married in another 15 years?

Post # 6
Member
645 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m so sorry that you are feeling this way. While I can understand your resonable explanations for why you “shouldn’t” have a wedding (i.e. you don’t want to feel like it’s a favor, your friends won’t care,) it seems quite obvious that this is really important for you. Of course it will not be like what your friends were when they got married, things change. But that does not mean that you just shouldn’t do it anyway. And it sounds like your manfriend loves you very dearly. While I often feel like my boyfriend doesn’t really care about the wedding part either, it is so important to me that we make a public declaration of intent that he is willing to participate. That’s what you do in love. You may not always agree with it (or care?) but I’m positive he would be willing to do that if he knew how much it was bothering you. If I were in your shoes, I’d find out what I needed emotionally. 

Also, quit worrying about whether people would care, you could have a rocking party. Or not. It’s kind of up to you 😀

Post # 7
Member
645 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m so sorry that you are feeling this way. While I can understand your resonable explanations for why you “shouldn’t” have a wedding (i.e. you don’t want to feel like it’s a favor, your friends won’t care,) it seems quite obvious that this is really important for you. Of course it will not be like what your friends were when they got married, things change. But that does not mean that you just shouldn’t do it anyway. And it sounds like your manfriend loves you very dearly. While I often feel like my boyfriend doesn’t really care about the wedding part either, it is so important to me that we make a public declaration of intent that he is willing to participate. That’s what you do in love. You may not always agree with it (or care?) but I’m positive he would be willing to do that if he knew how much it was bothering you. If I were in your shoes, I’d find out what I needed emotionally. 

Also, quit worrying about whether people would care, you could have a rocking party. Or not. It’s kind of up to you 😀

Post # 8
Member
645 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I really hope that didn’t come across poorly. I’m on your side regardless of what you want. 

Post # 9
Member
645 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I really hope that didn’t come across poorly. I’m on your side regardless of what you want. 

Post # 12
Member
2411 posts
Buzzing bee

@Haley_1981:  

I’d like to start by saying that I mean this in the most caring and supportive way.  You’re only 30 years old. You have your whole life ahead of you. Why are you settling for this? Why are you letting him decide whether or not you will ever be married?

It’s true that if you stay with him — as things stand now and if you don’t rock the boat — I guess you won’t ever be married.

I am 20 years older than you and the dating pool is much smaller in my age group. But I would absolutely not settle for no marriage after a certain point. I don’t mean to sound insensitive to your plight — I can see this is a very painful and sore subject for you. But my goodness. You owe it to yourself to at least try to make your dreams come true. It’s a shame he doesn’t want to get married, but there are LOTS of guys out there in your age group who do want to get married.

I think your b/f would marry you in a heartbeat if he knew this was a deal breaker for you.

Also, about this —

But I never, ever, not once, nagged him to get married. Kudos to me right?

I don’t know if you’re joking when you say that. But I don’t understand what is good or healthy about not speaking up about what you need.

I hope you know that I’m not trying to criticize you or make you feel worse than you already do. I have been in your shoes — not exactly the situation you describe, but similar in some ways. You are awfully young to be so resigned and fatalistic about never being married.

Post # 13
Member
823 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I know that you want a spontaneous proposal that is romantic and comes straight from your boyfriend’s heart with no interference from you–but honestly I don’t think that’s realistic. Most modern relationships are planned this way. You have a talk about wanting to be together forever, you have a timeline talk, you might even go out and look at rings together. I think you’ll find that very few proposals occur with zero input from the woman. Again, this might a time when you sit down with your boyfriend and discuss your expectation. See where his head is at before jumping to conclusions. Maybe he really DOES want to propose but was put off by all of your comments in the past. You never know until you ask. Don’t think of it as he is just doing it to make you happy. Talk about the difference between marriage and a relationship, because if he has spent 10 years with you, it really does make sense to be married and he might realize that or come around to the idea with some discussions, if he isn’t already there now!

 

Post # 14
Member
1523 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have had numerous rides on that rollercoaster of emotions. I was in a 7 year relationship the same as you describe. I wanted to get married, he pretended like he didn’t know that, would insult me and the idea of marriage in front of our friends, until finally one day I realized I didn’t love him anymore, because I couldn’t get past that hurt, and the fact that we obviously weren’t on the same page. I broke up with him and he comes with a ring and a proposal, groveling at my feet. Too little too late. I’m sorry honey, I feel for you. I’m not telling you to break up, just wanted to share my story to let you know you are not alone. That is an empty, sad feeling. I think you need to ask yourself, where do you go from here? Can you live with the hurt? Are you resenting your SO now? Where do you see yourself 10 years from now?

Post # 16
Member
2411 posts
Buzzing bee

Whoops, sorry OP, I think we were posting at the same time and I didn’t read your second post when I wrote my response. Big hugs to you and you go, girl. DO have that talk with him, DO stick to your guns, DO keep the faith that you deserve the best in life and do NOT settle for anything less. Big, big, big hugs to you.

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